Let This be my Story
by kitaleigh
Summary: "There are two things in her life that she'll fight to the death for: her kids and the secret she's been keeping since she was thirteen years old." THIS IS A REWRITE. I'VE DELETED THE OLD ONE. SAME STORYLINE, BETTER WRITING.
1. My Favorite Things

**Author's note: I've decided to re-do this story because it was my first on fanfiction and I thought it deserved to be written a little better. It'll have the same storyline, but will include a few changes.**

**Disclaimer: Do not own _Glee_ or rights to the _Sound of Music_**

**Warning: mature audience only**

**You can find their clothes on Polyvore. See profile for details.**

* * *

6:00 A.M.

The time she's been waking up everyday for the past 17 yrs. She reaches over, hits the snooze on her alarm clock, and rolls over. She knows she should get up and brace herself for the day ahead, but she can't help but close her eyes and force herself to capture the last ten minutes before the alarm rings again.

6:04 A.M.

The blankets are yanked violently off her body, while a punch is thrown out of nowhere, hitting her directly in the stomach. It's not even close to seven when he usually wakes up and he's already at it.

She sits up and wraps her arms around her middle, cradling it and gasping in pain. She knew she should have gotten up the first time. One of these days she'll learn, one day she'll get it right.

"Wake the fuck up!" he screams at her, his voice is loud and threatening. It rings through the air as he paces around the bedroom in his boxers. His hair is a mess and the exhaustion is clear in his crystal blue eyes, but he doesn't give up. He never does. Instead he stalks towards her once again and she curls into herself, protecting her body from what is sure to come.

"Take care of that goddamn noise right NOW!" he hisses while delivering several punches to her face, hitting her nose for the second time this week.

She scrambles to her feet and keeps her head down as she sprints from the room. She doesn't say a single word or even glance his way. She wants to cry, to let everything out. She knows she can't, her life depends on keeping him happy.

She continues running down the hall of their gorgeous Manhattan apartment. One hand is wrapped around her throbbing abdomen while the other is cradling her bleeding nose, catching the blood before it lands on the pristine white carpet beneath her feet.

Everything about the apartment screams perfection. Everything is neat and untouched, nothing out of place. The apartment itself is a mask, covering the dirty lies and people living in it, much like the smile she wears on her make up covered face everyday. It is absolutely everything she ever wanted growing up. It's beauty and elegance reflects the irony of her own filthy lifestyle, just another reminder of everything she doesn't have.

She turns left at the end of the hallway and as soon as she pushes open the heavy wooden door, she's greeted with two pairs of the most gorgeous green eyes she's ever seen.

"Momma!" they scream in unison, standing up to reach their chubby little hands out to her.

"Good morning baby," she says as she scoops up a little boy, drying his eyes in the process. He immediately stops crying and gives her one of his adorable baby grins that show off his brand new baby teeth. He grabs onto her hair and yanks excitedly as she plants a big sloppy kiss on his chubby little cheek. She loves how happy he is in the morning, how his eyes light up when he sees her. His green eyes capture her brown ones and she has to suppress her tears. It's like she can see everything in a new way when she looks into those eyes. The innocence that was taken from her is present in his eyes and she resents that he is able to see the world as a happy place. She envies his carefree and acquitted life, but most of all she hates that one day he'll realize that life isn't easy and that the world is a dirty place filled with people who will bring you down in the cruelest ways possible. She hopes he doesn't learn this the hard way like she did. She prays every night that he stays safe and lives innocently. She prays she can save him from everything that's ever happened to her.

She smiles as he babbles at her and sets him down on the floor to run around and watches as he heads straight for his play table. She's grateful that he's so easy going, even as an infant he was entertained easily. He never fusses and is always happy and when he's not grinning that adorable grin that makes her heart melt, he's babbling. He is truly the light of her life, he's her son, the bouncing baby boy that she couldn't imagine life without.

She's shaken from her thoughts by an ear-piercing cry. "Momma!"

She runs over to the second crib and picks up the little girl up as quickly as she can. She can't afford to wake him up a second time, two beatings in less than an hour is too much for even her to handle. She winces as she settles the little girl against her side, her flesh is tender from the punches, but nothing will stop her from holding her little girl close.

"Hush baby girl, it's okay," She coos in her ear while stroking her soft curls. "Momma's here, there's no need to cry," She says calmly as she walks over to the rocking chair.

She lays her tiny head on her mother's shoulder as she continues to cry. Rachel sighs as she pats her back, waiting for her tears to subside. Her daughter is the exact opposite of her brother in every way possible. While he has a constant need to be the center of attention, she's very quiet and reserved. She always wants to be held and refuses everyone else besides Rachel and because of these sensitivity issues, she doesn't do well around strangers. She gets her stubbornness from her mother, however. When she doesn't like something, there's no reasoning with her. There's no doubt in Rachel's mind that her resilient little girl is her mother's daughter.

She wakes up every morning with tears in her eyes and fights with Rachel as she struggles to get the little girl ready for the day. She turns the little girl around in her lap so that she's facing her one on one. Her wide green eyes are filled to the brim with tears as she cries, expressing her anger at being woken up yet again by her brother. Her hair is a mess of curls and her bottom lip sticks out so far she resembles a cartoon character. She tries to hold back her laughter, but when the little girl's chin begins trembling she looses it. She knows she shouldn't laugh at her daughter's obvious distress, but she can't help it. The little girl is too cute for her own good.

She stops crying and stares at Rachel in disbelief as her mother laughs at her. She sucks in a deep breath and screams loudly, letting her know how unhappy she is. Rachel panics and rocks the little girl faster, her laughter still caught in her throat. Her cries don't stop and luckily for Rachel, she knows exactly what to do to calm her daughter.

"_Raindrops on roses and whisker on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens," she_ begins to sing quietly. Her son turns to her at the sound of her voice and stumbles over happily, a huge grin on his face.

"_Brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things," _Rachel smiles as her daughter hums along, her tears slowing and eventually stopping.

"_When the dog bites__, w__hen the bee stings.__When I'm feeling sad,__I simply remember my favorite things.__And then I don't feel so bad," _She belts the last note and holds it as long as she possibly can. Her lungs feel like they're going to burst, but she has an audience and she'd rather die a thousand deaths than give a performance without giving it her all.

The little girl claps her hands excitedly from Rachel's lap while her brother babbles from his place on the floor. She never would have imagined that this was how her life would be. If you told the seven year old, Rachel Berry, when she bought her first Barbra Streisand album that she'd give up her Broadway dreams to raise her children, she would have laughed in your face and proceed to give you a list of reasons why that simply wasn't feasible because nothing would deter her from her dreams. She looks down at her two smiling, green-eyed children. As much as she wants to be on the stage, to hear people screaming her name as she does what she was born to do, she knows she made the right choice.

Her life now revolves around two things: her children and the secret she's been keeping since she was thirteen years old. The most important thing is keeping them safe with a roof over their heads and food in their mouths.

She stands from the rocking chair and places her daughter on her hip as she walks out of the room, scooping up her son on the way. She expertly places him on the other hip, suppressing a groan when he accidently kicks her in the same spot she was punched in not so long ago.

She places both children down in their playpen and heads into her dressing room, one of the many rooms the spacious apartment held. She picks out a red and black plaid skirt and a deep red V-neck sweater to match. She lays them down carefully on her dresser before walking to the mirror. She stands in front of it, shedding her clothes until she's fully naked. Looking at her now you'd never know she carried two children. Her tiny stature and slim figure disguise the fact that she is a mother and because she's young her body bounced right back. Only few faded stretch marks on her lower belly remain, a reminder and the only proof of her pregnancy.

Her face doesn't look that bad or so she thinks. She inspects the damage done to her body as she sets out the make up she's going to need to cover the split lip, bruised cheek, and bloody nose. She takes a deep breath and shudders as she places the scar cream next to the make up. She doesn't even know why she bothers with it anymore, it wasn't like it actually worked. Her permanently marked body proves that. She sets it down anyway. She needs it, she always has. Maybe not for the same reasons as in the past, but she needs it nonetheless. Two weeks ago he'd come home angry. His show didn't sell out like it was supposed to and two of the cast members had missed several of their cues. Needless to say he was angry when he came home early and Rachel hadn't had time to clean the broken glass from the kitchen floor. She barely had time to react before she was flying face first into the marble topped island in the middle of the room. Her forehead split open, leaving a nasty gash that was sure to scar.

She can't help but to think of every time she's used the scar cream and of how many times she's going to in the future. She hates that she associates the cream with pride, but every time she's needed to use it she's kept him away from her children. She knows he'll never lay a hand on them and he's never hurt her while they are close by, but she won't chance it. She will never give him the opportunity to hurt her children and if she has to be his personal punching bag to keep him away then so be it.

She knows that no matter what he does to her, the two little angels in the other room love her. It doesn't matter how disgusting she looks covered in scars and bruises because for once in her life she doesn't need to hurt herself to feel something.

She runs her fingers up and down her arm, feeling the scars she made four years ago when she dragged the razor blade across her skin. She needed to be in control then, she needed to feel something to remind her that she was human. Now she has her children for that, they're all she'll ever need.

She takes one last look at her repulsive battered body before grabbing a towel and heading to the bathroom where she fills the tub with sweet smelling bubbles. She chuckles as she hears her son's babbling from the other room. Knowing him, he's probably crawling around his sister talking her head off while she plays quietly with her toys. She can practically see the little girl's eyes, begging her to take her away from her brother.

She walks back over to the playpen and swoops them both into her arms and removes their pajamas, stepping into the bathtub. Bath time is always her favorite time of day, it's when she can finally relax and have fun with her kids. She watches her son splash around with his sailboat while she rinses the conditioner out of her daughter's hair and for a one and a half year old, she has a lot of it. It falls down in thick brown curls, framing her little face and falling just past her chin. She peeks over at her son's thick mop of brown hair. She's tried everything to tame it, but nothing was ever successful. She even tried letting it grow, but his thick curls were too unruly and nearly impossibly to keep out of his face. Currently it was cut short and sticking up in every which way, covered in the bubbles he was spreading around with his boat.

He starts his usual babbling and Rachel uses the time to take her daughter out of the tub and wrap them both in a pink fluffy towel. She carries her over to the bed and sets her down in the middle so she doesn't roll off. She glides her hand over the little girl's wet hair and turns to make her way back in the bathroom when she's stopped by a tiny voice.

"Momma?" her little girl calls out to her.

"Yes, baby?" she answers as she looks back at her baby girl.

She watches as she crawls to the end of the bed, grabbing onto the towel wrapped around Rachel. She uses the towel to pull herself to her feet, looking Rachel dead in her eyes. Brown eyes stare into piercing green ones so intensely that Rachel doesn't even notice when her little girl places her chubby little hand over her bruised cheek.

"Sorry, momma," she whispers quietly.

Tears spring to Rachel's eyes as the little girl rubs her mother's cheek gently. She always knew the time would come when they were old enough to realize that something was wrong with their mother. She always worried her son would notice first and that it would scare him, but staring into her baby girl's eyes so filled with worry she couldn't have been more wrong.

"Momma's okay, sweetheart," Rachel whispered, placing her own hand on her daughter's cheek.

The younger brunette shakes her head, she knows something isn't right. Everyday her mother looks in the mirror and everyday another colored mark appears. She doesn't know exactly what's happening, but she knows it's not good. She thinks that the marks hurt because Rachel makes funny faces when she touches them. She doesn't know where they come from or why they're there, but she doesn't like them. She doesn't like that because of them she doesn't look exactly like her mother. Everything else about them is the same except their eye color and she wonders if maybe one day she'll get those marks too.

She wants to say so much more to her mother, but she doesn't know how. She can voice it clearly in her head, but when she speaks it comes out jumbled like her brother's. She wants to learn to speak so she can sing like her momma and everyday she practices with Rachel, but she doesn't seem to be getting any better at it.

It's just like walking. She knows how and she wants to be able to run around like her brother, but she can't. She needs to be close to her momma, she doesn't like it when Rachel leaves because every time she comes back there's another mark. That's why she's so clingy all of the time. She's afraid that if Rachel isn't holding her then she's going to leave and get more marks. She thinks she's protecting her mother when she's in her arms, it's the only way she knows how to keep the ugly marks away, but lately she can't seem keep up because they're happening more and more and it scares her.

She smiles up at her mother and hugs her close. She loves everything about her momma, in her little world, Rachel is absolutely perfect. A superhero even, and when she grows up she wants to be just like her mother.

Rachel pulls away and sets the little girl back in the middle of the bed and goes back to the bathtub to retrieve her brother who beams up at her from his cocoon of bubbles.

"Okay, little man, up we go!" she giggles as she pulls the giggling boy into the pink towel.

He immediately stops his laughing and scowls. He doesn't know much about colors, they're learning about them from a book Rachel teaches them out of, but he knows that this color is for girls. He sees his sister wear this color almost everyday and there's no way Rachel's wrapping him in this towel.

Rachel blanches, she can't believe her son is refusing to be wrapped in a towel because it's _pink._ "You can't be serious?" she asks the little boy who raises his eyebrow and smirks, a smirk she's seen so many times before.

Sometimes she really can't believe the things her children do. She knows that every parent claims to have special children, but she knows hers are different. They're extremely perceptive for their ages and they're not afraid to show it. She can honestly say she learns something new everyday from her kids and it only makes her love them even more.

She carries him over to the bed where she dresses them quickly, putting her son in a little striped shirt and shorts and her little girl in a precious pink dress with a big white bow. She puts on his white shoes and sets him on the ground and not two seconds after his little feet hit the ground, he's on the move. His sister watches as he roams around the room pretending to fly his toy airplane in the air and Rachel swears she sees the little girl roll her eyes.

Rachel grabs a brush and a comb as she begins her challenge for the day, brushing her little girl's hair. She loves her daughter, she really does, but fighting with her over her hair wore her out. She places the little girl in her lap and works the brush through her hair, removing the knots as gently as she can. Her daughter cries in her lap and squirms around making the already difficult job almost impossible.

Rachel sighs in relief as she manages to pull her hair into two French braids held back by big pink bows. She turns the little girl around and kisses her little pink cheeks. The little girl sniffles and pouts as she's set on the floor to play with her brother.

Rachel readies herself and applies her daily dose of make up before scooping up her kids and heading downstairs. She places them in their matching highchairs and begins their breakfast.

As soon as she turns back to the stove her daughter begins to cry so Rachel turns on the radio and begins singing, soothing her with her voice. She reaches into the freezer and sticks her tongue out in disgust as she unwraps the bacon and eggs. She's been vegan for as long as she can remember, ever since she saw the horrible video about dairy farms, she's refused to eat any animal products. Of course she doesn't force her children to eat vegan as well, they were clearly meat lovers, something she'd learned the hard way during her pregnancy.

It's not until two long pale arms wrap their way around her bruised stomach that she realizes she's in trouble. She didn't hear him come in because of the radio and she immediately regretted her mistake. He was awake and expecting breakfast and it was her fault it wasn't ready yet. She knows she's going to be punished for this, he always punishes her when she messes up.

She's about to apologize when she's forcefully pulled away from the stove and back against him, his fingers digging possessively into her waist.

"Where the fuck is my food?" he whispers harshly into her ear. "Are you deaf? I am speaking to you!" he yells. "Where the fuck is my goddamn breakfast?" he screams. Almost instantly her son stops his babbling and goes completely quiet and her daughter wails loudly.

Her cries break Rachel's heart and she knows she's freighted of him. He never spends any time with them and to be honest, they probably don't know who he is.

"It's c-coming," she says, trying to keep control over her voice. Her eyes burn with tears, but she refuses to let them fall. It's a promise she had made to herself, she'll never let him see her cry.

"Hurry it up then," he says as he grinds himself into Rachel from behind, breathing roughly down her neck. He leers at her like she's a piece of meat as he sits down at the table and begins sorting through the paper Rachel leaves for him every morning.

She finishes the bacon she made for him and serves it to him, shivering as he smiles and plants a kiss on her cheek. She hates that smile, that devious one he always gives her before something bad happens. She shakes it off and serves her kids the mini pancakes she made into little dinosaur shapes for her son and stars for her daughter. She sits down with her freshly prepared fruit bowl while she watches her son smash his food into his mouth while her daughter neatly picks at hers.

So far it had been a typical morning for Rachel. It begins with him screaming, eating breakfast, screaming more, and then leaving. A knot formed in her stomach as she watches him finish off his plate. She knows there's going to be more yelling, there's always more yelling. She stands up and takes their plates to the sink and begins washing them, praying to a god she no longer believes in that he'll spare her just this once.

It's not until a white hot searing pain burns her legs that she realizes it's never going to happen. She crumbles to the floor, howling in pain. Her legs feel like they're literally on fire. She fights to hold back the tears, they're burning in her eyes almost as badly as her legs are burning. They cloud her vision and she panics because she can't see him at all. The only sound she can hears are her children crying and a sizzling sound she realizes is coming from her scorching legs.

She hears his footsteps approaching her and she jumps back in effort to get away, but like always he's there to make sure she can't escape. He slams the skillet down on the table and she realizes that he's poured the hot grease over the back of her legs. His fingers close around her throat as he forces her to stand.

"Please," she gasps out. "P-p-please stop." Reluctantly he lets go, leaving her gasping for breath on the floor.

"I'll be home late this evening and I expect you to be ready for me when I get in," he says as he straightens out his shirt.

"Okay," she mumbles, praying that he would just leave already.

"Rachel," he grunts.

"Yes?" she answers quietly. She's in too much pain to fight him anymore.

"Is there something you'd like to say to me?" he asks, his eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face.

"H-have a g-g-great show, Jesse," she answers.

* * *

**Author's note: I hope you all enjoy this more than the original because even I can admit that it was absolutely awful.**

**Please review.**


	2. Ducky Days

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

* * *

8:30 A.M.

She sits there shaking violently, her body trying to fight off the blazing pain in her legs. For a moment she's completely stunned, he's never done anything this cruel or painful before. But then she thinks about her past and she knows that this isn't any worse than what she went through back in Lima. At one point in her life, she considered her house in Lima a home. Now she has no home, her only comfort zone is with her children, but even then she's on edge. She knows she's not safe here, but her children are. They're happy unlike her and she can't take that away from them, at least not yet. Some day she'll get out.

She wipes her tears and forces herself to stand on her feet, shoving the pain aside like she's done so many times before. She picks up her crying babies and dries their tears as she carries them back up to their playpen. Calming them down proves to be more difficult than she thinks. They're wailing loudly and no matter how hard she rocks them, they're not letting up. It's only when she promises a trip to Central Park to feed the ducks that they both stop.

"Ducks!" her son exclaims, smiling through his tears.

She smiles as her little girl nods her head eagerly. Feeding the ducks is her second favorite thing next to music of course. Rachel would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy it as well. Watching them chase after the little bread crumbs she throws is relaxing and when she's out with her kids at the park, she can forget about her past and her life with Jesse. He doesn't allow her to go many places on her own, but because the park is within walking distance she can sneak out for an enjoyable afternoon out with her kids.

She leaves them in their playpen and runs to the bathroom where she runs ice-cold water out her burning legs. They're bright red, inflamed, and swollen. Painful blisters are beginning to form and she knows walking will be difficult for the next few days. When her legs go numb from the ice water, she turns off the facet and struggles to stand. She goes into her closet and throws away her ruined skirt and replaces it with a pair of loose pants. They rub up against her blisters every time she takes a step, but she can't let anyone see her legs. _She _doesn't even want to look at them. It's bad enough they're covered in countless scars from her past, but now she's got these god-awful burns marks everywhere and she doesn't know how long it'll take them to fade-_if_ they'll ever fade.

She can hear her son babbling as usual and she smiles as she makes her way to her bedroom to make the bed and tidy up. She changes the rumpled sheets and frowns as his voice echoes in her mind.

"_I expect you to be ready for me when I get in,"_ he spits before he leaves the house. She is relieved in a way because it means he won't be home for dinner, but she dreads the nights that he takes advantage of her. She knows that as his girlfriend she has to tend to his needs every once and a while, but that doesn't mean she enjoys it in the slightest bit. It's better than the alternative, either she does it on her own accord or he takes what he wants from her and leaves her even more broken than she already is.

They don't make love, they never have. She's only done that twice and after what he did to her she knows she'll never be able to do it again. She'll never be able to connect with someone the way she did in the past. He took everything from her that night, even things she never knew she had. She knows she'll never get them back. She lives in constant fear and although she swears she has a sixth sense, she can never predict what he'll do next.

Sometimes he spares her and it doesn't take more than five minutes, but other times-when he wants her to suffer-he drags it out. He forces himself into her over and over again while she holds back the sobs that tear at her throat. She hates it. She hates him. Sometimes she goes along with it, she pretends to be his lover just so he takes it easy. She'll smile seductively and say all of the disgusting and degrading things he wants to hear so he's not so rough. Then when he's finished and snoring beside her, she crawls out of bed and runs into her children's room where she sleeps in the rocking chair, letting the rocking take her mind away from everything while she cries herself to sleep. She hates it when she gives into him, it makes her feel dirty, well dirtier than she usually does anyway. Other times she refuses him, she fights him until every bone in her body aches and even then she fails. No matter what she does he gets what he wants. He always has, he's Jesse St. James after all.

She doesn't know why he does it, why he's constantly hurting her. It's not just physical, it's mental and emotional as well. Her entire life she's suffered from abuse whether it was the bullies at school or the pain she's endured when she lived in Lima. She doesn't know what she did to deserve this life, why she's been hiding for so long. She thinks about telling someone almost everyday. The thought always dies away as soon as it enters her mind because they is no one for her to tell. She has absolutely no one left.

She remembers the time she almost let it slip, the time she almost told her father about what was happening.

_She wakes up at 6:00 on the dot filled with excitement. Her stomach is churning and she's overwhelmed by nervous jitters, but she doesn't let it stop her. It's her first day of high school at William McKinley. She jumps on the elliptical for her thirty-minute workout. She's been noticing that the little bit of baby fat she's acquired is becoming more and more noticeable and she wants it gone. She thinks that's why her boyfriend has been so distant lately, but deep down she knows that's not the reason. Still, she won't let it ruin her day._

_She puts on her cutest skirt and a matching sweater before entering her bathroom to finish her morning routine. She wants to look absolutely perfect when she heads down to say goodbye to her dad, Hiram. He only just got home from a business trip in Pennsylvania and he is leaving again for Nebraska in just a few short hours. Rachel hates when Hiram leaves her alone with Leroy. He isn't the caring father everyone thinks he is. He doesn't dote on his daughter and treat her like a princess while her dad is away. Despite what everyone around them thinks, Leroy Berry is not a nice man. He is a monster._

_She is absolutely terrified of him. _

_She brushes it aside and pulls out a small makeup compact. She's just barely fourteen and knows nothing about the stuff, but there's a greenish splotch just below her left ribcage that she doesn't want anyone to see it. It only happened a few nights ago when Leroy pinned her down and forced her to kiss him. She's never had a mother to talk to about these things, the closet female figure she has is Debbie Puckerman. She sighs as she applies the make up to her wound, wincing as she presses down on it. It's not the first time he's hurt her like this and she knows it won't be the last._

_She looks into the mirror and studies her reflection. She knows she's not a very pretty girl, her daddy tells her that almost every night. Her nose is too big and her eyes are too close together. Her hair is dull and she has large bags under her eyes from countless nights of sleep. She's never had friends before, but she's desperately hoping to change that. She just needs someone to talk too, someone to trust. She always thought that person was her boyfriend, but lately she's not so sure._

_She knows why he won't come near her anymore and it's not because she's getting fat. It's because every time he tries, she gets scared and pulls away. He doesn't understand why she's acting the way she is and she can't tell him. She doesn't want him to look at her any differently and she's almost positive that if she tells him, he'll leave her. It's not that she doesn't love him because she does. She's never loved anyone or anything the way she loves him and it kills her to admit that a part of her is afraid of him. She knows it's ridiculous and that he would never ever hurt her, but she knows he's capable. All men are capable doing what her daddy does and therefore they're capable of hurting her and for that reason she can't help but to be afraid._

_It doesn't occur to her until now that there will be boys at school. Older boys, it is high school after all. She starts to panic, she doesn't leave the house anymore except to go to her lessons and all of her teachers are female. Her daddy doesn't take her to temple anymore so she's stopped going all together, she doesn't see a reason to go anymore anyway. She stopped believing in god the day Leroy snuck into her room for the first time._

_She doesn't know if she's going to be able handle the guys at school, her dad, Hiram, took her out to eat the other day and when the waiter went to grab her plate, his arm brushed her-barely there-breasts. She froze in fear, holding back the tears. She wasn't successful though, Hiram knew something was wrong and when he reached out to comfort her, she crumbled in his arms. He didn't question her and believed her story about being nervous for her first day of school._

_She takes deep breaths, trying to calm herself. She thought she would be able to put it behind her when she started school. She thought it would be a distraction from everything else, but she is wrong. She knows she's being dramatic and that nobody will mess with her at school. She has a boyfriend who attends McKinley, he's popular and a jock and she knows he'll stick up for her. He always has. All she has to do is stay with him and keep her guard up and no one will ever know she's hiding anything._

_That is one of the many reasons she loves Broadway, besides the singing and dancing of course. She can throw herself into character and pretend to be someone else. Someone who isn't Rachel Berry. When she's on the stage, nothing can stop her, not even her daddy. When she's on the stage, she's not Rachel Berry, the abused girl. She's a star. She doesn't have to hide anything._

_She hears Hiram calling for her. He's going to be leaving soon and he wants to say goodbye. She takes a deep breath and reaches into the medicine closet, grabbing a little silver razor blade wrapped in a white cloth. She knows when he leaves, Leroy will come after her. She needs this time to herself, she has to take control before she looses it-or rather-it's taken from her again._

_She drags the blade across her skin and watches as the blood pours into the white sink. She turns on the faucet and watches the water mix with the crimson red, turning it a light pink. She makes another slice and welcomes the pain it brings. It's her body, for now anyway._

_The high the razor brings wears off and almost immediately she's craving more. She wants to cut deeper, she wants more. The pain brings a forth a rush of endorphins and makes her forget about everything else, she's relaxed and her body is numb. In this moment, nothing else matters. She's ashamed that she depends so much on this little piece of metal and that without it she would self-destruct. She knows deep down she's already halfway there anyway._

_The razor is her lifeline, it helps her keep her mask in place. Just knowing that she has some type of release-other than singing-keeps her façade from dissolving completely._

_She makes one more deep cut right across the middle of her wrist. She inhales as the numbness takes over yet again, her mind floating like clouds in the sky. She hears her name again and she snaps out of her trance. She quickly cleans herself and the razor and pulls her sweater down to hide any evidence of her addiction._

_She remembers how she used to feel in the beginning. How after she cut she used to cry over her scarred flesh. Now she doesn't care, her body is disgusting. She is disgusting. She is always dirty. It doesn't matter how hard she scrubs, his filth covers her entire being-inside and out._

_She takes one last look in the mirror and plasters on the fake smile she has to wear for the rest of the day. She grabs her bag and runs downstairs, pecking her dad, Hiram on the cheek. He smiles and puts down his morning paper, taking a gulp of his coffee._

_He stares at her skeptically as she stands there smiling. He knows something's up with her, but he doesn't have time to investigate it. His flight leaves in less than two hours and he needs to get to the airport._

"_Good morning, dad," she smiles brightly._

"_Good morning, Ray. Are you feeling alright?" he asks as he finishes off his coffee._

"_Of course I am!" she says convincingly. "Other than the obvious nerves they call 'first day jitters', I believe I'm feeling perfectly fine."_

"_If you're sure Sunshine, you just look a little-I don't know-down I suppose," he shrugs as he takes his coffee mug to the sink._

"_Dad, don't be silly!" she exclaims. "I'm simply excited for my first day of high school. You know education is the key to success and as a young girl it would be absolutely foolish of me to not take advantage of the wonderful opportunities that high school will provide for me," she says at a rapid speed. It's something she became good at. The faster she talks and the more words she uses, the less likely people paid attention. In a way it was a defense mechanism, a way to distract people-mainly adults-from noticing the fear in her eyes, the bags that consumed half her face, and the way she couldn't hold her head up or make eye contact for more than a minute. It kept her secret safe and ultimately kept people away in general which she is completely okay with. The less people, the less she has to pretend. She hates pretending._

"_That's great, Ray," he interrupts. "Look, Sweetie, I need to head out. I'm very sorry that I won't be able to take you on your first day, but your daddy will drive you, so I'll see you later, alright?"_

_Her eyes widen in fear, being alone in a car with her daddy isn't an ideal situation and she knows nothing good will come of it. She shakes it off and smiles even wider. "Are you sure you can't take me? I'd really appreciate it if you would, especially since you'll be gone for so long," she pouts. Inside she's praying that she can guilt him into driving her and possibly sparing her another incident with Leroy. It's been over a week since the last one and the bruises are almost healed, she'd hate to have to cover new ones. It's much too time consuming and with school on her hands, she's worried she won't have time to balance everything and if it's one thing Rachel Berry hates-more than Leroy-it's being unprepared._

"_I'm sorry, Ray, I'd really like to take you but I just can't. I'll risk missing my flight and loosing my job, you're daddy is more than happy to take you, isn't that right, Leroy?" he asks as the taller man enters the kitchen._

"_Of course, I'd be more than happy to take her. We can even pop in that new Patti LuPone CD we picked up the other day," he winks as he pours himself a cup of coffee._

_She tries her hardest to keep the tears back. Her daddy wasn't always a monster, at one point he was just as loving as Hiram, if not more. It's hard for her to accept that the man standing before her is her daddy. The daddy that taught her to ride a bike, who held her hand when she got her booster shots, and who encouraged and supported her Broadway dreams. _

_She looks up at him and no longer sees her daddy anymore. Instead she sees a monster. One who steals away a piece of her every night he comes into her room at night. Every time he raises the glass of scotch to his lips, she knows she's in trouble. She's learned how to recognize the signs, but she can't escape. She's literally trapped in her own personal hell and there's absolutely no one to save her._

_Her dad, Hiram, walks over to her and kisses her forehead and mumbles a quick goodbye. She doesn't realize it though, her eyes are trained on the monster standing in front of her watching her every move and before she knows it, she's left alone with her daddy, Leroy._

_He stares at her through hooded dark brown eyes and she swallows the fear with a gulp. He walks towards her and though every bone in her body is screaming at her to run until he legs give out, she's completely frozen. She can't move even if she wanted to. He places his hands on her shoulders roughly and she can't hold back the tiny whimper._

"_Can I help you?" she asks quietly, her eyes glued to the penny loafers on her feet._

"_You know what I want," he answers firmly as he pushes her sweater off her shoulders._

"_No," she says firmly. "Not this morning, please," she begs. "I need to get to school."_

_He pulls the sweater off and leers at her topless body. She hates this feeling, this exposed dirty feeling that never leaves. "I've missed you so much this past week, didn't you miss daddy?" he asks as tears pour down her face._

"_Daddy, please," she begs, but her efforts are fruitless. Her cries and pleads fall onto deaf ears as he pushes her to the ground and crawls on top of her._

_It wasn't the first time her daddy, Leroy, had raped her, but it was the first time he'd done it sober. At least when he was inebriated she could blame his actions on the alcohol, but now that he is sober, she's at a loss._

She remembers everything about the way her daddy treated her, the memories haunt every hour of every day. She remembers the sound his belt made when it hit the tiled floors, the creak of her mattress as he crawled on top of her, and the sharp rip of the cotton underwear as he tore them from her body. She remembers the way he held his hand over her mouth as he thrust himself inside her. She remembers the way it felt as he forced himself on her-like he was tearing her apart from the inside out. She remembers how he would grunt and groan while she struggled beneath him, fighting to get away.

She thinks about her first day of school and how she'd basically missed the entire day because of her daddy. She'd had to walk the four miles that morning and it rained the entire time. By the time she got there, the last period had just ended. She ran into the bathroom and tried to dry herself off, but was stop by three cheerleaders in crisp red and white uniforms.

She remembers the insults they threw at her and how each one cut her sharper than her razor blade. She remembers thinking about calling her boyfriend, but the morning she had with her daddy was too much and seeing him would only cause her to break. She remembers the way she held in her tears and kept her head held high as they laughed at her.

She remembers how broken she felt then and how broken she still is. She remembers moment she thought it would change, the moment she realized she had something to live for.

She remembers the yellow piece of paper tacked against the wall. It was a sign up sheet for the school glee club called _New Directions._ She remembers the smile that broke out, the first genuine smile in over a year. She chuckles as she remembers the way she signed her name and placed a gold star next to it. She remembers how important metaphors were to her-how important they still are to her.

That was the day she'd promised herself she'd make a change. That she'd never let her daddy and the bullies get to her. She remembers how she swore she'd give the glee club her all and how she'd become the star she was destined to be. She also remembers that as soon as she finished placing the gold star next to her name that she was hit with an ice-cold liquid she later realized was a slushy, and that it was only the first of many more to come.

* * *

**Author's note: This story is a rewrite.**

**See profile for clothes and visuals.**

**Please review.**


	3. The Duck Days are Over

** Disclaimer: Do not own Glee.**

* * *

10:00 A.M.

"Look at the ducks, do you see them?" she asks her little girl who cuddles closer to her mother.

"Big duck!" her son exclaims as he points towards the pond.

"That's a goose, baby," she laughs. "Why don't you feed him some bread?"

She hands the bread to the little boy and watches as he runs towards the pond and tosses it in. He sits on the sides and waits for the goose to eat his bread. His little face is scrunched in concentration while his eyes trained on the brown goose floating in the middle of the pond. He reminds her of his father so much that it literally knocks the air right out of her lungs.

"Eat, eat!" he yells at the goose.

Her daughter clings to her, her chubby little hands tangled in Rachel's hair. "Why don't you try feeding the goose, baby girl?" Rachel asks as she sets her daughter down in the grass.

The little girl pouts and her lip begins trembling as she reaches her arms back up for her mother. Her big green eyes are filled with tears and Rachel almost caves in and scoops the little girl back into her arms. Instead she shakes her head and hands the little girl a piece of bread. She stares at the bread for a second before throwing it on the ground and reaching for her mother again.

"Momma can't hold you all the time, baby girl. Look at all these ducks, don't you want to give them some bread? I'm sure they're very hungry," Rachel says as she picks the bread up and wraps the little girl's hand around it.

She gives a little huff before she walks over the where her brother is sitting in the grass. She looks out into the pond and sets her eyes on the goose before tossing the bread in as far as she possibly can.

They watch in pure shock as the goose flies up from the water and catches the bread in mid-air. The water sprays up from where the goose was swimming and they shriek in excitement.

"Momma!" they both yell, their high-pitched baby voices ringing out the most beautiful melody she's ever heard, a tune better than any Barbra Streisand song or any Broadway musical.

"I see it, good job!" she praises as her kids run into her arms. She grabs both of them and tickles them feverishly as they howl with laughter.

A walk in the park with her kids is all she needs to calm her nerves and forget about everything. She lives for one reason and one reason only and that's her kids. She picks them up and places them in their double stroller as she starts the walk back home.

Her children sit and laugh together, babbling excitedly. Even her daughter is talking aimlessly, something extremely rare. She thinks maybe it's a sign and that tonight won't be as bad as she thinks. She's hoping maybe he'll forget and that by the time he gets home he'll be too tired.

She notices the old pigeon ladies in the park staring at her. It's nothing new, they always stare at her, their disgust written clear across their wrinkled faces. They think she's nothing but another statistic, a disgrace to society-an unwed teenage mother. She doesn't let it get to her anymore, she's got more important things to worry about then the bitter old ladies in the park.

At first she is mortified when they approach her, calling her a harlot and an irresponsible little girl. She doesn't understand why they are calling her two beautiful children bastards. She thinks they're the most precious babies on the face on the earth. The pregnancy itself was a miracle, she had a lot of complications and after it was all said and done she was told her chances of conceiving naturally were slim to none. She doesn't mind though, she has two amazing children and that is enough for her.

She walks right past them and gives them a smug smile. She can't help but to be proud, her children and not only beautiful but well behaved and when they both smile and wave at they elderly women, her smile turns into an arrogant smirk. She loves her children more than life itself.

It's lunchtime when they get back to the apartment. She sets them down in the living room with their toy blocks while she goes to fix them some lunch. She makes them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, cutting them up into tiny little squares so they don't make too much of a mess-well so her son won't make a mess.

She walks back into the living room and smiles as they both call out to her. "Momma, look!" her son says excitedly as he shows her his jumbled tower of blocks. His tower is leaning over almost all the way, but somehow he manages to keep it steady. She scoops him into her arms and plants a sloppy kiss on his cheek, smiling as he squeals with joy.

She carries him over to where her daughter is sitting peacefully playing with her blacks. "What are you making with you blocks, baby girl?" she asks as the little girl looks up at her, her wide green eyes sparkling.

"Mine," she says as she shows her mother her perfectly straight row of blocks. They're stacked so neatly Rachel swears it was done by someone else, there's no way her one and a half year old daughter can arrange the blocks in a row this straight.

"It's beautiful," she says, smiling at her little girl. She scoops her up into her other arm and carries them to their highchairs where she serves them lunch. She sighs tiredly as she munches on some grapes. It's almost naptime for the twins and she's love nothing more than a little rest herself, but she has schoolwork to get done.

When they're finished eating, she clears away the dishes and takes her half-asleep children up to their room. She sits in the rocking chair and holds her babies in her lap watching as their eyelids drop and their breaths even out.

She knows they won't fall asleep until she sings. They're fighting sleep and loosing terribly, but she knows they'll hold out until she gives them what they want. She lets the rocking chair set the rhythm, the creaking sound it makes as it rocks over the hardwood floors sets the tempo as she begins singing.

_Smile though your heart is aching. Smile even though it's breaking._

_When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.  
If you smile through your pain and sorrow. Smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through, for you._

She notices that they've drifted off into dreamland, her daughter cuddled into her neck and her son drooling away on her shirt. She smiles and continues singing, she choose this song for a reason.

_Light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness._

_Although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying._

_Smile, what's the use of crying?_

_You'll find that life is still worthwhile,_

_If you just smile._

She hasn't smiled at anything but her children in years. Her world is completely darkened by her past and her life with Jesse. She finds it kind of ironic that she's blessed with these two miracles despite everything that's ever happened. It's almost like someone decided she's had enough darkness and chose to throw in some light-two little lights to be exact.

She carries them over to their cribs and lays them down, pressing a light kiss to each of their foreheads. She stands there for a while marveling at them, she can't believe she made something so perfect. Tears spring to her eyes when she thinks about the awful secret she's keeping. She's a horrible person for doing this, but she has no choice. It's her daddy's entire fault. If he wouldn't have hurt her and raped her, none of this would have happened. She wouldn't be raising her children with another monster or even be with him at all. She's never loved him and she never will, he was her only option at the time. It was either him or absolutely nothing.

She flicks off the light and grabs the baby monitor, closing the door on her way out. She tidies up everything she possibly can before sitting down at the computer in the office. She started online schooling when she was 6 months pregnant. She's only two weeks away from having her high school diploma mailed to her and then she's free.

She's been saving as much as she could, she only has a few hundred, but it's a start. As soon as she gets that piece of paper in the mail, she's gone. She doesn't know where she'll go, the price of the bus tickets will determine that. Whatever she can afford is where she'll go.

With her diploma, she'll be able to get a job and support her kids. She knows she'll probably end up on welfare, but she has no other choice. She has to get out. She plans on getting a part-time job while going to school and raising her kids. She knows how ridiculous it sounds and how hard it's going to be, but she's Rachel Berry and things have always been hard for Rachel Berry.

She plans on getting a degree in music education. She knows Broadway is out of the question, it requires too much time and she'll never make it. She hasn't lost her passion for singing-that's one thing he'll never be able to take from her-but she knows she's lost the spark she once had in her eyes. She's also got to lay low when she finally gets out. She doesn't doubt that Jesse will come after her and although seeing her name in lights has always been her dream, she can't have it now or ever.

She briefly thinks about contacting her father, Hiram. He never returned from his trip in Nebraska and when Hiram was arrested she received a phone call from him telling her he'd signed over his rights as her parent. It was too much for him, hearing about what Leroy did to their baby girl. He couldn't deal with seeing Rachel after that, he couldn't live with the guilt so he'd given her up instead. Despite what it seemed, Hiram loved his family very much, he just loved his job more.

She shoots the idea down the second it enters her mind, he doesn't want her and even if he did, she wouldn't force him to take her in. She didn't have the first clue as to where he was anyway and looking for him would take time and money, both of which she didn't have.

She starts up the computer and begins her work. She's got a 4.0 grade point average she's worked hard for and with the deadline approaching, she's got to work fast. She's only got two weeks to finish up her assignments and get the hell out of the apartment.

She's just finishing up her essay when the telephone rings. She automatically freezes, the only one that ever calls is Jesse or people from the show asking for him. Nobody from Lima knows she's here or even cares for that matter.

She submits the essay and carefully walks over to the phone, cradling the receiver against her ear. "H-hello?" she says quietly, her eyes clenched tightly. She knows it's Jesse, he always calls when he wants to torture her.

He pretends to be the loving father and boyfriend while he's showing off for his cast members. He puts her on speaker and tests her. He coos to her and tells her how much he loves her and their children and she's forced to respond back. She can always hear them in the background, fussing about how cute they are together and how lucky they are to have such great kids. She always plays her part, telling him about their day and what she did with the kids, telling him how much they all miss him and how proud they are of him.

It makes her sick to her stomach telling him these things. Each word is like a punch in the stomach and knowing that he gets off on it makes it even worse. He does it to remind her that he's in control and that she's nothing without him.

"Hello, Rachel?" a feminine voice calls over the phone. Her eyes fly open in shock, she'd know that voice anywhere. She thinks she's imagining it, she has to be. It's been three years. "Rachel, are you there?"

"S-shelby?" she asks when she finally finds her voice.

"Yes, are you alright?" she asks.

Rachel stands there frozen, she can't believe this is actually happening right now. Three years and she's never received a phone call or even a letter from the woman that saved her.

She remembers how it happened, how Shelby came into her life. It started after she'd broken up with her boyfriend. Her daddy had been coming into her room more and more and she couldn't even be around him without flinching. She knew she couldn't tell him the truth so she'd lied and told him she didn't love him anymore and that he simply wasn't good enough for her. She remembers the pained look in his eyes, the way they'd filled with tears as he grabbed his stuff and ran from her house. She thought he should have seen it coming, they'd hadn't been intimate in months and they barely talked. She knew he'd cheated on her with a handful of cheerios and that she could have just told him to leave and he would have, but she wanted to hurt him. She wanted to hurt him as badly as everyone was hurting her.

He didn't stand up for her at school anymore and the bulling was becoming almost as unbearable as her daddy. The pornographic pictures and the slushies had nothing on the names and insults they'd throw at her. She heard them so much she'd started to believe them and when the one person she thought she could trust threw a grape flavored slushy in her face, she broke.

Without him, her life was even more miserable that she thought possible. Her life consisted of waking up, praying her daddy didn't see her, walking the four miles to school, avoiding as many cheerios as possible-mainly the unholy trinity, walking back home, and praying again that her daddy didn't come into her room.

Glee club was her only outlet and even there she was hated and insulted daily, at least her talent was appreciated. She'd thought about quitting so many times-especially that day-but if she wanted to make it, she had to keep trying.

She'd never forget the day she met Jesse St. James. He found her crying over the piano in the music store. Her daddy had been rough on her that morning and to make matters worse, Mr. Shue had called her out in front of everyone. She'd learned that his words cut deeper than any one of the cheerio's because she looked up to him. She remembered the look in his eyes when he'd called her selfish, the way they darkened just like Leroy's. She tried to stay strong-she really did-but when he raised his voice, all she could hear was her daddy's roar and not two seconds later did she fly from the room in complete hysterics.

She knew after that she couldn't go back there. She couldn't face Mr. Shue again, much less the glee club who already hated her. She found herself becoming more and more bitter, resenting everyone else's simple life. She wasn't ready to give up on her dream yet, which was why she was at the music store in the first place. Even though she'd quit the club, she would still complete all of the assignments. She wouldn't let her fear of men get in her way of stardom-she wouldn't let Leroy control her life-even if she did have all of her classes rearranged so that she had all female teachers.

He sat down beside her, commenting on her choice of music. At first she was terrified, she didn't like men and having him sitting so close to her freaked her out. She put up her mask and excused herself, taking the book with her. She needed to get out of there before she caused a scene and was kicked out of her favorite store. He grabbed her wrist as she fled, causing a small yelp to escape her lips. He immediately let go, his bright blue eyes filling with concern. He apologized, claiming that he only wanted to help her with the song. He introduced himself and she'd mentally kicked herself for not recognizing him earlier. He was practically a local star, leading his glee club to three National championships in a row.

She knew she should leave, but she couldn't. She was drawn to him, to his expertise. He knew what it took to become a star, he already was one in her eyes. She found herself sitting back down on the bench with him, unable to look away from his piercing blue eyes. She didn't see anything harmful in those blue eyes, if anything she felt safe. She could kill herself now for ever thinking that, for ever thinking Jesse St. James was anything more than a monster. She blames her sixth sense-or lack thereof-for her inability to judge one's character.

She'd left the music store already feeling like a star and with Jesse St. James' number in her pocket. They'd only talked for a couple of hours, but he'd made her feel things she hadn't in a long time, things she thought she wasn't capable of feeling again. She was so eager to meet with him again, so eager to talk to him. She didn't know what it was about him, but he made her feel human again. With Leroy she felt anything but, like she was some sort of filthy creature only used for pleasure and then shoved aside.

She shakes her head removing every thought of how Jesse St. James wormed his way into her life and introduced her to the mother who saved her only to turn her back on her when she needed her the most.

"What do you want, Shelby?" she snaps.

"I just wanted to double check and make sure that next week was okay?" she asks. It literally kills Rachel how unabashed she sounds, like she didn't carelessly kick her own flesh and blood to the curb. To makes matters worse, she replaces Rachel with a newer model. She couldn't really blame Shelby though, she wouldn't want a daughter like herself anyway. A broken, ugly, and completely useless, girl like Rachel who flinches every time she's near a man and slices her arm up so badly she'd almost succeeded in ending her life a few times.

It's only the icing on the cake when she'd learned it was the daughter of Quinn Fabray and Noah Puckerman. Quinn, her biggest tormentor, the girl who sought out to hurt her and Noah, her-she stops, she won't let herself think about him. To Rachel, Quinn was no better than Leroy. Anyone who purposely hurts someone is a monster and Rachel who rather rot in hell before she becomes one of them. She's thought about it a few times, about letting go and striking back, hurting all the people that hurt her. She's definitely got enough anger to get away with it, but she could never do that to her kids, let alone herself.

She's angry now, angry at everything and everyone. She's just about to hang up the phone when Shelby speaks again. "Listen, Rachel, I know we've had our differences, but I'd love to try again. I really want that mother-daughter relationship we had for a while and I'd really love for Beth to get to get a chance to know her big sister and her cousins."

Her fists are curled so tightly, her nails are drawing blood from her palm. She's beyond angry now, her blood is literally boiling its way through her veins. She slams the phone down and runs up the stairs two by two. She needs a release and singing isn't enough. She runs into the bathroom and grabs the silver razor blade she keeps beneath the sink. She unwraps it and holds it over her arm-over the millions of faded scars-and cries. No matter how much she wants to, she can't. There are too beautiful little people in the next room that need her.

She tosses the blade across the room and sinks to the floor, loud sobs escaping her throat. She hates Shelby, more than Quinn, Jesse, and Leroy combined. Words cannot describe how much she hates the woman she once loved more than her own pathetic life. At least the later three hadn't hurt her the way Shelby had, they hadn't played with her emotions, loved her, bonded with her, gave her a reason to trust them, and then tossed her to the side. No, that had all been Shelby. At least Leroy had been clear on what he wanted from her, she was only there for indulgence purposes, but Shelby? She couldn't think of a reason as to why her own mother had hurt her the way she did. She was completely baffled, sure she'd messed up when she got pregnant. She hadn't meant too, she just got caught up in the moment and she was just so desperate to be loved, to be touched in a way she hadn't been in years. Of course she didn't mean to get pregnant, she couldn't even get close to a man without freaking out let alone plan a pregnancy. It just felt so right in that moment. She remembers it clearly, how she forgot about Leroy and let go.

She knows now that she can never 'let go' like that again. She 'let go' once after Leroy and ended up pregnant and now that Jesse's in the picture, she can't imagine being intimate with someone else. The idea alone terrifies her, she's even more afraid of men now then she was before. How can she not be when the two men she let herself trust hurt her in the worst ways possible?

She doesn't resent her children or her decision to keep them and she never will. She loves her babies more than anything and if they weren't with her, she would've offed herself a long time ago. They're her sole purpose for living.

She dries her tears and heads into their room where she finds them wide awake with big smiles on their faces. She can't help but to smile back. She's convinced they have some kind of magical power that lets them know when she's upset. It only takes one smile from them, one little gap-toothed baby grin and all her troubles are gone. She's glad she chose not to cut herself. It's been over two years since she's picked up a razor blade and held it over her flesh. She feels awful for even thinking about cutting, for letting herself sink that low. She picks up her baby girl and promises that she'll get rid of it, just having it around keeps the temptation alive and she wants it dead more than she does Jesse.

It's around seven when they finish up dinner and carries them up to bed. The trip to the park wore them out, but she was too restless to sleep. She didn't know what Jesse was planning and after Shelby's call-which she was one hundred percent sure he had something to do with-she was terrified. She couldn't afford to be hospitalized again, the last time he'd nearly killed her when the social worker brought up abuse and she hesitated.

She held her kids in their beloved rocking chair and hummed as they cuddled against her. It didn't take long before they were fast asleep. She debates over sleeping in their room. She's done it a few times when she knows he's angry or out getting drunk, but she knows it'll only make him even more upset. She knows she'll end up back in the room by morning anyway, she never can make it all the way through the night in that bed, or any bed in general. She has a problem with the bed, it's not the mattress, the bedframe, or even the box spring that get her, it's what's happened to her while sleeping in a bed that she can't handle. She'd much rather sleep in the rocking chair where she knows she's safe.

Last night she was too tired and somehow managed to make it through the night, but the wake up call she received was proof enough that she wasn't safe sleeping in a bed. Especially in a bed with a man, the bruised stomach, busted lip, bloody nose, and scorched legs just wasn't worth it.

She puts them in their respective cribs and sneaks off to the music room where she lets herself get lost in the melody. Her fingers gliding over the keys as she sings until her heart's content. She sits at the piano feeling completely relaxed until she hears the front door open. She flies towards the bedroom and pretends to be asleep. It's a little after midnight so she hopes he'll buy it, she even forces out a light snore to make it more believable.

She hears the bedroom door creak open and his heavy footsteps on the floor. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to calm her shaking body. She feels the bed dip next to her and almost immediately she can smell the alcohol. She prays that he's too drunk to get it up and that'll he'll pass out and leave her alone, but she knows it's highly unlikely. He never gets that drunk, only drunk enough to take away whatever anger he has inside and release it on her.

She hears him groan as he pushes her hair away from her face and she fights back a cringe. She focuses on keeping her breathing steady, he's drunk but not stupid. He's an actor, he knows faking when he sees it.

"Fucking pathetic," he mumbles as he palms her breasts through her shirt. "You can't even stay awake to please you boyfriend."

She hears him shuffle around on the bed and the sound of something hit the floor. "I do everything for you and you can't even attempt to say thank you," he slurs drunkenly as she hears him lower his zipper.

"I provide you with a nice house in a nice neighborhood for you and those bastard children and what do I get in return?" he chuckles darkly. "A little fucking bitch like you that's what."

She gulps as she feels him climb over top of her, his body crushing her beneath him.

"You're only good for one thing, Rachel. Even your daddy knew that," he spits. He knows he hits her low when her talks about Leroy. He's not sure if it's even true, but if Shelby says so than it must be and the way she starts trembling beneath him tells him he's right.

He smiles in the darkness. He likes hurting Rachel, not only does it make him feel better, but it's payback. She knew what she was doing when she got pregnant with those bastard kids. She knew she was ruining his future when she refused to get rid of them and she did it anyway. It's like she didn't care about him, about what he wanted. He never wanted to be a teenage father and if he had it his way, he'd never have kids at all. She knew he couldn't leave her alone and pregnant, she knew it would ruin his reputation. She'd purposely sucked him into a life he didn't want. He thanks god for Shelby though, she pays for nearly everything and somehow she got him the audition he landed after five minutes. He always knew he'd be star, bastard children or not. He still hates it though, he hates that he has to pretend. He hates that people expect him to marry Rachel and live happily ever after when he'd rather die.

That's why he hits her. He watched his father slap his mother around as a kid and now that he's older he completely understands why. His bitch of a mother actually tried to keep him from work. She thought he was having an affair with his secretary when she found a pair of her panties in the washing machine. It was actually Jesse who screwed her, she was hot and desperate and who was he to deny her the pleasure of being with the only and only Jesse St. James? It didn't matter though, she should have minded her own business in the first place. Who care what a man does outside the house, he's the provider after all. How dare she question him when he gave her everything she's ever owned? Personally he believed his mother deserved it, just as he believes Rachel does as well.

He grinds into her, loving the way she fights to hold back tears. He thinks she's finally learning her lesson and her place in this house. "Your disgusting you know that?" he asks as his hand reaches to into her panties.

He fondles her and grins evilly as she releases a sob. She hates when he does this, when he makes he body react to him. She feels like she's betraying herself and her kids when she gets wet. It's like her body is readying itself specifically for him and the thought alone makes her sick.

"That's a good girl," he whispers as he slides his fingers around in her wetness. "I told you that you're good at this."

She's completely beside herself in that moment. Either she gives in and lets him take what he wants or she fights. Her brain is screaming fight, but her body is surrendering. Her stomach is sore and her legs are so tender that the slightest movement sends a blinding pain all the way up her spine.

What surprises her the most is when she opens her mouth and asks him the question that's been eating at her all evening. "What are you planning with Shelby?" she whispers.

He's kissing her neck roughly when he hears her speak. He knew she wasn't sleeping and even though he hates her, he can't help but to commend her for keeping the act up so long. He chooses to ignore her and focus on himself for a minute.

She watches as he pulls away and looks at her curiously before reaching down and taking himself in his hand, stroking quickly. He throws his head back and grunts and she shoves his shoulder, demanding that he answer her.

He growls dangerously and pins her hands above her head, squeezing her wrists. "You're asking for it now, aren't you?" he snarls. "I thought I punished you enough this morning, but apparently you aren't satisfied."

"No, Jesse, please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just-" He cuts her off with a sharp slap to the face.

"Shut the fuck up before I find a better use for the mouth you like to use so much!" he hisses.

She closes her mouths immediately and lowers her head. She can feel him hard and ready against her stomach. She knows he's going to take her and if she wants to spare herself any more torture she should just let him.

So she does. She parts her legs for him and bites her tongue as he moans and slams himself into her. Tears prick at her eyes as he continues, each thrust breaking her more and more.

He finished inside her and rolls over her, panting heavily. She struggles to hold back the sobs as she curls into a ball as far away from him as possible.

She feels the bed dip and she whimpers. _Please not again_ she thinks to herself. _I can't take much more_. Her legs feel raw from rubbing against the sheets as he thrust and he cheek is still stinging from the slap.

He turns toward her, hate evident in his eyes. "Not that it's any of you fucking business, but Shelby asked if she could come over for dinner. It's been a while since I've seen her and I'd like to thank her in person for my successful role," he snaps. "I expect you to treat our guest properly and if you so much as mention any of this," he motions between them with his hand. "You and those brats will be out on the street faster than you can belt a high A."

He rolls away from her and is snoring before she can even register what he's said. She stands on shaking legs and heads down the hallway into her kids' room. She locks the door behind her as she curls into the rocking chair. She pulls her knees into her chest and sobs until she can't anymore. She looks over at both of her peacefully sleeping children and cries even though she has no tears left.

She decides that tomorrow she will start packing. She'll start off light, only packing the things that she knows he won't notice. She knows she'll have to travel light and leave mostly everything behind but it's worth it.

She can't wait any longer for the diploma to come, she figures she can have them send it to her new address. She hopes she has enough to get a place, the last thing she wants is to end up in a shelter, her kids deserve so much more than that.

Eventually she falls asleep, her children's laughter and the ducks in the park playing in her mind as she dreams of a better future.

* * *

**Disclaimer: _Smile _is by Charlie Chaplin. Do not own rights.**

**Please review.**


	4. My First Kiss

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Author's note: Please note-this story is being rewritten, it will not be exactly like the original**

**Warning: mature audience only**

* * *

She knows she's dreaming, she has to be. It's too good to be true, her life hasn't been this perfect in years.

_She's sitting at the piano back at her house in Lima, sandwiched in-between her fathers. They're signing loudly, a medley out of Rachel's favorite Broadway Classics book of course. She has a massive grin on her face and her eyes are glowing bright enough to be seen miles away. Her solo is coming up and she's never been more ready. She hears her daddy begin the intro and she opens her mouth and takes a deep breath. It's this moment right here that she makes the decision. She's going to be on Broadway._

_She hits every note with such precision that Hiram has to literally force himself to not break out in applause. Her voice comes out crisp and strong and for a tiny seven-year old, she's absolutely flawless. Her dad's jaw literally drops as her voice climbs higher and higher. He's wondering when she's going to crack, but he knows his daughter. It doesn't matter that they're only having fun at home and that no one else is around. It's a performance and as long as Rachel is performing, she is perfect. Her face is scrunched in concentration, eyes shut tight as she belts out the chorus. Him and Leroy were supposed to join her a good three measures ago, but they were both so engrossed in her enactment, they'd completely forgotten they even had a part to begin with. She's always been a star, always demanding attention, and here she is, living up to her reputation and literally stealing the show._

_The song is ending and Leroy's practically bouncing on his toes. There's a high A at the end and never in his 37 years has he heard a seven-year-old come close to hitting it. He keeps playing, slowing down at the retard and lowers the volume to a soft pianissimo. At first it's quiet, so quiet he thinks she's stopped signing, but then he hears it, it's clear and the pitch is spot on. She crescendos subtly at first and Hiram fears she'll run out of air. She keeps her voice steady, not even the slightest waver is detectable. _

_By the end she's belting, holding the note out as long as she possibly can and it's so perfect they're convinced she's been doing this her entire life. When she's finished she stands up and takes a bow, a blinding smile plastered across her face. Her fathers sit there completely silent, a look of pure awe in their eyes._

_She crosses her arms and purses her lips, she's a little offended that she didn't get the standing ovation she knows she deserves. "I'm a little disappointed in you two," she begins. "Daddy, you missed the third part harmony which is absolutely crucial to the song's development-not to mention you're emotional connection with the lyrics was sincerely lacking-and Dad, you missed your entrance on the second chorus. I'm appalled that you two call yourselves musicians, let alone Streisand worshipers. If Barbra happened to walk in during our performance, she would have been revolted. Anyone who worships her the way you two claim to have perfected each and every one of her performances."_

_They look at each other as they fight to hold back their laughter. Watching their seven-year-old stomp her feet and critique them over a song they were only playing for fun was too much for them._

"_You know, Leroy, I think Rachel is absolutely right. We should pay more attention and not be distracted by the wonder that so happens to be our little girl and dedicate our lives to perfecting Ms. Streisand's work," Hiram says smiling._

"_I couldn't agree more, Hiram, and from now on, Rachel, you're own your own. Hiram and I are nowhere near as talented as you, my dear. Why, you make us look like amateurs!" he laughs and she giggles. She knows they're being silly and she wouldn't have it any other way. She loves her daddies and while they're not an 'ideal' family-two gay men and a daughter conceived and carried via a surrogate-she wouldn't change it for the world. "It's a sin to drag down such an incredible performer such as yourself with this nonsense so in all regards to you, we quit." _

_She giggles as she turns her back to them. "Good riddance."_

_She storms out of the room, making sure they hear each and every footstep as she throws herself onto the couch. She counts to ten before she hears them tip-toeing back in. She raises her eyebrow and smirks. "Did you two need something? I'm very busy right now, they're screening RENT on the television," she says as she points to the large flat-screen in front of her._

_Her fathers look at each other for a brief second and nod, both of them jumping onto the couch and attacking her with their fingertips. She shrieks with laughter as they tickle her in her most sensitive places._

"_I'm sorry!" she screams, her shrieks becoming loudly and loudly. "I won't do it again!"_

"_I don't think so, Rachel, you really hurt our feelings back there," Hiram laughs as his fingers dance across her tummy._

"_No, daddy, you believe me right?" she asks, her brown eyes filling with tears of pure happiness._

"_Of course I do, Angel, but your dad's in charge not me," he laughs._

_She laughing so hard she's crying and running out of breath. Her body hurts from all the wiggling around and she feels tingly all over. Eventually the tickling stops and she's left with her head in her dad's lap while her feet drape over her daddy's legs. She's breathing heavily and giggling, she can still feel their fingers on her skin._

"_You know I didn't mean it, right?" she asks when her breathing returns to normal._

"_Of course, we were only messing with you, Sweetheart," Her dad says._

"_You're our star, Rachel, we'll always love you," Leroy smiles._

_She smiles as she closes her eyes, after her amazing performance and the tickle fight, she's exhausted. She loves days like these, days when it's just her and her daddies. She knows that Hiram is applying for a new job and that there's a possibility he won't be around as much. Part of her hopes he doesn't get it because she's going to miss him so much, but the other half knows he deserves it._

_She's just fallen asleep when the doorbell rings. Her eyes pop open, she knows who it is, she's been waiting all day for him to come. She jumps up from the couch and runs towards the door. Leroy is just about to scold her about answering the door to strangers when the heavy wooden door is thrown wide open, crashing into the wall behind it._

"_Noah!" she shrieks as she jumps into his arms._

"_Hey, Rach, you miss me?" he smirks._

_She knows it's ridiculous, he's her best friend-her only friend-but she can't help the blush that spreads across her cheek._

"_Of course I did, Noah, you've been gone for a whole month!" she exclaims._

_He smiles, showing off two rows of perfectly straight, pearly white teeth. "I missed you too, Rach."_

_She smiles, she loves the way he calls he 'Rach', he's the only one she allows to do so, just like she's the only one outside his family that calls him, Noah. To everyone else he's Puck, the mischievous little boy who's always finding himself in trouble._

_He spins her around so she's on his back and she rests her chin on top of his curly brown head. "Hey, Mr. and Mr. Berry, is it okay if Rach and I go down to the lake, I promise we'll be back before dark?" he yells into the living room._

_He doesn't wait for their reply-he knows it's yes anyway, the two have been inseparable since they went Rabbi Greenburg's summer camp two years ago-he's too busying running out the door with Rachel laughing on his back. He's never noticed it before, but he loves the way she laughs. It's loud and melodic and if he listens closely he can hear a tiny snort in between giggles._

_He dumps her into the grass and crawls on top of her while she howls with laughter. "Please, I can't take anymore tickling!" she yells as he prepares himself to tickle her senseless._

"_Aw, but I'm just getting started, it's been a month Rach and you know I give the best tickles in Lima," he smiles._

_She sits up with him on top of her, her smile fades as she becomes serious. "You also give the best hugs," she says as she wraps he arms around him. She notices that his shoulders have gotten a little wider since she's last seen him, a little broader. "I really, really missed you Noah," she whispers with her face buried in his chest._

"_I missed you too, Rach, I mean Nana Connie's ranch was totally awesome, but it woulda been way better if you were there too," he says as he rubs her back. He loves the way she fits against him, he knows it's crazy to think like this, but he spent a whole month talking to his mother and his Nana about Rachel and the way he feels about her. It was only last week that he finally realized it and now that he had, he's terrified._

"_We have so much to catch up on, now that you're back. Did you learn any new songs while you were away?" she asks, she knows he's been learning to play the guitar. He's a little shy when he sings-he's a ten-year-old boy after all-but she thinks he's has the best voice on the planet, next to her and Barbra of course._

"_Not really, we were kinda busy helping out and stuff. Next time we go you have to come, you'd love all the animals she has. Rebekah was totally flipping out over when we sheared the sheep, she thought we were hurting them," he chuckles._

_She smiles and hugs him tighter. "I feel like you've been gone forever, I missed you so much."_

"_You know it's only July right? We still have all summer to do stuff and I promise when I learn a new song, you'll be the first to hear it," he smiles._

_She loves the way he smiles, it's so different from his usual smirks and ever since Eli, his father left a few months ago it's been harder and harder to get him to smile like that. "So, what're we going to do today?" she asks as he climbs off of her and walks over to the tree stump, plopping down on it. Mrs. Puckerman had it chopped down the day she found all of Eli's stuff gone. They'd carved their initials into the bark the day after they bought the house together. _

"_I don't know, I kinda just wanted to talk," he shrugs._

"_About what?" she asks as she stands up, brushing the grass from her skirt. She walks over to him and he opens his arms, she smiles and sits in his lap, leaning her head on his shoulder._

_He takes a deep breath, he knows it's now or never. He's about to make a life changing decision and he's not entirely sure it's going to end up in his favor. He's taking a major risk here, there's a possible chance he could loose his best friend. _

_He's prepared this whole speech, he's going to tell her exactly how he feels in a romantically mushy way that will hopefully make her heart swoon. Instead he stutters and makes a complete fool of himself. He forgets everything he's practiced for the past week when he gazes down into those big brown eyes._

_She scrunches her eyebrows as she watches him stutter and choke on his words. She realizes that whatever he's about to say is serious and she feels her stomach clench in worry. What if he's telling her that he's moving or that he doesn't want to be friends anymore? Her eyes widen and she turns herself around on his lap so she's facing him. She grabs his face in her tiny hands and looks in his hazel eyes._

"_It'll be okay, Noah, no matter what we'll always be best friends," she says quietly._

_He shakes his head and she frowns. "I want more than that."_

_She blinks in confusion. "I want to be more than best friends, I want to be your boyfriend," he says, his eyes locked on hers._

_She gasps. "B-but that would mean you want me to be your g-girlfriend," she says unsurely._

_He smiles, he likes the way it sounds more than he thought he would. "Exactly."_

"_Why in the world would you want to be my boyfriend?" she asks._

"_Because you're the prettiest girl in Lima, no the entire world, and I want to kiss you," he says as he grabs her hands from his face._

"_Why can't you just kiss me, then?" she asks, her seven-year-old mind struggling to understand._

"_Because then you'll want to kiss other people and if you're my girlfriend you can only kiss me," he says exasperatedly. It's not his real reasoning but it works, he can tell she's confused and if he told her the truth he might scare her away._

_She gasps. "Never! Noah, I've never kissed anyone except my daddies on the cheek and that doesn't count at all!"_

_He laughs. "So will you be my girlfriend?" he asks again._

"_I suppose," she says hesitantly._

_He can tell she's tentative and it's killing him, he's been thinking about what it would feel like to kiss her for the past month and now that he knows why he feels like this he can hardly wait._

"_You don't have to if you don't want to, I just thought it'd be cool. I mean we could be like your dads except you're a girl. I mean, they're happy together, right?" he asks and she nods. "And I promise I won't leave like my deadbeat dad, he's an asshole, I swear I'll never be like him," he shakes his head furiously._

_She gasps. "Noah Puckerman, do not use profanity!" _

_He cracks a small smile. "I'm serious, Rach, this would make me happy and come on, you know you want to kiss the Puckerone."_

_She giggles, she'd be lying if she said she hasn't been thinking about Noah in a different way lately. She's noticed how handsome he's becoming, how his jaw line is becoming more defined as well as the muscles she's never seen before. He's getting much taller, he completely towers over her now and she swears just last week they were eye to eye._

"_I want to, Noah, I really do, but I . . ." she trails off, she doesn't want to admit it because it's slightly embarrassing. She's Rachel Berry, she's good at everything she does, only she's never done this before._

"_It's okay to be scared, I'm a little nervous too, you know?" he says and she smiles softly._

"_I don't know how to kiss," she mumbles. "What if I'm bad at it?"_

_He laughs because she's just so cute and he thinks her question is absolutely ridicously. She's mortified when he laughs at her, she's just about to yell at him when suddenly his lips are crashing down on hers._

_They're soft, wet, and warm as they move against hers. She has no idea what she's doing, but she's feeling butterflies in her stomach and she can't help but react to them._

_He groans as her tongue pushes forward into his mouth and he's delighted when he tastes-you guessed it-berries. He laughs at the irony, his breath tickling her lips. She pulls away first and wipes her mouth. She always though kissing was a little gross, it was slobbery and germy and the concept of someone else's mouth on hers disgusted her. With Noah it was different. She loved the feel of his lips, but she needed more, she needed to taste more. When she pushed against him she found her tongue slipping into his mouth and his into hers. She loved the cinnamon flavor she'd tasted from his favorite gum._

_They sat there panting, both of them staring into each other's eyes. He's tempted to tell her right then and there. Instead he says the first thing that pops into his head. "You want to go swimming?"_

_She smiles. "I'll do anything my boyfriend asks me to do."_

_He beams and she thinks it's a little scary, she's never seen him smile like that before. "So that's a yes then right?" he asks._

"_Of course!" she laughs._

"_Cool, I promise to be the best boyfriend ever!" he says as he stands up, scooping her into his arms bridal style. Usually they swim in their underwear if they don't plan ahead but he's too happy to stop. He plunges them into the lake, drenching them from head to toe._

"_Noah!" she splutters as she pushes he wet hair out of her face._

_He decides that it doesn't matter that he didn't tell her the truth today because they're bound to be together forever. He's Noah Puckerman and she's Rachel Berry, they're soul mates. It doesn't matter that he didn't tell her he loved her because he plans on showing her each and every single day._

She wakes up with a start, her body covered in sweat and her stomach churning. She has a burning sensation in her legs but she ignores it as she heads to the bathroom. She has no idea what time it is, but it's dark outside and her kids are sound asleep. She walks into the bathroom and as soon as she looks in the mirror, the memories come flooding back. She doubles over as she takes in the horror that is her face. A huge black circle surrounds her left eye and it's practically swollen shut. Her nose is bruised and her lip is split in the corner. There's a handprint clear, as day on her cheek and the gash on her forehead has dried blood caked to it.

Tears trickle down her cheeks as she takes in her appearance. She's disgusting and dirty and all she wants is a hot shower to wash everything away. She can feel his hands on her, pinning her arms above her head while her rapes her.

The thought makes her sick and she hunches over the toilet as she looses her dinner. She cleans herself up, rinsing out her mouth with cold water and starting the bath, turning it to the hottest setting. She climbs into the tub and hisses as it burns her skin. The pain in her legs is unbearable but she welcomes it anyway, she deserves it. Her dream reminded her of everything she used to have, of everything she'd lost. She hates herself for it because it's her entire fault. Noah Puckerman kept his promise, he was the best boyfriend in the world until the day of her Bat Mitzvah. The day Leroy touched her for the first time.

* * *

**Please review.**


	5. She's Coming

**Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN GLEE**

**Warning: ADULT CONTENT AND SENSITIVE MATERIAL. MATURE AUDIENCE ONLY**

* * *

She finishes her bath and heads into her dressing room. She stands in front of the full-length mirror completely naked, her towel pooled around her bare feet. Her skin is red and blotchy from the hot water and they're red lines etched into her skin from scrubbing back and forth with her bath sponge.

She lets her tears flow freely, every scar and every flaw is visible under the harsh light. She doesn't know why she's crying anymore, it's never solved anything before. It's not like she hasn't seen herself before either, she's well aware of how permanently scarred and damaged she is from the men in her life.

She thinks about her dream and how real it felt. She doesn't think about Noah much, she's been too busy struggling to keep it together enough to raise her kids. However, when she does think about him, she ends up depressed-more so than usual-for days and right now she can't afford to let anything get in her way. She only has a few days to get together as much money as possible and get out. Shelby is coming on Friday, which means that Thursday night-tomorrow-she'll be gone. She knows it has to be at night, he has a better chance of catching her in the daytime than at night.

She can't risk seeing her mother. The woman absolutely disgusts Rachel and seeing her will break the last bit of the beaten down barrier she has. She knows what will happen if that barrier breaks, how all her bad habits will return. She can't let Shelby take her back to that place, her kids are the only thing she has and one step back into the old Rachel's life and she'll loose them. She knows she got rid of the razor blade she hid and it does take away _some_ the temptation, but she knows herself. She craves the high the razor brings, it's a drug-an addiction-and an addict will always find a way to get a fix. There are plenty of other things she can use to cut, to release the anger. When she allows the blood to stream from her wrists, she let's all of the filth out as well. It's the only time she feels remotely clean, not pure, just clean.

When she cuts, all the bad stuff flows out from her body, through her blood, and down the drain. The cheerio's insults, Hiram's abandonment, Leroy's abuse, Jesse's abuse, Shelby's betrayal, and even Noah. It only takes one slice and they're all gone, then and only then she can breathe without feeling like the biggest piece of scum on the planet. The things she lets go are her dirty secrets, the ones nobody will ever know, but her.

She walks away from the mirror and pulls on a pair of stretchy shorts that won't touch her blistered legs and a long sleeve shirt, just seeing the scars that litter her arms tempt her to find release. She realizes it's a little after four in the morning, the sun just barely starting to rise. She has exactly three hours until Jesse and her children wake up, three hours to pack everything she owns-which isn't much to begin with-hide it, count the money she's been scavenging for two years, and find a way to get the hell away from Jesse.

She sneaks back into her bedroom, past a snoring and naked Jesse, and steals one of the large duffel bags he keeps in his closet for his traveling shows. She figures she can fit everything into the bag and the double stroller she'll need for her kids.

She takes the bag back into her dressing room and as quietly as she can she packs up all the sensible clothing-meaning long sleeve shirts, sweaters, and pants-she has, leaving a simple long sleeve cream colored dress out for today. She then packs all her make-up into a small cosmetic bag and sets it back inside the dresser for later use. She packs up her toiletries, setting the spare toothbrush in the holder in place of her real one, she knows he won't be able to tell the difference anyway.

After she finishes packing everything she possible can, she sneaks back into her kid's room. She goes through their closet and quickly places all of the clothing they haven't grown out of into the bag. She packs the unopened packs of diapers, wipes, and blankets and carries the bag to the attic.

The attic holds Rachel's most personal items, the ones she keeps hidden from Jesse. Inside her box of secrets, there's a baby book filled with pictures that chronicle the twin's life since the moment they were born and a signed poster of Barbra Streisand in the leopard print outfit from _Funny Girl_. She sets them into the bag and keeps digging until she comes to the album she hasn't seen in two years.

It's a photo album of her from infant to the age of twelve, the age she gave up on life. She doesn't know if she should bring this, but it's the only reminder she has that she wasn't born this way, a reminder that at one point in her life, she was pure and untouched.

Carefully she opens the album and holds in the tears as she looks at the smiles on her father's faces. It's the day they brought her home from the hospital. She was dressed in a little white onesie, decorated with gold stars. They both held her in the middle of them as they beamed up at the camera, happy to finally have their little girl in their arms. She scoffs and turns the page, if only she knew then what they would do to her in the future, how they would steal away her innocence and corrupt her childhood.

The next page shows a chubbier baby Rachel covered from head to toe in spaghetti, a bright smile on her face as she stuffs more into her mouth. She smiles, she sees her son in this picture, something very rare. Apart from their skin tone and brown hair, her son didn't inherit much else from her. The shape of his eyes, nose, and lips all came from his father. She tries not to think about that as she slides it out of the book. She places it in their baby book next to the picture of him covered in cake on his first birthday. She smiles, the identical smiles on their faces warming her heart.

The next picture is a toddler Rachel sitting at the piano, pressing the keys down one by one, followed by a four year old Rachel at her very first recital. The next page is the first picture with Noah. They're in Rabbi Greenburg's backyard, playing with his old Beagle. Rachel smiles as she remembers the old dog. Her and Noah would go to his house everyday and walk the old dog that howled at everything and twitched every time they scratched his belly. It was the old dog that'd found the lake behind the Puckerman house. They'd just been walking him as usual when he'd spotted a squirrel, dragging a five year old, Rachel, and an eight year old, Noah, behind him, he'd stopped just in time to keep the two from falling right in.

After that, the lake became their place. Even after Rabbi Greensburg's old dog died, they went everyday and swam. In the winter, Noah would bring his guitar and Rachel would sing and they'd dance until they collapsed with laughter. The lake was a special place, nothing bad had ever happened to her there. She missed the lake and she felt her heart twist with pain as she came across the next picture.

It was their one-month anniversary, they'd officially been boyfriend and girlfriend for thirty-one days. They were sitting on the stump looking out at the lake, watching the sun set in the sky when Debbie Puckerman had snuck up behind them. She always knew Noah would find himself a nice Jewish girl and even though he was only ten, she knew Rachel was the one for him. She'd waited until he wrapped his arms around her and placed a kiss on her head to snap the picture.

She cries as she takes it out of the album and holds it close to her heart. She knows she doesn't have time to think about this and that if Jesse catches her, she's a dead woman. She knows where she's going tomorrow night, there's only one place she could ever call home and it's with the only person she's ever loved.

She tucks the photo away and continues flipping through pictures of herself and Noah until she gets to one that makes her heart stop. It's a picture of her sitting on her porch swing in her pretty pink dress on her Bat Mitzvah. She remembers that day very clearly, it's the day she lost everything. The day Rachel Berry was killed.

_She wakes up early, her nerves getting the best of her as she dashes into her daddy's room, jumping on the bed. She knows he's been sad and a little grumpy lately, but it's only because he misses Hiram who's been away on business for the past six months._

"_Daddy, daddy, wake up!" she yells as she jumps on the bed, he grumbles angrily and rolls over, knocking her off. She lands with a loud thud and holds back the tears that spring to her eyes as she rubs her sore bottom. She stands back up and shakes him, more determined to wake him. "Daddy, you have to wake up, we have to go pick up Dad from the airport."_

_He rubs his eyes and snarls at her as he sits up. She's a little taken aback by his attitude, but he hasn't exactly been a happy camper these past few weeks. "Daddy, come on, he's waiting for us we have to-_

_He cuts her off with a groan. "Just shut up will you?" he mumbles as he stands up. "I don't see why you're so happy about this, you know he's only going to leave you again tonight when he flies back."_

_She gasps, he promised her he'll stay this time. "N-no, Daddy, he promised he'll stay at least a week," she says weakly, the tears she'd tried to hold back falling down her cheeks._

"_Is that what he told you?" he sneers. "You're Dad is nothing but a liar and the sooner you recognize that the better off you'll be," he says before he steps into the bathroom, slamming the door in her face._

_She takes off down the hall and buries herself under her pink blanket as she dials the numbers on the phone._

"_Hey babe," he says happily as he picks up, she loves that he's always happy when he answers her calls. _

"_He lied to me, Noah," she cries._

_He frowns. "What're you talking about, Rach?"_

"_Dad," she sniffles. "He promised he'd stay at least a week, but Daddy said he's flying back tonight."_

"_Oh babe, I'm sorry," he whispers as he rubs his hand over his freshly shaved head. It's his first year in high school and he thought he'd try something new to represent the new badass Puck, not the scrawny little boy who's father left him. The mohawk works and even though Rachel thinks it's ridiculous, he is instantly popular. All the ladies want him, but he turns them down with a giant smile on his face. There's only one girl he's interested and she just so happens to taste like berries, his absolute favorite flavor._

"_It's okay," she whimpers as she dries her tears. "You're coming over early, right? You promised you'd help set up. I need to see you, Noah, m-my family is falling apart."_

"_I'll be there, babe, Ma is even dragging Rebekah down to help out. I know how important this is for you and I'm going to make it as perfect as I can," he smiles. _

"_Thank you, Noah, I don't know what I'd do without you," she sighs._

"_You'll never know because I'm never leaving," he says and she smiles. "Alright, go put on that pretty dress, I'll be over in a bit. I love you," he says and she repeats it before they both hang up._

_She smiles and wipes her tears as she heads into her closet and pulls out her dress and her first pair of high heels. The dress is hot pink with rhinestones and ruffles and the shoes are silver and just high enough to give her a little bit of difficulty while walking. Mrs. Puckerman had told her that walking in heels was part of becoming a woman so together, they picked out the shiny silver shoes with Rachel promising to practice walking in them everyday. She's determined to master the art of walking in heels, she refuses to let sore feet get in her way._

_She slips the dress over her head and buckles her shoes. She dances over to the mirror and spins around, giggling. She feels like a princess and all that's missing is her prince. Almost as if on cue, Noah steps in and wraps his arms around her, planting a big kiss on her cheek. "You look beautiful, babe," he grins._

_She grins and turns to kiss him fully on the lips, a kiss that's very inappropriate for a twelve year old and a fifteen year old. In the corner, Mrs. Puckerman clears her throat loudly as the two jump apart, noticing Noah's little sister, Rebekah, peeking out from behind her mother's legs. She doesn't necessarily approve of how fast their relationship is progressing, but she can't exactly stop it either. Trying to keep them apart is like trying to breathe under water, it's impossible. She's already given her son the talk, he is fifteen after all and she's already found some of his ruined sheets in his closet, along with some of his missing socks. Next is Rachel. She'd have to speak to her fathers first, but she has a feeling they'll agree to it. Two gay men having a sex talk with a twelve-year-old girl isn't exactly an ideal situation for any of them and for Rachel's sake, she needs a woman to talk to about these things._

"_Okay, that's enough," she says as she shoves her son out of the room. "She needs her hair and make-up done and you have a party to set up for, so go."_

_He grumbles and pretends to put up a fight as he's pushed out the door, but he gives Rachel one last blinding smile and a wink before he leaves. She blushes and sits down at her vanity while Mrs. Puckerman helps her get ready._

_When she's finished she holds up a mirror and gasps, she's never seen herself this grown up before and it's a little scary._

"_You look like my Barbie dolls, Rachie," a gap-toothed, Rebekah smiles._

"_Thanks, 'Bekah, I feel like one too," she says as she twirls in her dress._

_Deborah walks over and places her hands on Rachel's shoulders, trying not to cry. The girl is so beautiful and so grown up that she's beside herself. She's watched Rachel grow up with her son and the girl is practically a second daughter and seeing her so grown up breaks her heart in the best way possible. _

"_You are stunning, Rachel. Absolutely breathtaking, you're practically glowing like the young woman you're about to become," Deborah cries._

_Rachel wants to correct her, in her mind she's already a woman. Her and Noah did something so magical last night, something only adults do. She remembers how nervous she was and how badly it hurt, but in the end she gave herself to the person she truly loves and only a woman can do that, not a girl. She smiles, "Thank you, Mrs. Puckerman, for everything."_

"_You deserve it, Rachel, every bit of it. Just remember when you're a star and everybody's screaming your name that you won't forget your Mama Puckerman, okay?" she asks, tears glistening in her green eyes._

"_I could never forget you, you're the only mother I have," Rachel says, her lips trembling._

"_No tears!" Debbie says quickly. "We don't have time to fix your make up, you have to go pick your father up from the airport and I have to go get your cake."_

_Rachel smiles, she's been waiting for this day for a long time. "Let's go!"_

Rachel cries as she remembers how much fun she had at the party. How everyone from temple was there and how delicious the cake was. She pulls out an envelope from the box containing the gifts she'd received at the party. Inside wis money, five hundred dollars to be exact, she'd forgotten all about it. She stuffs the money inside the side zipper of the duffel bag and keeps digging until she pricks her finger on something. It's a diamond encrusted, sterling silver, Star of David necklace her daddy had given to her. The last gift he ever gave her before he took the most precious one from her.

_She remembers falling asleep on Noah's shoulder as the party ended. She'd gotten tons of gifts from everyone and a beautiful pair of diamond earrings from Hiram that she now wears proudly. She'd filled up on buttercream cake, danced with Noah, and sang karaoke until she'd passed out from exhaustion._

"_Hey, babe," Noah says, shaking her lightly. "You're dad's coming over to say goodbye and Ma and I have to get Rebekah home, we'll come over tomorrow and help clean up, okay?" he whispers._

_She nods and kisses him lightly before she's placed in Hiram's arms. "I love you," she murmurs sleepily._

"_Love you too, it was nice seeing you again, Mr. Berry," he says to Hiram as he leaves._

_He nods and kisses his daughter's head. "I've missed you so much, Pumpkin," he says as he rocks her._

"_Why do you have to leave again?" she sniffles._

"_I know it's hard, Rachel, and I miss you guys like crazy when I'm away, but it's the way things have to be," he sighs._

_A stumbling Leroy makes his way over to them, Rachel noticed how many drinks he's had today, how many he has every night when Hiram's gone. She knows it's hard on him when Hiram is away, it's hard on her too, but unlike him, she can't drink away her problems._

"_I don't want you to go," she cries and Leroy snorts._

_Hiram sighs and looks up at Leroy, placing Rachel in his lap. "I'm sorry, Angel, I'll see you in three months," he says as he kisses her on the head._

_She wants to argue and beg him to stay, but she's too tired to even move, she whispers a small goodbye and leans her head on her daddy's chest as he carriers her up to her bedroom._

_He sits down on the bed with her in-between his legs, holding her around the middle as he starts to unzip her dress. Even though she's half asleep, she feels uncomfortable with him undressing her, so she squirms against him until he let's go and she's standing in front of him, her dress half-zipped._

"_It's okay, I can do it, Daddy," she whispers._

"_I don't mind, baby girl, it's the least I can do for my only daughter," he grins._

_She shifts awkwardly. "Yes, but I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself, and it's rather inappropriate now that I'm a woman," she states._

_He laughs. "So you are."_

_She nods. "So, if you don't mind," she says pointing towards her door._

_He nods and stands up, walking towards the door. She plops down on her bed, her dress fanning out around her. She slips off her shoes and is just about to take off her dress when she realizes he hasn't left the room yet. _

"_Daddy!" she admonishes._

"_I'm sorry, baby girl, you're just so beautiful, I couldn't help myself," he says as he crosses his arms and leans against the doorway._

"_Thank you, but I'm very tired and would like to get some sleep now," she says, frustration evident in her tone._

"_Okay, fair enough," he shrugs. "I just wanted to give you this, that's all," he says, pulling a little black box out of his pocket. He hands it to her and watches in pure-sick-delight as she bounces up and down in excitement, her sprouting breasts bouncing with her._

"_Oh Daddy, you shouldn't have!" she gushes as she takes the box from him. He watches her carefully as she opens the box and squeals. "It's perfect, thank you!"_

_He smiles. "Here, let me put it on for you, Sweetheart," he says as she spins around and holds her hair up. He fastens the clasp and lays it gently over her smooth neck. He hands her the mirror on her nightstand and watches as she stares in awe at her new gift. "Do you like it, princess?" he asks, as he massages her shoulders lightly._

"_It's amazing, Daddy, thank you so much," she says as she smiles._

_She notices how hard he's breathing, she can practically feel it on the back of her neck, along with his hand that is trailing her zipper lower and lower._

"_Daddy, stop," she says firmly as she spins around and plants her hands on her hips. She doesn't like what he's doing, nor does she like the glazed look in his eyes._

_He smirks. "I'm sorry, Rachel, you're just so beautiful and so grown up, I just have to make sure you're still my little girl," he says reaching his arm out towards her._

_She takes a step back, bumping into her bed. "Daddy, that's ridiculous, of course I'm still the same girl. It's just a ceremony, a right of passage that makes me a woman in God's eyes. I don't know why you're acting this way, maybe you shouldn't have had so much to drink, I think it's messing with your head."_

_She watches as his eyes darken and he steps towards her, towering over her tiny frame. In one swift moment, he reaches out and wraps his hand around her upper arm, forcing her to turn around. She cries out as his fingers squeeze her arm painfully._

"_Daddy, stop, you're hurting me!" she whimpers._

_He pulls her against him and drags her over to the door where he slams it shut. She yells and begins to shake in fear, she's never seen this look in her daddy's eyes and it's terrifying._

"_You think because you're a woman now, you can tell me what the fuck to do?" He shouts and she recoils. She's never heard him raise his voice, let alone swear at her. "Well if that's the case, then you're woman enough to please your daddy," he says as he forcefully pulls at her zipper._

_She tries to twist out of his grasp, and when she turns, the zipper gets caught on her skin. She cries as he pulls at it, tearing her delicate flesh. "Daddy, please, I'm sorry."_

"_Now you're sorry? Were you sorry when you told your dad to take the job that was over three thousand miles away?" he yells. "Or how about when you brought your little boyfriend in here last night and fucked him like a dirty little slut?"_

_She gasps in horror, she did no such thing. Her and Noah had made love last night, she had no idea her daddy was even home, the last time she'd seen him was when he left for the bar at his usual time._

"_Bet he made you feel real good, didn't he, princess? I heard it all," he leers as he rubs his hands over her butt, kissing her on the neck._

_She winces and tries to pull away, but his iron grip is too strong. She's disgusted that her daddy listened to her intimate moment with Noah and when she feels his lips on her skin, she wants to vomit._

"_What's wrong, Rachel? You let the punk kid with the mohawk touch you, but not your daddy? I'm a real mad, Rachel, and now that you're a woman, I think it's time you learned what one feels like," he snarls._

_She's crying so hard she can barely see through her tears. She starts kicking at him, anything to get him off of her, but her efforts are fruitless. He pins her down on her bed, face first and sits on top of her rear end. She feels like she's being crushed, she can barely breathe under his weight._

"_You're going thank me for this one day," he scorns as he grinds against her and that's when she feels it._

_She wants to scream, but her face is pressed into her mattress and she has to preserve her air supply so she doesn't suffocate. She's never felt more disgusting than right now with her daddy on top of her, his erection rubbing against her. She feels dirty, like it's her fault he's doing this, she should have seen it coming really, when he wasn't mean, he was nice, a little too nice. Always touching her and stroking her hair, she thought he was only being more affectionate with her because he missed Hiram, it made perfect sense at the time. She knows now that she's wrong and the thought of what he could do to her-what he said he'd do to her-revolts her. _

"_Daddy," she whispers quietly, her body is starting to get tired of fighting, her muscles sore form straining._

"_Just relax and enjoy it, Rachel, this is all you'll ever be good for," he says as he tears her dress from her body._

_She watches as the pink material is tossed aside, her gorgeous pink dress, the dress she'd felt so beautiful in was now ruined and thrown away like yesterday's trash. New tears pour down her face and onto her mattress as she hears him undo his pants. She feels him spreading her legs and she fights as hard as she can, but in the end she's laid out completely naked and spread open in front of her daddy._

_She wishes she that she will pass out, that she can wake up the next morning and this will all be some horrible dream. Her stomach is churning and she can feel the delicious buttercream cake fighting its way back up her throat. She digs her nails into her pillow when she feels him press against her and she screams. Her mattress silences her voice. There's no use in fighting anymore and when he pushes-forces-himself inside her, she gives up._

_She lies there and cries, silent tears as Leroy rapes her. How a man can do this do someone is beyond her. She was wrong before, she's not a woman. Having sex doesn't make you a woman. A life-changing event is what transforms a little girl into a woman. A life-changing event like losing your father, your sense of humanity, dignity, innocence, and security kills a harmless little girl and turns her into a woman. A woman who lives her life in fear, afraid of the slightest of noises, sleeping in beds, and men. A woman who believes that all she'll ever be good for is sex and that everyone will leave her because she's nothing but trash, just like her pink dress._

_She doesn't move when he finally pulls out and she holds her breath as he releases himself on her back. She doesn't even shed a tear when she feels the bed dip as he staggers out of the room, knocking over her hand mirror, sending it crashing to the floor. She can't cry anyway, she has no more tears left._

_She lies there, completely numb until she hears her door click shut. Only then does she force her shaking body out of bed and into the bathroom. Dried blood coats her thighs and a throbbing takes over her neither regions. A throbbing much worse than the one she'd woken up with this morning. There's a perfectly shaped handprint bruise on her arm and marks on her neck from his kisses. Her eyes are red and swollen and her perfectly done make-up is smeared everywhere. Her hair is mess, all of her perfect ringlets ruined. She feels ugly, like an ugly little slut. She turns on the bath water and steps into the scorching water. Her body is screaming at her to get out, but her mind tells her to stay, to scrub off the filth Leroy left on her._

_She sits in the tub and scrubs until she can't move her arms any longer. She puts on Noah's old flannel pajamas that hang off her small frame and walks back into the room. There's broken glass all over the floor and instead of heading to the kitchen for a broom and chancing a run in with her father, she scoops it up into her bare hands and throws it into the trash._

_The glass cuts through her palms, but she doesn't care, if anything it's making her feel better, the pain is distracting her from the little girl slowly dying away inside her. She pushes the trashcan aside and stares at her bed, her rumpled sheets, and her blood and tear soaked mattress. Just looking at the bed brings back the nausea and she barely makes it to the bathroom before she's violently heaving into the toilet._

_When she's done, she's left lightheaded and dizzy. She wants Noah. She needs him there, to hold her and to tell her that everything's going to be okay. She won't tell him about this, she knows if she does he won't want her anymore. If he finds out that she's been with someone else, that she let someone else touch her, he'll leave. He's the only good thing she has and she can't loose him. She'll have to stay strong, that's part of being a woman, the ability to remain strong, to protect the ones you love from getting hurt. _

_She curls up into a ball in the back of her closet with her blanket. Her pillow is soaked with tears and she doesn't want it anyway near her anyway, not if he's touched it. She closes her eyes, but all she can see is Leroy's glazed eyes and all she can hear is his booming voice. Her eyes fly open, her life will never be the same again. She'll never be able to let Noah touch her without thinking of Leroy, unknowingly, he's ruined everything she's ever done and everything she'll ever do. She'll never be able to have a relationship, even a friendship, and not think of him. He's taken everything from her and she doesn't even know why. She gets up and closes her closet door, locking it tight before curling into a tiny ball in the dark secluded area. She feels safer here, away from the mess and filth that's become her bed. The same bed her and Noah shared everything on, the bed she'd slept in every night. Her home and everything she's ever known is gone. _

She blinks back tears as she shreds the picture into pieces. She doesn't want to remember that day. She takes the necklace and stuffs it into the bag along with the earrings she still wears in her ears, she figures she can pawn them when she gets out and put the money away for her kids.

The rest of the pictures all show the same thing, a lifeless and dull Rachel. There's no more Noah in any of them, just her smiling at the camera though it's evident it was killing her to even manage that. There's pictures of her in the glee club as well, everyone smiling and hugging except her. She stands off to the side, hiding behind Artie Abrams, the wheel chair bound boy in attempt to keep her distance from everyone.

She can't handle it anymore, she can't handle seeing how broken she was-how broken she still is. It's too much for her, knowing that if Leroy hadn't touched her, her life would be completely different.

She puts the book back in the box and climbs back down the stairs. She decides on leaving the bag up there for safekeeping, the last thing she needs is for Jesse to find it. Next, she has to pack the large double stroller. She fills the bottom of it with baby food, cans of soup, and non-perishables, anything she can get ahold of. She folds up their portable playpen and places it on top of the food and covers it with their toys and diaper bag. She grabs as many stuffed animals as she can fit in the seat while still leaving room for them both to sit.

She wheels the stroller into the back of the closet where Jesse won't see it. She takes a deep breath, she can't believe she's finally getting out. She checks the time, it's nearing six thirty, Jesse will be up in a half and hour and the kids will follow. She starts breakfast, making sure to start the bacon early so the pan will be cool by the time he's ready to eat. She wakes her kids up early, since they're traveling at night they need to sleep as much as possible during the day and she knows how cranky they get when she wakes them.

She carries them down and sets them in their highchairs. She places their food down in their trays and suppresses a laugh as they both stare at her in pure annoyance. If it's one thing she's learned over the years, it's that they do not like being woken up. They sit and rub at their tired green eyes as they whine.

She slicks down her son's stubborn hair and smiles as he gives her a sleepy smile. "I'm sorry, I know you hate it when momma wakes you, but we have something important to do tonight and I know you're too little to understand, but I promise it's going to be worth it," she whispers.

She plants a kiss on her little girl's cheek and feeds her little bits of sausage as Jesse walks in. He stares at her curiously as he chews his breakfast. "Good morning, Jesse," she says quietly.

He grumbles a response as he flips through the paper. He finishes up his breakfast and takes his plate to the sink. "Not that you have any friends or anyone to hang out with, but don't make any plans for tonight. Shelby's coming today instead of tomorrow night so make sure dinner is ready by seven sharp."

She drops her glass and it lands with a loud shatter. She sits there opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. This can't be happening, Shelby can't come tonight. Tonight is the night she escapes. The night she finally sets herself free from the abuse. The night she gives her kids the life they deserve.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he asks as she sits there, staring into space. "You should be happy she's coming to visit you, she's the only one who actually gives a shit about your pathetic little life."

She closes her eyes and fights the tears, why now? Why when she'd finally worked up enough courage to leave is he dragging her back down? She feels like it's a sign, a sign that she'll never get out. She shakes her head, she won't let him win. She's given her entire life up because of him, but she's done. She's done living this lifestyle.

She decides she'll leave as soon as Jesse's goon, but soon scratches the idea. There are too many people around who know who she is. Jesse knows people and if those people see her, she's screwed.

She's got to leave tonight as planned. She'll have to stay strong throughout, her acting skills will be put to the ultimate test. She's got something to work for though: freedom.

* * *

**Author's note: Rachel's Bat Mitzvah dress is available on my profile.**

**Please review.**


	6. Memories

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: sensitive material, mature audience only**

* * *

She sits in her chair, staring ahead at the wall. She doesn't even move when he breezes past her and presses the button on the elevator, or when the door opens and closes signaling that he's left for the day. She doesn't know what to feel, she should be used to feeling like this, empty and defeated, but she's not and the emotional pain hurts even more than the physical.

It's only when her children start to whine does she finally stand and take her dishes to the sink. Her legs have only just began to heel and combined with the brutal beating she received between her thighs last night, she's walking with an ugly limp. She sighs as she washes the dishes, this will only slow her down when she's escaping tonight. She plans on walking the six miles across the city to the bus station. Taking a cab would be too expensive and she plans on leaving around midnight, calling a cab to the apartment is just too risky.

She takes her grumpy children out of their high chairs and sets them in the living room to play, she can see that they're tired, but she can't let them sleep any longer. They've got to sleep as soundly as possible tonight when they travel, she can't risk them having any fits when she wakes them in the middle of the night, especially from her daughter who had inherited her mother's lung capacity.

She plans out the dinner she'll make for Shelby. _Shelby_. Just saying her name leaves a bad taste in Rachel's mouth. Words do not express her feelings towards the woman, the woman who calls herself a mother.

She remembers the first time she'd met the older version of herself. She remembers the moment clearly because it was when she was at her lowest. Her father was coming into her room nearly every night and she wasn't sleeping, she couldn't. She was living in fear, waiting for the day that her father got tired of her and finally finished her off. That is if she didn't do it herself. Her cutting problem had spiraled into a full-blown addiction. What started as a way to escape turned into something she couldn't go more than an hour without. Her body was covered in slices, she'd run out of room on her arm a long time ago and had to resort to other places, mainly her upper thighs.

She remembers how jumpy she was, especially around her newfound friend, Jesse. She'd had to break things off with Noah, his suspicion was growing everyday and she absolutely hated seeing the hurt in his eyes when she would flinch away from him. She remembers how she'd space out during a conversation with Jesse over the Tony awards, how she'd think about Leroy and the awful night she'd have to endure. She knew it wasn't long before he caught on too. She knew she wasn't right, that she was sick for hurting herself the way she did, but he wouldn't understand. No one did.

She didn't love him, not the way she loved-loves-Noah. He just listened to her and that was all she needed. Ever since that day at the music store they'd been getting closer. She wasn't going to start a relationship with him though, just the thought of being with someone else who wasn't her Noah, sickened her.

However, she knew his patience was wearing thin and that he'd been hinting at them becoming something more than friends for a while now. They'd even shared a few kisses, but it just didn't feel right. Not when her heart belonged to another boy and especially not when her daddy was sneaking into her room and touching her, reminding her that she was only good for one thing. She was so damaged and that's why she'd broken up with Noah. She loved him so much she had to set him free. He was popular and she was not, she was only dragging him down. He knew something was going on and she couldn't lie to him anymore. She couldn't keep making up excuses for the way she flinched away from him or why he couldn't touch her anymore and when he'd found a few of her old scars, she knew it was time to let him go. She didn't want him hurting the way she was. She never thought she'd have to give him up, the one person she'd hadn't been without since she was seven, but it was just another thing her daddy had taken from her.

_She's supposed to be meeting Jesse after school at Carmel. She's never been there before and she's beyond excited to see where someone as talented as him attends school. She is leaning against the door, sighing when she realized she's over a half and over early. She decides to go in and watch, she might as well take notes, maybe if she watches, she'll absorb some of the amazing raw talent in the room. She'll do anything to get closer to the Broadway stage, the dream that was slowly dwindling down day by day. She wants it to happen, singing is her passion, but she is finding it harder and harder to be in a large crowd and the thought of being on a stage in front of millions, terrifies her. She can barely make it through the hallways at school without having a panic attack. There are just too many people around her and it makes her nervous, people make her nervous. She's learned the hard way how evil they can be and being around a large amount of them terrifies her._

_She sits down in the back of the auditorium and fixates her eyes on the stage. They're all standing there, dressed in bright red Lady Gaga costumes and for a moment, Rachel is furious she's never thought of that before she quit. She watches, mesmerized, as they dance around the stage, paying homage to the mother monster. She's completely enthralled, their vocals are perfect and their dance moves are perfectly in sync. It makes her miss her old glee club, but then she remembers the way she was treated and the way Mr. Schue had scared her. Whether it was unintentional or not, she can't risk it happening again. Glee club is just another thing to add to the list of things her daddy had taken from her. _

_Their performance is cut short when a woman stands up and marches her way up to the stage. Rachel thought they were doing brilliantly, but their emotional connection was lacking and apparently this woman who she assumed was their director, agreed. She remembers how she had to convince her own club that theatricality was extremely important and how they had to work on it for Nationals. Of course they only berated her and accused her of being selfish and bossy. She was only trying to help, she honestly thought she was being a team-player, but the ever so kind, Santana Lopez had made a remark about how ugly she was and how no matter how hard she'd tried, no one would ever like her and she realized she was wrong._

_She turns her attention back to the woman who's rambling about theatricality and their lack of it. Rachel smiles, if she were the woman, she'd sing Funny Girl and show them exactly what she's talking about. Rachel begins humming the intro quietly and when she actually hears the band join in, she's completely shocked. She discreetly moves up a few rows to get a closer look at the mysterious woman who she's beginning to admire more and more. From what she has seen, the woman is brilliant. Her ability to choreograph and arrange is outstanding, her musical knowledge exceeding anyone Rachel's ever met. She's also strong and demanding, Rachel's amazed by the way her students fear her and how none of them dare to look away from her. She's insanely jealous of the woman in front of her and although she can only see the back of her, she can tell she's beautiful. She's tall and slim, with long brown hair very similar to her own. She imagines that if she had a mother, she would be somewhat like this woman._

_The woman begins singing and Rachel's jaw practically hits the floor. Never in her fourteen years has she heard something so beautiful, not even Barbra. She continues moving forward until she's in the very front row, staring shamelessly at the woman's behind. She literally cannot tear herself away, it's almost as if there's a pull, guiding her towards the older woman. There's something familiar about the woman's voice, like she's heard it before. She closes her eyes, she's definitely heard it before._

_Unexpectedly, the woman turns around just as Rachel opens her eyes again. The woman seems shocked and literally takes a step back. Her voice only falters slightly, but she keeps on singing, staring at Rachel. Rachel pales, it's almost as if she's looking into a mirror. Some kind of strange mirror that's fast-forwarded her reflection twenty years and she has to say, she likes what she sees. Only she knows it's not her she's looking at. The reflection in the mirror holds a confident smile, a real one, and her eyes sparkle the way Rachel's used to. She knows it's not her in the mirror because this woman is much too beautiful to be her and even though she shouldn't, she steps up onto the stage until they're face to face._

_Shelby's absolutely speechless when she sees a younger version of herself staring back at her. She has a quick blast from the past, but she shakes her head and continues singing, there's no way it's her, it can't be. She throws herself into the song, but doesn't take her eyes away from the girl. She's tiny, very tiny and doesn't look to be much older than fifteen. She has huge brown doe eyes the color of melted chocolate and Shelby fluxes a little at the pain she sees in them. Her hair hangs in soft curls around her shoulders, just like her own and her eyelashes fan out as they blink back tears._

_She knows she can't deny it any longer and when the girl steps onto the stage she stops signing altogether, the only sound in the room coming from the auditorium is the hushed whispers of her students. She barks a dismissal, telling them to be ready by nine in the morning for an early practice. She doesn't tear her eyes away from the girl, not even when her choir begins moaning and groaning as they drag themselves away complaining about their red leather costumes that Rachel adores._

_Shelby already knows who the girl is and when she finally speaks, introducing herself as 'Rachel Berry', she doesn't respond. She doesn't say a word, choosing to have a seat in the front row of the auditorium. She doesn't know what to say, she doesn't know what's expected of her now. So she sits and waits for Rachel._

_Rachel watches as the woman she now knows is her mother, sits in the third row and doesn't say a word. At first Rachel's a little upset, her entire life she's been imagining the way she meets her mother and this scenario had never crossed her mind. In her imagination, they were always happy and hugging, happy to finally be reunited after fifteen long years, but Shelby seemed anything but. She sighs as she sits in the first row, smiling timidly at her mother. She doesn't know what's she's thinking, whether she wants to talk to her or not. To Rachel, this is a way out, an opportunity to escape Leroy's cruelty and start over with a parent who truly loves her. She's about to beg Shelby to take her in, to free her from her daddy when the woman speaks to her for the first time._

"_Look, Rachel, I don't know what you want from me. I signed a contract before you were born that forbid any type of contact with you until you were eighteen and I have to be honest, I wasn't really expecting to ever meet you, not even then," she says, taking a deep breath._

_Rachel's a little upset by her mother's tone, it's not happy and joyful like a mother's should be, especially a mother who's meeting her daughter for the first time. She's about to ask her why when she's interrupted yet again._

"_I never really planned on being a mother and this is a little much for even me to handle, do your fathers know you're here?" she asks and Rachel shakes her head sadly. Shelby sighs, "I know this isn't what you're expecting, but I really can't do this. I'm sorry," she says before she gets up and walks away._

_She sits there, tears burning at her eyes. She's only spent five minutes with her mother and already she wanted nothing to do with her. Maybe Santana was right, she'll never be liked by anyone. She knows being loved is out of the question, but shouldn't her mother at least like her? She is a part of her after all. She lets the tears fall as heavy sobs escape her throat. _

_She knows that Shelby saw it, the fear she can't shake from her eyes or the fake smile she wears on her face. She knows she saw straight through it and wanted nothing to do with the broken girl. She knew Shelby was disgusted by her just like everyone else was. She wants to beg her to come back and to let her explain that it's not her fault. It's not her fault she's so completely shattered and that she'd do anything to change it. To have someone build her back up, to bring back the little girl who'd died inside her, someone like her mother. It's bad enough she's lost her Noah, but now she's lost the mother she never even had._

_Shelby watches as her little girl breaks down. It literally breaks her heart to have to walk away from her own flesh and blood, but she'd made an agreement with the Berry men and a promise to herself. She knew when she gave her little girl up, she was doing the right thing. She'd never be able to give her daughter the life she wanted and giving her to the two loving men she'd trusted, forced her to make the ultimate sacrifice. She'd wanted nothing more than to hold her daughter after she was born, to cuddle her soft skin and run her fingers through her thick hair, but she couldn't. She wasn't strong enough. Shelby Corcoran had only one weakness and that was not being able to hold her little girl. Every time she's passed a little girl with brown hair she fall apart, it was the hardest thing she'd ever done until now. Watching her little girl run out of the auditorium, sobbing, because her mother didn't want her. But she did, she wanted Rachel more than she'd ever wanted anything and telling her that they couldn't start a relationship nearly killed the young mother. It was like she was watching the doctors take away her baby all over again._

She remembers how she'd run from the auditorium back to her house in Lima. She hadn't even bothered to call Jesse and ask for a ride. She remembers sobbing into her pillow for hours until she couldn't cry anymore. She didn't even have the energy to cut, let alone move. She fell asleep on top of her bare mattress, but was soon woken up by her father climbing on top of her.

She remembers screaming and cursing herself for falling asleep in the bed. She remembers the way he clamped his hand around her mouth with one hand while the other dragged her panties down her legs and she remembers how she called Shelby's name that time, begging her mother to come and save her.

* * *

Shelby sits in her Brooklyn apartment watching her daughter run around the living room, playing with her toys.

"Beth, please be careful," she instructs as she watches the little girl's blonde head come dangerously close to the coffee table. She sighs, motherhood is everything she expected it to be and more, and while she regrets not being able to have raised her own daughter, she doesn't regret adopting Beth.

Just thinking about Rachel makes her nervous. The last time she'd seen her daughter hadn't been on good terms. She was determined now to change that, she realizes she was wrong to treat Rachel the way she did. Adopting Beth has taught her more about life than she'd ever care to know, especially when it came to family and Rachel was family.

She'd asked Jesse to come to dinner because she'd finally worked up enough courage to ask her daughter for forgiveness. It was easier said than done, considering what Shelby had done to the poor girl, but she wasn't entirely at fault either. When she'd first accepted Rachel into her life, the girl had a lot of emotional issues. Many of them Shelby couldn't understand. They'd tried therapy, but Rachel refused to open up. Even when Shelby would catch her daughter sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dragging a razor blade across her skin, she still refused to acknowledge her problems.

She was running out of options and she knew it was only a matter of time before something seriously went wrong and not five months after Rachel's sixteenth birthday, it did.

_After seeing her daughter for the second time in her entire life, Shelby Corcoran sat in her car and cried. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't leave her like that, she deserved an explanation, she deserves to know that she's wanted. She starts her car and heads towards Lima, she couldn't forget the way to the Berry house even if she wanted to._

_She parks her car in the driveway and rings the doorbell twice. She stands there for fifteen minutes waiting for someone to answer, she knows they're home. The lights are on and one of Rachel's father's cars is parked next to her own. It's only when she hears her name screamed from the inside that she starts to panic. _

"_Rachel?" she yells, pounding on the door. The only answer she receives is Rachel hysterically screaming her name again. She twists the doorknob and yells in frustration when it doesn't budge. She jams her hands through her hair and makes her way back down to her beloved black Range Rover. She digs around inside for her phone, cursing herself for not cleaning her car out earlier. She digs through the back seat and finds old graded tests and previously used sheet music before she finally grabs hold of her silver cell phone. She flips it open quickly, preparing to dial a number when she realizes she has no one to call. She doesn't have Rachel's number and she's deleted both Hiram and Leroy's a long time ago, it was much too painful to see their names after they whisked away her baby girl without giving her so much as a second glance._

_She looks back towards the house and notices that one of the upstairs lights has been shut off. Her finger hovers over the nine, prepared to call 911. She doesn't know what she'll say because she has no right to be here and she's not entirely sure what's going on. She sighs and climbs in the car, she decides to wait ten more minutes before she rings the bell again and if there is no answer, she's calling the cops._

_She closes the door and sits in the driver's seat, staring at the radio clock on her dashboard. She's held it together tremendously for the past couple of years. Sure she thinks about her daughter everyday, but what mother doesn't? She thinks about what it would have been like to hold her and to sing to her. She thinks about how she would have raised her daughter and what sorts of things she might like when it hits her. She's sitting in the driveway of the daughter she knows nothing about, the daughter she'd signed a contract agreeing not to see. She has no idea what Rachel was thinking, maybe the girl was crying because Shelby wasn't good enough. She shakes and clears the thought, but the ache it put in her heart is still there. Could it be possible that Rachel didn't want anything to do with Shelby and was crying because her mother was such a huge disappointment? Shelby Corcoran had worked hard to get to where she was. She was a teacher-a good one-and the coach of a five time National championship winning glee club. No, it wasn't her dream, but it was something she'd worked hard for. Rachel was probably expecting some big Broadway star and was dissatisfied to see a washed up, wannabe in her place. It broke Shelby's heart to think that she wasn't good enough for her own daughter. The daughter she loves more than anything in the entire world._

_She's just about to give up and drive back home when the front door flies open. Her eyes fly to the clock and she realizes it's been over forty minutes since she's rung the doorbell. She gets out of the car and jogs up to the porch, placing her hand on the open door._

"_Hello?" she calls out. "Rachel?" She gets no answer._

_Tentatively, she takes a step forward and is immediately pushed back out by none other than Leroy Berry. She blinks her eyes a few times to make sure it's really him. He's still the same height, a good six feet tall, making the rest of them look like shrimps-even if both Hiram and Rachel were each five feet tall respectively._

_He stares at her, a menacingly cold stare that sends shivers down her spine. She realizes that this man is not the same Leroy she met over fifteen years ago. The Leroy she knew always smiled, his eyes bright and shiny. This man's eyes are dark like nothing she's ever seen before. He's swaying on his feet and she can smell the alcohol on his breath. Her lip raises in disgust and she's just about chastise him for being drunk in front of their teenage daughter when she notices his pants are completely undone, his belt hanging loose in front of his crotch._

_He leers at her as he shoves her out of the way, mumbling to himself. "If you want the little bitch, take her. Hiram and I don't have any use for her anyway, she's nothing but a dirty little slut. It'll be a miracle if she doesn't get pregnant before she's sixteen," he spits before he walks away. She watches in amazement as he climbs into his car, leaving her standing on his front porch with the door wide open. He backs all the way out and she winces as he nearly scraps the side of her car._

_She stands there with her mouth wide open as he takes off down the street, tires screeching as he turns the corner and is out of sight. She clutches her phone tightly and steps into the house. She scans the downstairs noticing how clean and pristine everything is. She spots Rachel's pink backpack on the floor next to a pair of brown penny loafers. _

"_Rachel?" she calls quietly, she knows the girl is home, she'd heard her screaming her name._

_Carefully, she climbs the steps and scans the hallway of the upstairs until she comes across a white door with a giant gold star painted on the front. She can't help but smile because gold stars have always been her thing, she even had a tattoo of one on her the back of her left shoulder that nobody had ever seen or known about._

_She steps inside the room, expecting to see a bright pink girly room when she's met with complete chaos. The numerous posters of Broadway stars and playbills that were taped across the room were all ripped in half and hung sadly from the wall. Her radio had been destroyed, lying across the room in pieces. The worst was her bed or rather her mattress. Her canopy bed had been completely ripped apart, but there were no sheets, blankets or pillows around. Only the material that hung from the posts above lie scattered on the floor. She scrunches her eyes as she looks at the stained mattress in front of her. As soon as she steps closer to it, she can smell it. It positively reeks of bodily fluid and blood and she has to hold her hand over her mouth to keep from vomiting, images of Leroy's undone pants flashing through her mind. The way he called Rachel a slut and practically ran from the house. She prays what she's thinking isn't true, but the evidence is right in front of her. _

_She lets out a heavy breath and continues around the room, freezing when she hears a tiny whimper coming from the closet. Carefully she places her hand on the knob and twists it until it pops open. There in the farthest corner is her daughter. She's crying and shaking so hard that Shelby thinks she's having a seizure as she clutches a blanket against her chest like it's her last lifeline._

"_Rachel, it's okay, sweetheart," she whispers but the girl only cries harder, wrapping her blanket around her._

"_G-go away," she sobs. "You don't want me, no one does."_

_Shelby gasps at her child's broken voice, her heart breaking. "No, baby girl, that's not true at all. That's why I'm here, I want you so much, Rachel. I need you," she whispers._

_Rachel cries as she throws herself into her mother's arms. She doesn't know why she's here, but she's not going to question it. She needs her now more than ever, Leroy's attacks are getting worse and worse and she knows it's only a matter of time before he kills her._

"_T-take m-me out of here please," she begs, her voice raw. "I don't want to live here anymore." Shelby combs her hands through her daughter's hair. This isn't how she pictured holding her daughter for the first time._

_Rachel sobs into her mother's chest, drinking in the warmth that radiates from her body, warmth that can only come from a mother. She's tries to explain her story, to tell her mother everything that's happened, but it all comes out jumbled and caught in-between her sobs. Shelby notices that her daughter is trying to talk, but her sobs have completely taken over and she can't understand a single word Rachel's saying. She pulls the girl closer and wraps her in the blanket, realizing just how small her baby girl is._

_She kisses the top of her brown head and scoops her up, carrying her from the house. Rachel clings to her mother tightly, her sobs suppressing as she's carried away from her house. She's placed into the front seat of a car she recognizes as Shelby's and immediately she relaxes. She takes a deep breath, her lungs burning from her tears and she's overwhelmed by the vanilla scent she's learned belongs to her mother. She takes deeper breaths, trying to inhale as much of the sweet scent as she can._

_She feels the warm arms that have been securely wrapped around her begin to loosen and she whimpers at the thought of her mother letting her go, especially now. Shelby immediately responds and hugs her daughter close. Dark brown eyes meet cinnamon colored as the mother and daughter hold each other, making a silent promise to never let go._

"_I know this is new and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I promise I'll never let you go back there," Shelby whispers into her daughter's hair._

"_Thank you," Rachel says, hugging her tighter._

"_I'm going to let you go so we can leave this place," Shelby says quietly._

_Rachel nods and watches as Shelby closes her door and walks around to the driver's side, smiling softly as she slips into the driver's seat reaching over to grab her hand. She watches as a tear slips down Shelby's cheek and she knows it's her fault for making her mother sad._

_She feels her mother's hand gently squeeze hers as their fingers lock together as the burst of warmth that spreads throughout her body is overwhelming and she starts to cry again. Shelby gives her daughter a sad smile and another reassuring hand squeeze as she starts the car and heads back towards Carmel._

_Their car ride is silent except for Rachel's occasional sniffles and Shelby's worried glances. She pulls into the driveway and shuts off the car, nervously chewing her lip. She turns towards her daughter whose red-rimmed eyes are swollen and filled to the brim with tears._

_She takes a deep breath. "Rachel I don't know how to make this better, but I promise that I will. I'm going to fight for you whether you want me to or not because what your fathers have done is unacceptable. I want you to know that you're never going back to that house again, if you need anything from there I'll get it for you, do you understand?" she asks as Rachel nods slowly, tears slipping down her cheeks._

_Shelby reaches over and wipes away the tears, cupping her daughter's face in her hands. "I'm going to call the police and have him arrested, but I can't do that without your help. I know this is hard for you, but I need you to strong for me."_

_Rachel sniffles and looks into her mother's eyes. "I called for you," she whimpers. "I begged you to come and save me."_

"_I know you did baby girl, and I heard you. I'm here and I promise that no one will ever hurt you again, but you have to stay strong for me," Shelby says, pulling her daughter into her arms._

"_What are you doing?" Rachel asks as Shelby unbuckles her seat belt and climbs out of her car. _

"_I'm going inside to call the police and to get you something clean to wear," she says as she takes in Rachel's ripped blood stained pajamas. "Then we're going to go to the hospital and make sure you're okay and that you're father is arrested for what he's done to you."_

_Rachel panics, she can't go to the hospital. If anyone finds out, he'll kill her and Shelby too and it would be all her fault. She's caused enough damage in her short lifetime, she's not going to risk Shelby's life too. "No," she says firmly, stopping her mother dead in her tracks. "Take me back. You're wrong about everything, my fathers didn't do anything to me, they love me, it's you who doesn't want me."_

_Shelby sighs, she should have known it wouldn't be as simple as this. Her daughter was abused in her own home by people who were meant to love her and care for her, she realizes that Rachel has no sense of security and is terrified of her fathers coming after her. She watches as her daughter falls apart again, sobbing into her tiny hands._

"_You're not okay, Rachel," Shelby says quietly. "I don't what they've done to you or how they hurt you, but I know that they did. I can see it and smell it. I know that Leroy touched you and he's going to pay for that, but you have to trust me. I'm going to fix you, baby girl, we're going to get you better, but you have to cooperate with me."_

"_O-okay," Rachel cries as Shelby hugs her to her chest._

She closes her eyes as she remembers how painful the hospital visit had been for the two of them. How Rachel shook and cried as they questioned her, barely able to formulate answers. She remembers how her daughter fought as the doctors struggled to examine her and how she screamed every time she was poked or prodded.

She remembers the trial and how Rachel sat in front of the court in the large chair, trying to shrink into herself. She remembers her daughter breaking down as she told the jury about the awful things Leroy did to her and about Hiram's constant absence and neglect.

She remembers the look in Leroy's eyes as they arrested him that day and how Rachel had woken up every fifteen minutes that night and every night after because of nightmares. She remembers her daughter living like a zombie, completely void of emotion and so completely shattered.

She remembers moving Rachel's things into her guest room and the lies she'd told everyone about why she'd suddenly allowed her fourteen-year-old daughter to love in with her. Rachel had been traumatized enough and to save her daughter any more humiliation, she'd told everyone Leroy was arrested and put away for public intoxication rather than the numerous counts of assault, incest, and rape he was charged for.

She remembers checking on her daughter in the middle of the night only to find her fast asleep in the corner of her closet, the bed completely untouched. She remembers how she'd sometimes curl up on the floor next to her and hold her while she slept, kissing away the tears she'd shed in her sleep.

She remembers taking Rachel to a psychiatrist to discuss her self-harm issues while she begged her little girl to stop hurting herself. She couldn't understand why Rachel was acting this way, Leroy had been put away and Hiram was never returning. As hard as Shelby tried, she couldn't put her daughter back together and the more she tried, the more Rachel broke.

She really was trying her best to help her daughter, but it seemed everything she did, Rachel rebelled. She remembers asking Rachel to join the glee club, Vocal Adrenaline, in hopes that music would help her, but it only pushed her away. She remembers finding her daughter underneath the bleachers, smoking, drinking, and getting high with the neighborhood scum when she was supposed to be in math class.

She remembers finding her daughter locked away in her bathroom, cutting deep red lines into her skin and calling a doctor, putting Rachel on constant watch. She remembers how a nurse would come everyday and check Rachel's wounds only to be told that they were only getting worse.

She remembers the intense therapy sessions they had to undergo when Rachel had almost killed herself. She remembers telling her daughter how she'd found her pale motionless body covered in blood and how scared she was and that she was going to have to institutionalize Rachel because she couldn't help her they way she needed it. She remembers how Rachel finally cracked, begging Shelby to forgive her and promising that she'd stop. She remembers how Rachel had explained that she wasn't rebelling and that it was the only way she knew she had control over her life after having everything taken from her by Leroy.

Shelby remembers the way Rachel kept her promise and how with the help of Jesse St. James, Rachel's only friend, they built her back up. She remembers the first time her daughter smiled a real smile and the first time she'd caught her signing in the shower. She remembers how she finally had the relationship she'd always wanted with her daughter.

She remembers discussing Broadway and Rachel's dreams, promising her little girl that she'd die before she let something or someone get in her way of reaching them. She remembers how hard Rachel worked and how proud she was of her daughter.

She remembers how excited she was when Rachel and Jesse had come to her, asking to go to a party in Lima. They wanted to celebrate Vocal Adrenaline's sixth National championship victory. She remembers smiling proudly and telling Rachel to be safe while thanking the god above that her daughter finally wanted to do something normal.

She remembers the pride she felt as Rachel came down in her shimmering party dress, smiling widely as she posed for Jesse. She couldn't believe her little girl had come all this way, she'd blossomed from a scared fourteen year old to a troubled fifteen year old, to a sweet sixteen year old with her whole life ahead of her. She'd never been more proud.

She remembers how easy their life was after they'd been able to put the past behind them. She remembers how Rachel took over Vocal Adrenaline, shocking everyone with her powerful voice and winning them yet another National Championship. She remembers watching the relationship between Jesse and Rachel grow and how she'd catch them holding hands or stealing kisses when they thought she wasn't looking.

She remembers the day Rachel sat both her and Jesse down on the couch, claiming she an announcement. Shelby remembers how nervous she was and how she couldn't stop fidgeting. She remembers how she'd grabbed her daughter's hands and promised that she'd support her no matter what.

She remembers how crushed she was when Rachel finally took a deep breath and muttered the two words that completely broke her heart. She remembers burying her face in her hands as she tried to process the information, failing to understand the situation. This was Rachel, her Rachel. The little girl who'd had her innocence taken at such a young age, the little girl who lived in constant fear, afraid of everyone around her and unable to trust. The same little girl who self-destructed and pushed everyone away because of the abuse she'd endured. This can't be the same little girl standing in front of her right now.

She remembers looking over at a pale-faced Jesse sitting next to her with his mouth wide open. She remembers hearing Leroy's words, _"She's nothing but a dirty little slut. It'll be a miracle if she doesn't get pregnant before she's sixteen," _he'd spat at her before shoving her out the door.

She remembers asking her daughter why she'd betrayed her, why she'd ruined the dream she'd worked so hard to get back. She remembers how her daughter stood, mumbling in front of her unable to give a straight answer. She remembers telling her daughter to abort the child, to erase the mistake and carry on with the life she'd fought so hard to get back. Rachel had come so far and Shelby had promised herself that her little girl would accomplish her dreams.

She remembers how Rachel refused to kill her child and the argument they'd had at the clinic. She remembers how she'd felt like a complete failure for not being able to protect her daughter. She remembers blaming herself for Rachel's pregnancy and the strain it was putting on their relationship.

She remembers how she sat Jesse down and explained to him that after Regionals, he and Rachel would be moving to New York to raise the child. She remembers how Jesse argued and refused to be tied to Rachel through a child he didn't want. He'd lashed out at her and accused Rachel of getting pregnant on purpose to keep him from leaving her and going to UCLA in the fall. She remembers how she'd slapped him across the face and threatened to ruin any chances of a Broadway career if he didn't take care of her daughter and her unborn grandchild.

She remembers how she'd called director after director until she finally gotten Jesse an audition in New York with hopes that Rachel would be able to join him on the stage once the baby was born. She'd hated that she was forcing her daughter to move, but it was for the best. If Rachel raised the baby in Ohio, she'd never see her name in lights, but if she was in New York and Jesse was on Broadway, she'd be one step closer to accomplishing her dreams. Even if she never made it, Shelby knew she'd be able to forgive herself because she'd tried. She'd tried so hard to fix the girl that was once Rachel Berry, but this was something much too marred for even someone as resilient as herself.

She remembers the pain in her chest as she stood in the auditorium the day of Regionals saying goodbye to her daughter. She remembers the hurt look in Rachel's eyes, a look she hadn't seen in over a year. It nearly killed the older brunette to know that this time she's the one hurting her daughter. She could see the betrayal in her Rachel's brown eyes as she promised to call tomorrow and make sure they'd settled in okay.

She remembers holding back the tears as she watched Rachel and Jesse walk away. She remembers trying to convince herself that she wasn't abandoning her only daughter even though it felt that way. She only did it for Rachel's benefit after everything the poor girl had been through she'd deserved to have the one thing she wanted the most and having a child at sixteen would take that away.

She remembers how heartbroken she was when she'd gotten the text from Jesse saying that they'd boarded the plane. She knew at that moment that her relationship with Rachel would never be the same even after everything they'd been through.

She remembers sitting in the empty hallway and crying when she heard the screams of a girl in pure agony. The blonde girl was around Rachel's age and heavily pregnant, crying as she clutched her stomach. She recognized her from one of the other glee clubs who's they'd competed against.

She watched as an older boy with a mohawk grabbed her hand and carried her towards a beat up blue truck. She remembers how she followed them and stared at the beautiful little girl through the glass in the hospital. She remembers how drawn she was to the little girl and when she'd heard the baby was up for adoption, she'd filled out the papers and not two weeks later did she have a beautiful baby girl in her arms.

She remembers how complete Beth made her feel, how the little girl kept her from pining for oldest daughter. She remembers how she'd called Rachel a few months after she'd moved, asking her about her pregnancy. She remembers how quiet she was and how hurt she'd sounded when she spoke about Jesse and how he wasn't happy about the baby. She couldn't really blame Jesse for not showing any enthusiasm, but she was grateful that her was taking care of her daughter.

She remembers how she'd told Rachel all about Beth and how happy the little girl made her. She remembers the way Rachel reacted, the way she spat at her and told her to go to hell.

Shelby hadn't tried to contact her daughter again after that day in fear that she'd only push her away more. It wasn't until recently when she'd taken Beth to the zoo that she realized the little girl deserved to know her older sister. She knew she had to apologize to Rachel and explain why she forced her daughter to leave.

Shelby winces as she watches Beth tumble head first into the coffee table, a red lump forming on her forehead. She sighs as she scoops up the crying baby into her arms.

"It's okay, Bethie," she whispers as she kisses her wet cheeks. "Let's go get ready for dinner, we've got to look our best because we're going to see someone very special tonight. Her name is Rachel and she's your big sister and I know she's going to love you so you have to be on your best behavior, okay."

" 'Kay, Mama," Beth smiles a toothy baby grin that makes Shelby's heart melt.

"Let's go meet your sister," Shelby smiles and she hugs her daughter close.

* * *

**Author's note: I do not have a beta for this story so I apologive for any mistakes.**

**Please review.**


	7. Tonight

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: sensitive material. Mature Audiences only**

* * *

11:30 A.M.

After Jesse leaves, Rachel keeps herself busy for the majority of the morning, straightening out the house and teaching her cranky children new words and colors. She loves watching their bright green eyes light up when they're learning new things, she loves that they have the drive and motivation she once had. She hopes that their ambition will only get stronger as they grow, she wants nothing more than to see them excel. She wants them to accomplish their dreams because she knows first hand how it feels to have it dissolve before her very eyes.

She sets them in the living room with a movie while she starts their lunch. She's chopping up a stalk of celery when she hears the elevator ding from the entryway. She freezes, gripping the knife in her hand as she hears his shuffled footsteps walk towards her. She can smell the alcohol all the way from the foyer and a deep tremble runs through her body. It's barely noon and he's completely inebriated.

"W-what are you doing home?" she stutters, her body trembling in fear.

He snorts. "A man can't come home for a little afternoon delight?"

She gulps, her shaking hand gripping the knife so hard her knuckles turn white. "I'm busy Jesse, I have to finish lunch and then make dinner preparations."

He laughs darkly as he walks in beside her, placing his hand over her fisted grip on the knife. "Relax honey," he whispers against her neck.

He closes his hand over hers, slowly prying her fingers away from the knife's handle until it drops onto the counter with a loud 'clang'. She gulps audibly and turns to face him, her eyes wide with fear.

"That's better," he smiles and she flinches. Jesse _never_ smiles.

He pulls her close to him and she can feel the tent rising in his pants along with the bile in her throat. He raises his hand and she recoils as if he's going to slap her, only to be forced against him while he gently tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. She shivers at his cold touch, his fingers sending warning signals to each and every one of her nerve endings. She wants to run, to grab her kids from the next room and run until she can't anymore, but she's frozen. Her feet rooted to the tiled kitchen floor as she's stuck staring into his haunting blue eyes.

He stares down at her, his cold blue eyes turning darker and darker as he grinds against her. She literally has to clamp her hand over her mouth to keep down the vomit and she knows this doesn't make him happy.

The corner of his mouth twists into a deep scowl as she stands there fighting to hold back bile. It all happens so quickly, she barely registers what's happened. It's only when she feels the sting of his fist hitting her face and the pain that shoots through her kneecaps as she's forced to the ground that she realizes what's going to happen.

He grabs her hair, pulling so tightly that she can physically hear the hairs snapping from her scalp and forces her to look into his icy blue eyes. She gulps as she claws at his hands, a sob escaping her throat.

"How dare you?" he snarls as he shakes her roughly, her teeth rattling in her mouth. "I work everyday to provide for you and those bastard children and all I ask for in return a little tender loving care."

Tears flow freely down her face as she looks into the startled eyes of her children. They're sitting in the playpen in the living room where she left them, both of their eyes wide and their lips trembling.

"Look at me!" he screams and her children start wailing. She snaps her eyes to his, the fury clear in his haunting irises. He grabs her chin vehemently, forcing her to comply. "All you do is take care of those fucking kids, but what about me?"

He lets go of her hair, throwing her to the floor. She braces herself against her hands, but she doesn't dare move. She can hear her children crying for her in the background and each and every one of their sobs is a stab in her already broken heart.

"You're fucking disgusting, Rachel!" he yells as she squeezes her eyes shut. She's heard these words before and she knows just how true they really are. "You should be happy I'm even here. If it weren't for those goddamned kids you'd be on your own. Look at you, you can't even defend yourself, can you?"

A swift kick is delivered directly into her rib cage before she's even given a chance. Her teeth bite into her bottom lip, drawing blood as she fights to muffle the blood-curdling scream caught in her throat. She hates crying in front of him, it makes her feel weak and inhuman, like the runt of the litter who's kicked aside and deemed 'useless'. She couldn't have stopped the tears if she'd wanted to, he'd literally kicked the air out of her lungs and she's left wheezing and gasping for breath. Each bit of oxygen she manages to inhale burns as her chest expands and deflates meekly.

He smirks as he watches her cry and struggle on the tiled kitchen floor. It makes him feel powerful so he does it again and again until she finally breaks, screaming and clutching her ribcage in pure agony. He likes the way it feels when he hits Rachel. He feels like he did in high school, invincible. The power he has over the cowering brunette is just like the power he'd had when he'd lead Vocal Adrenaline. Seeing her in this vulnerable position reminds him that he still is Jesse St. James. He's still on top, even if he did knock up his high school girlfriend. Staring in a Broadway production isn't enough for him anymore, he needs control. He has to prove that he's not a failure for not going to college and making something more of his life, and having complete control does that.

"You know I could leave right now and you and those brats would be out on the street. You have no friends, Rachel. Nobody will ever be able to tolerate your filth," he snaps and she nods, her eyes glued to the tiled floor. She knows he's right, she doesn't have a single friend right now and she hasn't in years. She knows why, she's admitted it to herself several times, but hearing it come from Jesse stung more than she ever thought it could.

"Shelby's coming over for a nice dinner, but it's all going to be ruined because of you. You're nothing but a disgusting little whore, you're not worthy of anything, Rachel Berry. You're a slut and a filthy one at that," He kicks her again and this time she hears the snap as a strangled scream rips from her throat.

She cries in pain as she collapses onto the kitchen floor, her children screaming a mere four feet away. She prays that they don't understand what's going on and that they'll forget, but then she remembers the way her daughter had touched her bruised cheek and she knows they understand completely.

She can hear him pacing the floor, he does it often when he's planning his next attack. She knows at least one of her ribs is badly injured and with the escape she's planned for tonight, she can't risk getting hurt anymore. She knows what she has to do to keep herself from receiving any further beatings, even if it kills off the last bit of dignity she has left.

Carefully, she pushes herself off of the ground with one hand while the other cradles her bruising ribcage. She leans against the lower cabinets in a kneeling position and slowly lifts her head to meet his blazing blue eyes.

"I-I'm s-sorry, Jesse," she murmurs, trying her best to push the pain aside. "You're right, I'm nothing but a filthy whore. Please let me make it up to you?" she begs, her eyes filling with tears of humiliation.

He scoffs as he steps towards her, the bulge in his pants visibly growing before her tear filled eyes. "Go on," he snaps as he pushes himself against her mouth. "Be a good little whore and show me how sorry you are. Show me how good you are with your mouth."

She gulps as she reaches for his belt buckle with trembling fingers. Slowly she undoes the buckle, pulling it through each loop one at a time before placing it one the ground. She hates the sound it makes as it hits the tiled floor, it reminds her too much of Leroy. She pushes his pants down his legs and leaves him standing in his boxers, his blue eyes hooded and glazed.

She closes her eyes and fights the tears that fill them. She wants to gag, she despises this particular act more than anything he or Leroy had ever done to her. It's humiliating. It takes away what little dignity she has left and makes her feel absolutely worthless.

She kneels before him and undresses him, each layer of clothing that hits the floor reminding her of how soiled and useless she is. When he's completely naked, he grabs a hold of her hair, pulling tightly and forces her against his thighs.

She squeaks out in protest as he rips the hair from her head in his attempt to force her closer. "You know how I like it," he whispers as he grabs his harden member in his free hand. "Get to it."

She swallows the bile in her throat, closes her eyes, and parts her lips trying desperately not to choke as he slams himself inside her mouth. He shoves himself down her throat, groaning loudly and she releases the tears she'd tried to keep at bay. She hates that she willingly lets him degrade her like this. She hates that she's not strong enough to fight for herself and that she voluntarily stoops to this level to avoid receiving another broken bone. She mentally scolds herself for being so weak, for taking the easy way out.

He jerks her head impatiently and slowly she begins to bob her head back and froth, her tears making it nearly impossible to keep from chocking. It's in this moment that she feels nothing. She feels so dirty and trivial, she feels just like the nothing she really is. In this moment, she's not worthless, she's below that. She's the trash on the streets that, so dirty that even homeless people scowl at it.

She continues her actions, chocking and gagging around the poisonous member forcing its way down her throat. She hears her children's cries over Jesse's obnoxious grunts and she slams her eyes shut. She doesn't want to see them, she can't. How can she possibly face her children after they've witnessed their mother give in to something so vile? How can she teach them to be strong when she's weaker than a mouse, cowering away as she lets their so-called 'father' take advantage of her.

She's absolutely disgusted with herself. She never wanted to let her children down, never. Being a mother was the one thing she swore she could do right, but she was wrong just like she is about most things. She knows it was selfish of her to keep them, she was just barely sixteen at the time. She had no job and no way of supporting herself let alone a baby, but she couldn't bring herself to give them up. She needed them, she needed someone to love her despite her filth. She knew they deserved better, that they deserved a real family, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't give away a part of herself without looking back. But, in this moment she wished that she had. She wishes that she hadn't been so selfish and that she'd given her babies to a loving home. They didn't need to see this, they didn't deserve to watch their mother be beaten and used right before their very eyes. They were barely two years old and already she managed to fuck up their lives.

She sobs as she realizes what a horrible mother she is. It's all her fault, she should have listened to Shelby and got rid of them when she had the chance, she should have spared them and kept them from this lifestyle. It wasn't fair that they had to witness this, they didn't ask to be born to a filthy whore like herself.

She cries as Jesse empties himself inside her mouth and over her chin. Without thinking she spits the hateful liquid from her mouth and onto the floor and curls into a tiny ball and sobs. She can practically feel the anger vibrating off of him for what's she's done, but she doesn't care. Leroy could've raped her a thousand times, but nothing compares to the absolute disgust she feels for herself.

He stands above her, watching her break down. She's sobbing so hard he's not sure she's breathing and he watches as her body begins to convulse in an unnatural way. He knows she's having a panic attack, although he has no idea nor does he care about the reason why. He scoffs as he zips himself back into his pants and runs his hands through his unruly hair. He snarls at the crying children standing in their playpen, begging to be released. He can't believe he puts up with this, that he actually tolerates this in his own house.

"Things are going to change around here, Rachel," he snaps as he straightens out his crisp blue linen shirt. "I'm a man and I have needs, needs that you're not meeting."

She clutches her chest as she gasps for air, it seems like no matter how hard she breathes, she's not getting any oxygen. She's suffocating under her own filth, physically and mentally.

"After dinner I want those brats in bed and you ready for me. I don't understand you, Rachel, you act like some innocent little girl when you went and got yourself pregnant in order to trap me. You don't have to pretend with me, Rachel, I know what a dirty slut you are. This whole crying act is getting boring," he spits. "I'm in control here, not you and tonight I'm going to treat you like the little whore you are! You will not disrespect me anymore!"

It's too much for her and she finds herself paralyzed, his yelling and her children crying are breaking her more than she ever though possible. She can't breathe and her stomach is twisting in knots, her already dark world is becoming pitch black and she wants nothing more than to give in. She shakes as her stomach clenches and then releases, vomit spilling from her mouth and onto the kitchen floor.

She lowers her aching body to the floor prepared to surrender completely. She's got nothing left to live for, she's failed as a mother. She closes her eyes and lets the darkness consume her when she feels a small metal object being thrown at her and almost immediately she knows what it is.

She hears Jesse's dark laugh as she picks up the object, turning it over in her hands. She sits up, clutching her chest as she removes the safety cap. The metal shines as she delicately runs her fingers over the blade. It amazes her that this one little object has the power to completely turn her life upside down.

She looks over to her children and her heart breaks into a million pieces. She's falling apart and there's only one way to put her back together, there's only one way out at this point and it comes from a shiny little razor blade. The same razor blade that nearly ended her life is the only thing that can keep her from shattering. She needs the comfort it brings to push through, to bring back whatever strength she has left. She needs to forget, to get lost in the high the razor brings. She needs to build herself back up and this is the only way she knows how.

She's tired of being degraded, her entire life she's been used and pushed around. She needs to get better, she owes it to herself and to her children. She knows that it's wrong and the feelings is worse than anything she's ever experienced, but she doesn't care. She needs this, her children need their mother.

She holds her breath as she drags the blade across her skin. Her skin burns as the blade breaks through the top layer. She watches as the blood rises to the top before dripping out onto the floor. The release it brings is even stronger than it was in the past and before she can stop herself, she's slicing open old wounds while Jesse and her children watch in pure shock.

He has to physically stop and blink his eyes to make sure he's seeing this correctly. The way she's attacking her arm with the blade scares him, but he doesn't dare stop her. She has this crazed look in her eyes, like the razor is literally her lifeline. He only bought it to torment her a little, he never thought she'd actually use it. He almost feels bad for doing this to her, he knows how difficult it was for her to stop, the scars covering her body were proof of how strong of an addiction she once had. He takes one last look at her trembling frame before heading towards the elevator, he's done enough damage for today.

She breathes in the metallic smell of her blood as it spills onto the floor. She feels nothing and she doesn't want it to stop. She cuts three more times and watches and angry red lines form over faded scars. It feels good to feel nothing, to not feel worthless and disgusting. The cries of her children interrupt her high, but she can't bring herself to stop. She cuts more and more until her left arm is nothing but a myriad of bloody red lines. She feels like an artist, the razor is her brush, her blood the paint, and her body the canvas and she wants nothing more than to replicate the _Sistine Chapel._

Once she's satisfied with her work she sits back and smiles. This is what she wanted, what she needed to survive. She's dirty, she always has been and releasing the filth is purifying. She sits in the kitchen in a pile of her own vomit while her children cry out for her. Deep down she knows how wrong this is and she's disgusted with herself, but then again she's always made bad decisions and she's almost always wrong.

The high wears off, much to her disappointment and the numbness fades as the feeling returns to her body. She hisses as her arm burns, the cuts inflamed and red. She frowns as she holds back tears. Each stinging cut is a reminder of what she's done, of how she's failed herself and her children. She doesn't deserve to feel sorry for herself or to mourn over the death of the girl who was once Rachel Berry. She's got a responsibility to her children to uphold and she'd rather die than fail them again.

Slowly she stands and makes her way to the sink, ignoring the shooting pain she feels in her chest. She holds her arm under the facet and watches as her tears mix with her blood in the basin. Her children sit quietly, silent tears running down their faces as they watch their mother cry.

She cleans herself up the best she can before cleaning the floor and making her way over to her children. They both reach up their arms to her, but the pain in her side doesn't allow her to pick them up the way she wants to.

Instead she lowers herself to the floor, laying her head down on the soft carpet. Her children waste no time in cuddling next to her and she holds them as close as she can.

"Momma's sorry," she whispers as her son buries his face in her chest. "I let you guys down and I promised myself I'd never do that. I failed you, but I promise it won't happen again. I won't let it."

Her daughter frowns as she gently places her fingers over her mother's bruising eye. Everything happened so fast and she's confused, her one-year-old mind can't comprehend what's happened, but she knows it isn't good. She's finally figured out where the marks come from and she doesn't like it one bit. She wants to help her mother, she doesn't like it when she cries, but she doesn't know how.

"No cry," she says softy to her mother.

"I'm trying baby, I really am. I just want you two to be happy, neither of you asked for this life and I'm so sorry I let this happen. I promise it'll get better after tonight, we just have to hang in there for he rest of the day and then I promise it'll get better," Rachel says as she holds her daughter close.

She closes her eyes and rocks her children to sleep, the day's just barely begun and already she's wishing it were over. She lets herself drift off to sleep, their lunch forgotten as well as the day's earlier events as her children snore softly beside her.

Tonight she will be free. Tonight, she gives her children everything she's ever promised them.

* * *

**Author's note: I do not have a beta for this story so please excuse any errors.**

**Please review.**


	8. Pretending

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: sensitive material. Mature audience only.**

**Outfits are available on my profile.**

* * *

It's around five in the evening when Rachel finally blinks open her eyes. Her entire body aches and she's pretty sure breathing isn't meant to hurt this bad. Slowly, she turns her head and breathes in the familiar scent of her son who's fast asleep on her throbbing chest. She kisses his head and slicks down his unruly mop of brown hair and smiles as he blinks open his eyes.

He raises one of his chubby little hands and grabs her fingers, bringing it to his mouth where he attempts to place a kiss on her palm. She giggles quietly, stopping abruptly when pain shoots through her ribcage. She tries to keep herself from wincing so her son doesn't see, but the pain is too much and she accidently wakes her daughter, who sits up in Rachel's lap, rubbing her tired green eyes.

"Momma?" the little girl asks in confusion as she takes in her surroundings. They're still lying in the middle of the living room.

"Hi, baby," Rachel whispers as she slowly sits up.

She grinds her teeth together as she pushes herself off of the ground, every single move she makes feels like another kick in the chest. Her children watch their mother with great curiosity as she slowly limps towards the stairs, calling for them to follow her.

Slowly, they make their way upstairs, only stopping twice for Rachel to catch her breath, where she bathes and dresses them in their best dinner outfits. She sets them down in their playroom where they practically sprint toward their toys while she makes her way towards her own bathroom.

She stands in front of the mirror, barely recognizing the girl in front of her. Her face is a jumbled swollen mess of black, blue, and green hues so dark you can barely see her left eye. She still has a split lip from the last time he'd hit her and her nose had started bleeding again, dried blood sticking to her shirt. The bandage she'd had covering the cut on her forehead had fallen off and the angry mark was sore and becoming infected.

As if her face didn't look bad enough, the damage continued throughout her body making her look as ugly and disgusting as she felt. She lifts her shirt and tenderly runs her fingers down her bruised ribs, wincing as she takes in the deep purple marks marring her chest. She pulls the shirt off as well as her pants, trying her hardest to ignore the stabbing pain in her ribs. She prays they're not broken because she doesn't know when she'll be able to get to the hospital, if ever. The only insurance she has comes from Jesse and the last time she was in a hospital was to get the twins their first vaccinations and that was almost a year ago.

She holds in her tears, as she stands naked in front of the mirror. Her burnt legs have finally begun healing leaving her with ugly scabs all over the top of her thighs. She's as equally repulsive on the outside as she is on the inside, but the burns and the bruises aren't nearly as hideous as the cuts on her left arm. She stares at the red lines in absolute horror. She'd promised herself she'd never resort to that again, but she just couldn't handle it. She just needed it all to go away. It had felt as if her entire eighteen years of life had come crashing down on her, every awful memory that had been burned into her mind coming to surface. Every time the cheerleaders had put her down, every time her father snuck into her room, every time she'd disappointed Shelby, and every time Jesse hit her had floated around in her head and she wanted to escape. Each slice of the blade against her skin had erased those memories one by one, pushing farther and farther into the back of her mind.

She holds up her wounded arm and runs her fingers over the cuts. The tears she'd been holding back spilled over as nausea floods her body. Words don't express the disappointment she's caused throughout her lifetime.

She thinks back to the time that she lived with Shelby and how much she'd disappointed her mother. It was just after the trail had taken place and Leroy was put in prison and Rachel was placed permanently in Shelby's care.

_It's her first day at her new high school, Carmel, with her new mother and her new friend, Jesse. Today she'll be starting her sophomore year. Things with Shelby have gone as well as she'd expected, considering the fact that Rachel absolutely refuses to tell Shelby anything about her past or Leroy, she'd even had Shelby leave the courtroom when she gave her testimony. She knows that Shelby knows the truth, but she'd promised herself she'd never tell, it's too painful to admit that she'd let her father do that do her, that she'd let herself become a victim. She'd seen cases like hers on the news, how they'd describe the crime and how the so-called 'victim' fought for their life and how they're so happy to be free. In her mind, she wasn't a victim. She didn't fight. She's nothing but a worthless whore who let her father use her. She didn't need her mother feeling sorry for her, she didn't need anyone's sympathy, and she didn't deserve it. She'd seen the looks on the faces of the jury members as she spoke about Leroy, the last thing she wants was to see that look coming from her own mother. It's a look of pure disgust, one she sees every time she looks in the mirror._

_She's lying on the floor in the corner of the room where she fell asleep last night after Shelby had tucked her into bed. She tried her best to fall asleep in the overly comfortable bed Shelby had purchased for her, but she couldn't. Each time she'd shifted in the bed, the noise of the sheets crinkling against her skin brought her back to her bed in Lima. She'd tried to stay as still as possible as Shelby sang softly next to her, but just being in the bed brought back the memories of Leroy crawling drunkenly on top of her in the middle of the night._

_Luckily Shelby's used to Rachel's frequent nightmares and when she walks in to wake Rachel for her first day of school, she's not at all fazed when she sees her daughter curled up on the floor as far away from the bed as possible. She walks over and sits down next to Rachel, pulling her daughter into her lap._

"_Did you have another nightmare?" she whispers into her daughter's messy brown hair as the younger girl nods._

"_Right after you left," Rachel mumbles as she snuggles against her mother's chest._

"_Why didn't you wake me up?" Shelby asks her daughter in confusion. Rachel's only been with Shelby a few months, but there hasn't been a day when Rachel hadn't woken Shelby up screaming or asking to stay with her in the middle of the night._

_Rachel shrugs. "We both have school today and one of us had to get sleep."_

_Shelby sighs and plants a kiss on her daughter's head trying to ignore the way she flinches away. "How long did you stay in the bed?"_

_Rachel frowns as she lowers her eyes to the floor. "Right after you left, I moved over to the floor. I just. . ." she pauses and chews her bottom lip. "I couldn't do it, I kept picturing bad things and I could feel him . . ."she trails off, shuddering in disgust._

"_What kind of bad things?" Shelby asks. She hates that Rachel refuses to open up, it makes her feel inadequate, like she can't even comfort her own daughter. She knows what happened at the house in Lima. She saw the sick dark lust in Leroy's eyes and the way his pants were unbuckled. She can see the scared look Rachel gets when anyone gets too close to her and she knows it's from Leroy._

"_Just bad stuff," Rachel murmurs._

_Shelby sighs, she knows her little girl is hurting, but she doesn't know how to help her. Should she tell Rachel that she knows about Leroy and that she saw Rachel's bed and the state her room was in? Should she tell Rachel that she knows what Leroy did to her and that she wants her daughter to be able to talk to her? Should she tell her daughter that she's seen the marks on her thighs and lower stomach and that she knows her daughter is hurting herself? If it's one thing Shelby Corcoran hates, it's not knowing what to do. It makes her feel helpless and weak, something she's not used to and when it comes to her only daughter she's completely lost._

"_You know you can tell me anything, right?" Shelby asks quietly and Rachel nods again. "I know this is new and I wish that we could've started this relationship on better circumstances, but I need you to know that I love you, Rachel and nothing you tell me will ever change that."_

"_I know and I love you too, I just can't right now," Rachel says quietly. _

"_Are you okay with the therapist, Dr. Renee? Do you talk to her?" Shelby asks._

_Rachel shrugs. "We talk about stuff, she makes me feel better," she lies. They don't talk about anything, Rachel doesn't speak to anyone but Shelby and Jesse. She doesn't trust anyone._

"_Really?" Shelby sighs in relief. She knows this is her chance, her chance to ask her daughter the question that's been eating her alive. She takes a deep breath. "D-do you talk about the cutting?"_

_Rachel pales and her mouth drops open. "I-I-I. . .no. . .w-what?" she stutters in complete shock._

_Shelby sighs. "I know this is hard for you, Rachel and I can't possibly imagine what you're feeling, but you've got to find another way to get past it. Self-harm isn't the answer, baby girl. I know it may seem like it helps, but it's only making things worse. It can be addictive," she whispers. "Did you know that?"_

_Rachel shakes her head and jumps from her mother's lap. "I don't have a problem, there's nothing to talk about. Dr. Renee and I talk about Broadway and musicals, she happens to be a Streisand fan as well. I'm going to get ready for school now so if you wouldn't mind leaving," she says as she walks into the bathroom slamming the door._

Rachel remembers that day and many more like it. Shelby never let up on the cutting and it only got worse when she'd became friends with the wrong crowd and started drinking and smoking her problems away and although that didn't last very long, it only added on to the list of the many problems she had. Rachel knew her cutting was a problem, but she couldn't stop it at the time, nor did she want to.

She does, however, remember the day she'd stopped. It was the day she'd almost lost her baby girl, the day she'd almost given up on life.

_She wakes up to a wet sticky sensation, cold and alone on the floor of the spare room that will soon become a nursery. She blinks furiously trying to get her vision to focus, but the room is too dark and she figures it must be midnight if not later. She pulls back her blanket and gasps when she sees herself covered in blood from the waist down._

_She'd had a feeling something bad was going to happen, something just didn't sit right with her all week and her sixth sense had been off its radar since this morning. At her last appointment she'd been told to take it easy as she was carrying multiples, however, with the amount of work that needed done and the little to no help she'd received from Jesse, resting just wasn't possible. _

_Slowly, she pushes herself off of the ground, cradling her 24-week-old baby belly. She's come so far in this pregnancy, she can't loose them now, not when she's already fallen in love with them. She can't loose another person she loves, she's already had so much taken from her in her short life, taking her unborn children will kill her._

_She tiptoes down the hallway into her bedroom where her boyfriend is fast asleep. She bites her lip, she knows this isn't going to end well for her and while she's never actually had to wake him up, she imagines it will be anything but pleasant._

"_Jesse," she whispers as she shakes him lightly. She holds her breath, squeezing her eyes shut as he grumbles and rolls over. "Jesse, something's wrong," she says a little louder._

_He rolls over and faces her, but doesn't open his eyes. "What do you want?" he hisses._

"_J-Jesse, I'm bleeding. Something's wrong, we have to go!" she says, panic rising in her voice._

"_Fuck, I'm sleeping, Rachel," he groans as he turns to roll over._

_She turns on the bedside lamp and is met with furious blue eyes. "I just need a ride, Jesse, please, the hospital isn't far at all."_

"_You're not riding in my car like that," he scowls as he looks at her blood soaked pants._

_Like many New Yorkers, they travel by cab, but Jesse couldn't part with his beloved Camaro that was now parked in the underground lot of their building. "Jesse, please," she begs. "I might be loosing them."_

_He rolls his eyes and turns away from her. "Good riddance," he spits as he flicks the light off leaving her in the dark._

_She holds back the tears that threaten to spill as she forces herself to keep going, to fight for her unborn children. "I just need some money, please. I'll catch a cab."_

"_It's two in the fucking morning, Rachel!" he yells as she jumps back in fear. "Go to bed already!"_

_Her body betrays her as her tears begin to fall. "I'll just walk then," she whispers as she makes her way out of the room. She vaguely hears him mutter an annoyed 'whatever', but she's already focused on getting to the hospital as quick as possible._

_She changes her clothes and calls a cab, thankful that someone is available at this hour. As she makes her way to the hospital she realizes she doesn't have enough money to cover the fair and that she's also bled all over the seats. She bursts into tears and frantically tries to explain the situation, telling the older driver that she's only sixteen and loosing her babies and that her boyfriend won't help her. At first he's hesitant, but he drops her off outside the emergency room, wishing her the best of luck. He can see how scared the younger girl is and his mind immediately pictures his own teenage daughter in the exact same situation._

_She thanks the driver over and over again, promising to tell her children about the man that possibly saved their lives before waddling into the emergency room and signing in. She's called back almost immediately, considering she's practically bleeding out, but before she can take a step, her eyes catch the puddle of red beneath her feet and the world goes blank._

_The blood on the floor isn't the same blood she sheds when she cuts. That blood is dirty, it's tainted and disgusting and she forces it out of her body. This blood is different. It's the blood of her children, her entire world. Without them she's absolutely nothing, she's the worthless whore she's always been. Her children are the only reason she's living now, if she hadn't gotten pregnant she would have succeeded in killing herself the first time she'd tried._

_When she finally wakes up, wires and lots of beeping monitors in a bright room surround her. At first she's confused, but her memory comes back in a blinding rush and her hands immediately fly to her belly, relieved that it's still round and swollen as her babies kick softly beneath her skin._

_She hears a quiet knock on the door before it opens, revealing a middle-aged woman in bright green scrubs. "Ms. Berry?" she asks as Rachel nods, motioning for her to come in. "I'm Dr. Montgomery, how are you feeling?"_

_She sits up as best as she can with a stomach the size of a large beach ball. "I'll be fine if you tell me that my babies are okay."_

_Dr. Montgomery sighs and Rachel immediately pales. "They're perfectly fine now," she smiles and then frowns. "You had what's called a placental abruption, are you familiar with that term?" she asks as Rachel shakes her head. "It occurs when the placenta is separated from the uterine wall before birth. It's more common in multiple births."_

"_H-how did it happen?" Rachel whispers in shock._

"_Lots of different things can cause it such as drugs and alcohol, but yours was caused from __increased uterine distention, again caused by the multiples," she explains._

"_Is everything okay?" Rachel asks, trying to conceal her panic._

"_Everything appears to be fine now, we're monitoring you and the babies very carefully. Right now we're giving you lots of fluids through the IV, luckily you didn't loose enough for a blood transfusion."_

"_What do we do now?" Rachel asks, rubbing her hands over her belly protectively._

"_Now we wait and see if the bleeding continues. If it starts again, we'll need to check for_ _excessive blood loss leading to shock, hidden or concealed uterine bleeding in pregnancy, and a closed cervix," she says and Rachel shivers, just thinking about all of the things that can go wrong make her blood run cold._

_Dr. Montgomery smiles softly. "I know this can be a lot for you to take in and you're truly lucky that you're all okay. Most cases like this end up with an emergency C-section, premature sick babies, a hysterectomy, and a distressed mother. You're one of the lucky ones Rachel. You're little girl put up quite a fight, we thought we'd lost her for a minute, but she pulled through."_

"_M-my little girl?" Rachel stutters in disbelief._

_Dr. Montgomery beams. "Yes, a little boy and a little girl. Fraternal twins, congratulations."_

"_I get one of each? And they're okay now right? I mean, they're growing properly and everything?" Rachel asks, her excitement threatening to blow through the roof._

"_If everything stays exactly how it is now and there's no more bleeding, they'll be perfectly fine. They're a little small, but that's to be expected with multiples, but otherwise they are right on track development wise," she says. "However, during the ultrasound we noticed some scar tissue which is normal, but there seems to be an excessive amount, especially in your abdominal area. Normally we don't see this unless we're dealing with trauma patients," she pauses and Rachel freezes, memories of all the times Jesse's kicked her and the times she'd struggled against Leroy's heavy weight flashing through her mind. "We've removed as much of it as we could and thankfully there weren't any adhesions, but I'm sorry to say that when you do decide to conceive again, it's going to be quite difficult if not impossible," she says and Rachel gasps._

_She wants to be upset, she wants to curl in a ball and sob until she can't breathe any longer, but she can't. She can't cry over another thing that's been taken from her because she's been given a second chance. Her babies could have died today, but they didn't. She decided then that she's never going near a razor blade again. Her children deserve the best and after fighting for their lives, she's going to give it to them no matter what the cost._

"_I'm terribly sorry, Rachel. I know you're young and this must be awful news, but I really can't do anything to help you in that area," Dr. Montgomery frowns._

_Rachel smiles sadly and strokes her swollen belly. "I'm just grateful for these two little ones. They've saved me from myself in so many different ways. I owe them so much and they're not even born yet."_

"_That's the miracle of being a parent, Rachel. Children are born into this world completely innocent and void of any depravity and they look to you to keep them that way, but somehow they end up teaching you things beyond your imagination. Being a parent is truly a wonderful thing and I'm so happy we were able to save your babies," the doctor smiles._

"_Thank you, you have no idea what you've done for me."_

Rachel stares at the red angry slices on her arm and before she can stop herself, she's running towards toilet with her hand clamped over her mouth. She barely makes it in time to start dry heaving into the porcelain bowl, each heave bringing forth a sharp stabbing pain in her ribs.

After what seems like forever, she's able to stand and wipe her mouth, flushing away the evidence of her sickness. She turns on the bathwater, turning the nozzle to its highest setting. She showers quickly, scrubbing away the filth and grim until they're visible lines on her skin. She steps out, ignoring her protesting ribs and immediately sets to work on her arm. She covers it with a large bandage and hunts for a long sleeve dress and tights for dinner.

She doesn't want to look at her arm, she's ashamed of what she's done. She's mortified that she broke her promise to her children and seeing it only makes it that much worse.

When she's ready for dinner, she checks on her children who are happily playing with their toys. Her son sits on the floor smashing his toy cars together, his crazy stubborn hair sticking up in all directions, despite her attempt to calm it while her daughter plays quietly, humming to her dolls while she feds them from a plastic toy bottle in her tiny playhouse. She smiles as she watches her little girl smooth out her floral silk dress and adjust her hair the way she always does in the mornings. It amazes her how much her daughter in like her and how much she learns, just by watching.

It's almost seven and Jesse will be home shortly expecting things to be ready for dinner. She moves robotically around the kitchen, setting the table and preparing the food and for a second she pretends that things are normal. She pretends that her boyfriend doesn't beat her and that the mother who'd abandoned her twice wasn't coming over with her perfect little replacement daughter. She pretends that the scars and bruises hidden underneath the large amount of make-up she's wearing don't exist and she pretends that she's the perfect girlfriend cooking dinner for her perfect family.

She puts on a fake smile as she lights the candles on the table and tidies up the room and when the doorbell rings, she walks towards the door, pretending she doesn't feel the ache in her ribcage or the nausea churning in her stomach. She pretends that when she opens the door, she doesn't see the woman who literally tore out her still beating heart. She pretends that seeing the little girl wrapped in her arms doesn't dissolve the shattered pieces of her heart.

Instead she stands there and smiles, welcoming her guest into her perfect house. She'd learned a long time ago that her feelings didn't matter, she'd learned that she's alone in this world and no matter what she's got to keep on pretending. And until she's free from everyone who's ever brought her down, she's going to keep pretending. Tonight's her final night, the big finale for the show that's Rachel Berry's life, because after tonight, she's free. She doesn't have to pretend anymore.

* * *

**Author's note: Still no beta for this story so please excuse any mistakes.**

**I hope none of you are too depressed by this story, I promise it does have a happy ending.**

**Please review.**


	9. This Hell I'm Living

**Disclaimer: Do Not Own Glee**

**Warning: Sensitive material, mature audience only**

* * *

Shelby Corcoran feels like an absolute idiot right now. She's standing in the downstairs lobby of Rachel and Jesse's building, holding Beth tightly in her arms. All she has to do is walk over to the teenager popping her bubble gum behind the desk and ask for her daughter, but she can't move. She can't physically work up the courage to see her daughter again after what she's done to her.

She remembers the last face-to-face conversation she had with Rachel, she couldn't forget it even if she tried.

_She's standing in the kitchen making lunch for her daughter who had retreated to her room after an early morning jog for a nap. She thinks it's a little strange that Rachel's asleep at this hour, but after an agonizing practice yesterday with Vocal Adrenaline she brushes off her worry._

_Nationals is tomorrow and they've been practicing for months, she's counting on her star performers-Rachel and Jesse of course-to win Carmel another first place trophy. The choreography is difficult and the songs are new and guaranteed to grab the judge's attention, this routine is by far one of the hardest she's ever composed and she's only able to pull if off because of Rachel. _

_She's given Rachel the solo, her baby girl deserves it and if she's honest, Rachel has more talent in her pinky toe than the members of her glee club. They've worked long and hard for this moment, but Shelby can't help the nagging dreadful feeling she has in the back of her mind._

_She knows Rachel hasn't been herself lately, her daughter's been distracted and flustered, messing up the simplest routines. However, only Shelby's trained eye is able to catch the mistakes and spot the big show smile her daughter's been recently sporting at all hours of the day. The smile is what really worries her because it's taken nearly two whole years of living with her daughter to actually witness a real smile._

_She searches her memory and tries to think of anything that could possibly set Rachel off. Her daughter's been through so much and she's made wonderful progress in the past two years. Even though Rachel's smiling, things are far from perfect. Her cutting problem still exists and though it's less frequent and Shelby doesn't have to worry about finding her daughter's lifeless corpse on the bathroom floor anymore, she's well aware of Rachel's addiction. She's thankful for the progress her daughter has made though. When Rachel had first moved in there was no communication between the two of them, Rachel refused to speak and when she did talk, she only mumbled small one-worded answers that Shelby could barely hear. _

_Eventually she began to trust Shelby more and more and in a few months time, she'd speak freely although she refused to discuss her past. She'd also have excruciating night terrors that antagonized the poor girl for hours in her sleep, unable to be woken up. Shelby would run into Rachel's room only to find the poor girl on the floor curled into the tiniest ball with tears running down her face all while she screamed for help in her sleep. It was when she'd experienced her first terror that Shelby realized how truly unprepared she was for motherhood._

_Over time the night terrors became less frequent and only simple nightmares haunted the girl, however, she still didn't sleep in a bed despite Shelby's protests._

_The doorbell rings and she opens it not at all surprised to see Jesse St. James on the other side of it, his blue eyes sparkling and a blinding smile on his face._

"_What's up, Coach?" he asks casually as he makes his way into her house._

_She shrugs and mumbles a quiet 'not much' before making her way back into the kitchen as Jesse climbs the stairs to Rachel's room. Any other parent would be concerned with a seventeen-year-old boy alone in a sixteen-year-old girl's room but Shelby. It's not that she trusts Rachel completely-because she was sixteen once herself-it's what's happened to Rachel in the past that allows her to relax while the teens are alone upstairs. She knows nothing inappropriate will happen because Rachel wouldn't let it. The one thing she hasn't gotten over is her fear of men and being touched, the younger brunette still flinched every time her mother hugged her or patted her shoulder. The thing that bewilders Shelby is that Rachel trusts Jesse._

_She thinks it might have to do with the fact that the boy pays more attention to himself than he does her daughter, but she doesn't question it. She's glad that Rachel has someone she trusts, someone who shares common interests with her. She knows that the unstoppable duo is becoming closer and more intimate, but instead of dreading it, she's excited. She hopes that Jesse might break Rachel out of her shell completely, she already notices that her daughter hurts herself less when he's around and she's noticeably happier as well and he's almost always around._

_She finishes lunch and calls the two singers upstairs down for some food._

"_Mmm, smells delicious Shell," Jesse says, rubbing his hands together._

_Shelby rolls her eyes and tries to hide her aggravation with the narcissistic teenager. Yes, it is true that Jesse is her favorite student next to Rachel and yes he's won her more National titles than she can count, but that doesn't mean she has to like the boy. His ego takes up all the space in the entire room and his snarky comments make her want to bash his face in, but she has to remember that she's grateful for Jesse St. James because of the way he's unknowingly helping her daughter._

"_Thank you," she says as she serves him a plate._

_She's just about to serve Rachel when she notices how pale her daughter looks. She prays the girl isn't getting sick, Nationals is tomorrow and she can't afford to loose her star._

"_Are you okay, baby girl, you seem a little pale?" she asks, placing her hand on Rachel's forehead._

"_That's probably because she was puking her guts up five minutes ago," Jesse mumbles through a mouth full of food. "This is delicious by the way."_

_She watches as her daughter pushes her plate of food away and flinches away from Shelby's touch._

"_I'm fine. My stomach's just in knots, I'm really anxious for tomorrow," she murmurs, wrapping her arms around her abdomen._

_Shelby sits down at her plate and twirls the pasta around her fork. "I understand and I know you'll all do perfectly, but please eat."_

_She continues to eat and carry on a conversation with Jesse while paying close attention to her daughter. The younger brunette is practically squirming in her chair, pushing her food around her plate._

_She interrupts, Jesse. "Rachel, eat your food, don't think I don't notice you cutting it into smaller pieces. Eat," she demands before going back to her conversation about tomorrow's competition._

_When they're all finished eating and the table is cleared, they take a seat in the living room per Rachel's request and watch as the small singer paces the room avoiding all possible eye contact with her and Jesse._

_Shelby folds her arms across her chest and leans back into the leather couch, eyeing her daughter carefully. She's pacing so quickly that Shelby can practically see her carpet wearing out right before her eyes._

"_Rachel, if you have something to say then by all means say it. We've been sitting here for fifteen minutes," Shelby says, watching as Rachel pales and wrings her hands nervously. The poor girl's clearly a mess and it breaks Shelby's heart to watch her child suffer like this._

"_I . . .it was an accident . . .we-I . . .I'm so sorry . . ." she stutters, tearing leaking down her face. _

_Shelby's resolve crumples as she watches her only daughter break down in front of her. She wants nothing more than to pull the small girl into her arms and protect her from whatever it is that's bothering her, but the nagging worrying feeling is almost overwhelming and she knows that whatever type of trouble Rachel is in, it's not good._

"_Sweetheart," she begins gently, startling the sobbing girl. "I can't help you unless you tell me what's bothering you."_

_She watches as her daughter takes a deep breath, physically calming herself down before she turns and locks eyes with herself and Jesse._

"_I'm pregnant," she says quickly and sternly._

_Shelby blanches, never in a million years did she ever expect to have the teenage daughter she gave up at birth standing in front of her at sixteen years old telling her that she's going to become a grandmother. _

_She squeezes her eyes shut while her brain tries to comprehend the two words that have completely shattered her. Rachel is pregnant. Her daughter, her baby girl that's been through so much is pregnant at sixteen years old._

_She can't believe it. How can the girl who's afraid to be next to someone be able to have sexual intercourse and get pregnant? Unless . . .no, she's not going down that road, she would have known if someone had forced themselves on Rachel. The distant and distracted look on her face would have been much worse had she been raped . . . again._

_Out of the corner of her eye she can see Jesse, his face a pale white and his eyes practically bulging out of his overly gelled head and that's all the conformation she needs. Jesse and Rachel had slept together in her house. Her daughter got pregnant right under her nose._

_She clears her throat and squares her shoulders, the initial shock has worn off and now she's just plain angry. She's angry that her overly ambitious daughter is throwing away her dreams because of a stupid mistake. She knows that Jesse and Rachel aren't in love, she can tell by the way that they interact that they're nothing more than close friends. She opens her mouth to speak, but stops and shakes her head. How does she express her disappointment without hurting Rachel? If Rachel were any other teenager she'd have no problem tearing into the poor girl and unleashing the wrath she keeps bottled up inside, but Rachel is different. She's sensitive and one wrong word can break the girl completely and the last thing she wants to do is relapse on all the progress they've made even if this is one giant step backwards._

_She takes a deep breath and chooses her words wisely, keeping her voice calm and even. "Rachel, are you absolutely sure you're with child?" she asks as the younger brunette nods solemnly. "Is the child, Jesse's?" Again, she receives another nod. _

_She sits back, crossing her legs and pursing her lips. She knows abortion is out of the question, but she has to ask. A child will ruin the dreams Rachel has fought so hard to get back and adoption is just out of the question. She was barely strong enough to go through with it and she knows her daughter's fragile heart can't handle that process._

_Her thought process is disrupted when Jesse groans and runs his hands through his hair furiously. At least he's not the only one unhappy with the situation, although Rachel doesn't look too pleased herself at the moment._

"_When did it happen?" Jesse asks, his voice hurt and Shelby sighs realizing they've been together on more than one occasion._

_Rachel swallows thickly. Her heart is pounding, her throat is dry, she feels as if she's going to vomit any minute, and the way her mother is looking at her isn't making any of it better. She knows she's disappointed Shelby, she's disappointed herself as well._

_Rachel sighs, she shouldn't be doing this right now. "Six weeks ago, after the party."_

_Jesse audibly gulps. "And you're sure?"_

"_Yes, Jesse, I'm sorry. I wish more than anything that this wasn't happening to me-to us-but it is and I can't do anything about it," Rachel whispers._

_Shelby sees this as her opportunity, she knows this is wrong, but she can't let her daughter ruin her life when she's just got it back. "Get rid of it," she says. "I'll make you an appointment for tomorrow and we can move on and forget this never happened." If only it were that simple, she thinks to herself._

_Rachel pales and this time Shelby thinks the girl might vomit on the carpet right in front of them. Her shoulders slump and her mouth drops open as she gasps in pure horror._

"_Shelby, I think that's a little harsh don't you?" Jesse says, one eyebrow raised in disappointment and Shelby scoffs at his act. She knows the boy is hiding his emotions. He's seventeen years old and talented beyond anything she's ever seen, there's no way he's okay with this. He's putting on a show because that's all life is to him, just a simple acting game in which he's the star._

_She growls. "Shut up, Jesse, you don't get a say in any of this. You'll do what I tell you to do and that's final! Tomorrow morning we'll go to the clinic and get this taken care of, should you choose to disobey me, you __**both**__ will compete in tomorrow's competition and then you're out," she says as Rachel bursts into tears. "Jesse, you will take Rachel to New York and you __**will **__take care of her and the child, do you understand?"_

_Jesse recoils from her harsh tone, yes he's heard it before, but it was only when she was standing in front of Vocal Adrenaline and they all knew she didn't actually mean it. But this? This was scary and this was real, too real for him to handle so instead of trying to weasel his way out or coming back with a snarky remark, he nods._

"_Very well then, go to bed. We all have an early morning to prepare for," she says tightly._

_She watches as Jesse slumps his way up the stairs followed by a hysterical Rachel. She waits until she hears the door close before she breaks down completely._

She takes a deep breath and approaches the girl behind the huge desk in the lobby.

"I'm here to see Rachel Berry and Jesse St. James," she says, raising Beth up on her hip.

"Seventh floor," the girl says, popping her gum loudly. "Elevator's over there, she'll have to let you in, just ring the buzzer."

"Thank you," Shelby says politely even though the girl hasn't looked up from her magazine once.

She enters the apartment and is shocked to find it absolutely spotless unlike her own house. How does Rachel keep it so clean with two children? She's broken from state of disbelief by a tiny quiet voice.

"Would you like to take off your coat?" Rachel mumbles.

"Yes please," Shelby says, taking Beth from her hip and placing the toddler on the ground. "This is Beth by the way, say hello to Rachel, Sweetheart," Shelby coos as Rachel winces.

Rachel tries to pretend that it doesn't hurt when Shelby addresses her replacement with such a loving voice, but she can't. The little girl is absolutely perfect, she's everything Rachel's not. She's all cubby cheeks, pouty lips, hazel eyes with elongated lashes, and perfect blond ringlets. She's perfection. She's Noah's daughter, _her Noah's _daughter and she looks just like her own baby girl.

"Hi," Beth says quietly, waving her chubby little hand.

Rachel swallows thickly as she stares at the little girl in complete shock. The resemblance between her daughter and Beth is unbelievable, of course she knows why and it kills her a little more inside, but still. Suddenly seeing Beth is too much for her and she starts fussing with Shelby's coat, taking it to the closet at the end of the foyer and heading back into the kitchen without explanation. She can't fall apart right now, she can't give up on the little bit of hope she has left.

Shelby blinks furiously because her eyelids seem to be the only body part willing to move at the moment. She hasn't taken a single step since she's entered the apartment unlike Beth who ran into the living room as soon as she spotted the mountain of toys in the playpen and the two brunette children playing with them.

She feels like she's in some sort of twilight zone because what she's seeing is seriously freaking her out. There is no way that the girl who just stood in front of her seconds ago is Rachel Barbra Berry. No way. That was not the girl she knew, this girl isn't her daughter.

This girl is a shadow, a small shell of what Rachel used to be-even though there wasn't much there to begin with no thanks to Jesse St. James and his ability to impregnate teenage girls, Leroy and the sick perverted things he did to his daughter, and everyone else who ever hurt the poor girl.

Rachel looks old, much to old to be eighteen, instead she looked Shelby's age, but sad. She looks so sad.

"Would you like something to drink?" Rachel asks quietly and Shelby snaps out of her reverie.

"Yes, please, water," Shelby says clearing her suddenly dry throat.

She takes one last glance over at Beth who is playing quietly with the two other children when she notices the tiny little girl showing off one of her dolls. The little girl is small, much too small to be a two-year-old and she's absolutely gorgeous.

She walks into the kitchen and accepts the glass of water that Rachel hands her. She takes a sip letting the cool water trickle down her throat, killing some of her frazzled nerves in the process. She places the glass onto the counter and looks over to Rachel who's standing in front of the stove, her head bowed and her eyes cast downwards.

She frowns and turns her attention back to the children playing in the living room. Now the little girl is pretending to brush Beth's hair and Shelby smiles thinking of herself and her older sister as children. They'd had so much fun together as kids, they were barely a year apart and looked so much alike people assumed they were twins.

She smiles as Beth giggles and whispers something the smaller girl and when they both break out in matching smirks, Shelby's heart stops. She turns towards Rachel who's fidgeting with the sleeves of her dress.

"Rachel, how soon until they're two?" Shelby asks quietly.

"Four months," Rachel says, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Oh, so they're about the same age as Beth, she'll be three soon," Shelby smiles watching the two play happily.

Rachel doesn't respond. Inside she's dying and absolutely scared to death. She's counting down the seconds until Jesse comes home and she prays that whatever happens after Shelby leaves doesn't get in her way tonight.

Shelby sighs, it's obvious Rachel is uncomfortable with her here and until Jesse arrives, the least she can do is engage her daughter in some sort of conversation.

"Your son is quite the character isn't he?" she asks as she watches the little boy shoot his plastic gun at the girls who're completely ignoring him. Rachel shrugs and continues tugging at her sleeves.

Shelby taps her fingers against the marble counter, small talk is getting her nowhere. She wants to tell Rachel how sorry she is, she wants to beg for forgiveness and hold her daughter in her arms, but she can't even manage to get the girl to look at her.

"What's her name?" Shelby asks gesturing towards her granddaughter.

Rachel shifts and winces as if she's in physical pain. "Nova," she whispers quietly. "Her name is Nova."

Shelby smiles, Rachel couldn't have picked out a more perfect name. The little girl looks up in response to hearing her name and her green eyes lock with Shelby's, a cheeky little smile spread across her face and Shelby gasps. She knows that smile, she sees it everyday when she wakes her little girl up in the mornings. She looks back and forth from Nova to Beth and realizes she can only see two physical differences between the two girls, their hair color and their height. And then it hits her like a ton of bricks.

"Rachel," she gasps turning towards her daughter and for the first time, Rachel looks up at her.

She's literally taken aback by what she sees in her daughter's eyes. Her recent discovery is completely forgotten as she takes in Rachel's appearance. Aside from the bruises and cuts the girl's failed at covering, her eyes are completely dull and lifeless. They're filled with so much pain that Shelby has to literally clutch her chest to stop her pounding heart.

She reaches out a shaking hand to the girl and watches in horror as she flinches back and dashes for the nearest corner.

"Stay away from me," Rachel says hauntingly. "You threw me out, remember? You didn't want me anymore so you don't get to stand here and judge me." Her voice is harsh and low, nothing like the sweet baby girl she once knew. She shivers, this is not her Rachel, this girl's been possessed by someone evil, someone's who's had all the evil of the world thrown at them.

Tears spring to Shelby's eyes as Rachel growls at her from across the room. Her heart breaks for her daughter all over again.

"You don't get to pretend that everything is okay and that we're one big happy family because we're not. You removed me from you life two years ago so whatever it is you came back to find, it's gone."

"Rachel, I swear to you I didn't know. What has he done to you? My poor baby-

"Shut up," Rachel snaps and all three children stop their playing and turn their attention towards her. "I don't need your pity and I don't need you. I didn't ask you to come here and I'd rather I never saw you again. You don't have to pretend with me, Shelby, you got what you really wanted," she says as she points towards Beth. "I am not going to be made into a victim just because you've decided to show up after two years. I'm not your baby girl, I never was, you lost any right to call me yours when you threw me out. If you think I have any forgiveness for you in my heart then you're sadly mistaken and if it were up to me, you'd never set foot in my life again, yet alone my children's. In fact, I wish you were dead. You've made my life a living nightmare and the way I see it, you owe me. So when my boyfriend comes home, you're going to put those acting skills to the ultimate test and pretend this never happened. You're going to be completely oblivious to everything you've just found out, you owe me that much," She says and by the end of her rant, she's practically begging.

Shelby stands in the kitchen completely motionless, her hands gripping the countertop. She's fighting back sobs and she's loosing terribly. She's just about to grab Beth and leave when the elevator dings and in struts none other than Jesse St. James.

Immediately the two dark haired children stumble into the kitchen leaving behind a confused Beth and hide behind their mother, fear easily readable in their green eyes. Shelby watches as Rachel struggles to bend over and pick up her children, her face scrunched in pain as she heaves them up and holds them tightly, one on each hip.

She watches silently as Jesse enters the apartment, removing his shoes at the doorstep. "Hey babe, I'm home!" he says happily as Rachel's frown turns into a huge smile.

Shelby blinks and in one quick motion she dries her tears and plasters on a matching fake smile as she stands beside her physically shaking daughter. She's let Rachel down too many times, she's not about to add this to the list.

Jesse makes his way over to Rachel and kisses her on the cheek, tickling the two frowning children in her arms. She can't help but notice the way Rachel's eye twitches when he gets close to her, it's as if she's forcing herself not to react to him.

She also notices the way little Nova's chin wobbles when he closes in on them and she wonders if he's hurt the children as well. She knows she's got to get Rachel out of here, but she can't just call the cops and report it, she's got no proof and Rachel battered face isn't enough evidence to have the bastard arrested.

He then steps over to Shelby and wraps his arms around her and she fights the urge to knee him in the groin. "Shelby, it's been such a long time. How are you?"

"I'm well, thank you, Jesse," she says cooly.

"Well this little lady must be Beth," he says turning towards the blonde girl in the living room. "Aren't you precious?" he coos and Beth frowns. "So how's my little man doing?" he says taking the boy out of Rachel's arms and holding him in the air.

Immediately the boy starts crying, loud shrieking wails that make everyone in the room jump to attention.

"Momma!" the little boy cries and Jesse lowers him holding him at eye-level.

"What's the matter little man, you're not happy to see daddy?" he asks and the boy only cries louder, flailing his arms and legs about. Jesse purses his lips at the boy's reaction and Rachel's smile falls, her eyes widening in fear.

"He's had a bad day that's all, he wouldn't go down for his nap. He's just cranky," Rachel says quickly, her voice high and shaky.

She watches as he thrusts the little boy back into Rachel's arms and how her face crumbles and she cries out in pain. Immediately Shelby's eyes flash to Jesse's angry blue ones hidden behind his smile and something inside her snaps.

Rachel bites her lip as she struggles to keep ahold of her children while hunched over. She's obviously in pain and even though Jesse's action wasn't violent, it was still meant to hurt Rachel. Shelby backs away from the teenagers and stands closer to the stove, a plan formulating in her mind.

"Are you okay, Rachel?" she asks the girl.

"I'm fine," Rachel grits out as she glances at Jesse almost pleadingly.

"You seem hurt, is something wrong?" Shelby asks and Rachel narrows her eyes at her mother.

"She's clumsy," Jesse says as he fishes out a glass and pours himself something to drink. "Fell right out of bed in the middle of the night."

Shelby nods. "Is that how she got the black eye and the busted lip too?" she asks in an icy tone.

Jesse swallows as Rachel nods furiously. "It's nothing really, I had a nightmare and I fell out of bed," Rachel says frantically and Shelby sees right through the lie. She knows for a fact that Rachel can't sleep in a bed let alone next to someone.

"Oh, but what about the handprint on her cheek? Did she get that when she fell as well?" Shelby snaps.

"Shelby, please," Rachel whispers, but it falls on deaf ears.

Jesse laughs and rolls his eyes. "Honestly, Shelby, what the hell did you expect, to see two teenagers madly in love and raising their children together? This isn't the movies, it's real fucking life. You did this to her, if you would have just let me go to UCLA instead of threatening my career, your filthy whore of a daughter wouldn't be living this way," Jesse spits and before Shelby can control herself she's grabbed ahold of the skillet filled with the flaming hot sit-fry Rachel's prepared for dinner and beating Jesse over the head with it.

She hears Rachel screaming and babies crying, but she doesn't stop. The only thing she sees is the red burning in front of her eyes as she continues to beat him into unconsciousness.

"Do you have any idea what you've just done?" Rachel shrieks.

"Yes," Shelby pants, her anger raging as she watches him lie on the ground.

"H-he's going to kill me now, he's going to beat me to death because of you!" Rachel screams.

"No he isn't," Shelby says breathlessly as she searches for her purse. "You're not going to be here when he wakes up."

Rachel cries, burying her face in her children's necks. This isn't how things were supposed to end. She was supposed to be free and now she's going to die. Shelby can't get her out, nobody can. She's trapped and now she's going to suffer.

"Here, this is all I have. Take it," Shelby says thrusting the purse into Rachel's arms. "The accounts numbers are all there, take it all and go."

Rachel jumps away from Shelby and clutches her children as if they're her lifeline. "You think it's that easy? You think that when he wakes up, he won't come looking for me? You've ruined EVERYTHING!" Rachel screams.

"I'll handle it, please just go now before he does wake up," Shelby pleads, seconds away from shoving the girl out the door.

Rachel slumps to the ground in defeat. "I can't," she sobs. "He'll kill me."

"No, he won't ever lay a hand on you ever again, Rachel, I swear to you," Shelby says, trying to pull her daughter to her feet.

"Fuck you!" Rachel yells. "You and your empty promises can go to hell! You promised you'd protect me, you promised you'd never let anyone hurt me again and you literally handed me to the devil! I hate you! Get out, you've done enough!" Rachel screams through her tears.

She sits on the floor, clutching her children to her aching chest and she sobs. This is it, this is her last day with them because when he wakes up, she's dead.

Suddenly, the body next to her stirs and Jesse groans. Her vision goes blank and her throat completely closes, she can't breathe and every single muscle in her body goes slack. She's convinced for a second that she's dead until she hears Shelby on the phone with whom she assumes is the police.

Quickly, she finds herself moving towards the closet where her escape stash is hidden. She grabs the stroller and the duffel bag and sprints toward the elevator. She feels like she's having an 'out of body experience' because her brain is literally not connected to her body right now, she's running completely on autopilot and adrenaline.

She closes the elevator doors watching as Beth sits in the same spot in the living room, tears leaking down her chubby cheeks. Rachel's heart breaks for the baby and as much as she wants to save her from the chaos she's about to endure, she has more important things on her mind.

The elevator doors open when she's reached the bottom floor and before the teenager behind the desk can tear herself away from her magazine, she's out the door and running for her life.

She runs and runs until she can't possibly take another step and she collapses on the bench right outside the train station. Then and only then does she take a breath. She grabs Shelby's purse from the stroller and wordlessly hands over the money for the ticket and seconds later she's boarding the train, holding her children closely as they drift farther and farther away from the hell she was living.

She's free.

* * *

**Author's note: still no beta**

**Thank you to all of you who did review, it really makes me happy.**

**I apologize to those of you that are offended because Puck hasn't entered the picture yet, I promise he'll be here soon. His involvement in this story is crucial and I'm not going to rush to it.**

**Also, I apologize if this is too graphic for you, however, you were warned and this is a rewrite of a story I've previously written.**

**Check out the outfits on my profile, please.**

**Please review.**


	10. Back to Black

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: sensitive material**

* * *

_She's lying on his bare chest, one hand wrapped around his bicep and the other exploring the thin patch of hair that's recently begun to sprout below his navel. Even though they didn't have sex, they're naked anyway; the two of them lay contently on his bed in his messy room enjoying each other's company while his mother and sister are out for the day._

_She buries her face into his chest and tries to mold herself to him. This is where she's safe, this is her home. Ever since Leroy had snuck into her room three nights ago she's found every excuse to be with Noah or somewhere but that house. She doesn't consider it home anymore and she doesn't consider either of her fathers' parents anymore. Parents do not intentionally hurt their children . . .unless they deserve it. Did she deserve to be punished that way? She recalls her daddy's words, "__Just relax and enjoy it, Rachel, this is all you'll ever be good for."_

_Perhaps what he said is true, sex is the only thing she'd ever be good for. She shakes her head, even though she's barely thirteen she knows her place as a lady is not to please men, she'd learned about women's rights in history class. She's a firm believer that women can do anything men can do and believing that she's only good for sex goes against everything feminism stands for. And even with this knowledge and firm belief, she can't help but to dwell on it. There has to be a reason for Leroy's cruel actions and missing his partner just isn't a good enough excuse. She needs to know why Leroy raped her, why he used her, why he took away her dignity, and made himself superior to her. She needs an answer; she refuses to believe this is her fault any longer._

_She looks up at her boyfriend who's resting peacefully, his arms wrapped arm her midsection and his face buried in her hair._

"_Noah, can I ask you a question?" she whispers quietly._

_He blinks open his eyes in surprise. She hasn't spoken once since she crawled through his window this morning when he'd just been lying in bed enjoying his Sunday. Not even when he jumped up in surprise exposing his naked body, she simply stripped down and climbed in bed with him, snuggling against his newly formed muscles. In fact, it's been nearly three days since she's spoken to him and he's not entirely sure why. He thinks it might have something to do with what they did the day before her Bat Mitzvah, but he's too afraid to ask, he knows he won't be able to live with himself if she tells him that she regrets it. That night was so magical and so perfect for both of them, he's completely in love with her and if his worst fears are confirmed, he just might die._

_He sits up and she adjusts herself on top of him, suppressing a groan when her leg brushes against his hardening member. "Is this about what we did the other night?" he asks and he feels her nod against him. _

_He sighs, "I don't regret it, Rachel. I don't regret one minute of it, I love you and sharing that with you was beyond my wildest dreams. You know I'm not good with all that lovey-dovey shit, but that was just. . ." he trails off, running his hand through his strip of short hair. "You don't regret it, do you? I mean, I didn't pressure you did I? You were sure you wanted to do it, right? You did say you were ready, please tell me you wanted it as much as I did, I can't even think about hurting you that way."_

_Tears well up in her eyes, but she wipes them away before he sees. Of course she wanted it:, she wanted to be with him every minute of every day and being able to connect with him that way, being able to truly become __**one**__, was mind-blowing. This is her Noah, the young man who will protect her from anything, the one who took his time and made passionate sweet love to her, making each and every moment a memorable one. She loves this young man more than she's ever loved anything, more than Broadway, more than singing and music in general._

_She squeezes him tightly. "I love you, Noah, so much that it physically hurts sometimes, but that night is something I'll never regret. It was perfect, you're perfect, and I couldn't have imagined a better first time. You're my prince, Noah Puckerman, and being with you is like a fairytale. I'll never regret anything we do together, ever," she says._

_He releases a deep relieved breath and kisses her head softly. "Thank God, I just- I couldn't even imagine taking advantage of you, the thought just makes me sick."_

_She wipes the tears away. Her question is answered now, it all makes perfect sense. Her life with Noah is a fairytale and in fairytales something bad always happens to the princess before she can be with her prince. Either she's kidnapped or turned into animal, cursed with a wicked spell, or in Rachel's case, she's raped. Regardless of the evil the princess must face, she always finds her way back to her prince and that's why she's here with Noah. She's not naïve enough to believe that Leroy won't hurt her again, but at least now she knows why. She's a princess; a filthy, disgusting, whore of a princess, but a princess nonetheless. And she must endure the pain of living with Leroy before she can have her prince and live happily ever after._

"_What was your question?" he asks, running his hand down her back teasingly. She shivers and squirms against him, his touch not as welcome as it once was._

"_It doesn't matter, it wasn't that important," she mumbles as she snuggles in closer to her prince._

"_Babe," he says, slipping his fingers under her chin and forcing her to look into his molten hazel eyes. "You haven't spoken to me in over three days for reasons beyond my knowledge, whatever question you have must be pretty damn important or else you wouldn't have brought it up. You're forgetting that I know you, I can read you like a book and right now you've got something swimming around in that pretty little head of yours that's clearly upsetting you."_

_She frowns, she forgets how well he knows her, how well he pays attention to the little things she does, she forgets what a perceptive person he is and she's terrified that he'll find out about Leroy. He can't know, ever. No prince wants a tainted princess, no matter how much they love each other._

_She chews her lip, he's not giving up, he wants an answer and she doesn't have one for him. She glances down as his gloriously beautiful body and her eyes catch on the half-hard member between his legs and an idea hits. Maybe she can distract him, he's a sixteen-year-old boy after all, sex is always on his mind and they're already naked. She didn't intend on stripping down and mounting him, but she was just so desperate to feel him, to make sure that he was real and that he was there and that Leroy hadn't taken away her feeling as well as everything else._

"_Can we do it again?" she asks quietly. Maybe if she makes love to Noah she'll forget all about Leroy, maybe all she needs is to be with him and everything will be okay._

_He shakes his head, he must not be hearing her correctly. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"_

_She blushes as she runs her hands over his chest, feeling the soft bristly hair beneath her fingertips. She doesn't want to ask again, just the idea of having Noah somewhere Leroy has been sickens her, but she needs to know if he can make her better, if he can take away her pain. _

"_Will you make love to me, again?" she whispers against his ear._

_He groans and something inside her spikes. She runs her fingers down his newly defined abdominal muscles, her eyes widening as she watches his member react to each and every one of her touches. It's like she's in complete control over his body much like the way Leroy was over her and she likes it. She realizes how completely sick and twisted it is, but she doesn't care, she wants him. She wants to take complete control over him and gain back what she lost to Leroy._

_She begins sliding her hands all over his body all while he fists the sheets beneath him in his hands. She's touching him everywhere, except where he truly wants it, kissing his most sensitive places and it's driving him insane. She loves every minute of it, touching him and feeling him takes her mind off of her father touching her. _

_She can see the effect she has on him, the way his body reacts to her. His eyes are closed, eyebrows scrunched and a light sheen of sweat is forming across his forehead, each of his muscles flex under her fingertips and she kisses every part she can reach, his salty skin awakening all of her taste buds._

"_Rachel," he groans pitifully. "Please, babe, you're killing me." If it were any other situation, he would chastise himself for being such a pansy, but lying here with his dick as hard as a rock and his naked unbelievably gorgeous girlfriend on top of him, teasing him into oblivion is not one of them._

_She smiles and leans down, connecting their lips in a scorching kiss while she straddles him, her wet heat hovering only a few inches above his painfully hard member._

"_Babe," he moans in-between kisses, trying to guide himself inside her._

"_I love you, Noah," she whispers and if he weren't so completely focused on not blowing his load he might have caught the way she was trembling above him or the tears she was forcing back or the way her voice cracked._

_Deciding that he's had enough of her delicious torture he grabs her hips with his large hands and plants his feet against the mattress, rubbing his swollen cock again the lips of her sex. He groans loudly and throws his head back while Rachel freezes, her hands planted on his chest._

_The hands on her body feel way too close to Leroy's and the member brushing against her is making her sick. She's just about to pull away when a malicious voice rings in her head. _

"_**Take control,**__" the voice says. __**"Take control of him the way your daddy did to you. Don't be ashamed, it's what dirty little sluts like you do best."**_

_She shakes her head, but the voice is still there, haunting her, tormenting her. She wants control, she needs it and if having it this way can take her mind off of Leroy than she'll do it. Besides, it wasn't like Noah was complaining, the boy was so lost in love and pleasure he didn't even notice the tears streaming down her face. _

_She removes his hands from her hips, pinning them above his head where he cannot touch her. She doesn't want him to touch her, she doesn't want him to feel the filth that's permanently marked her body. Oddly enough she's okay with touching him, she suspects it's because when she touches him, she's in control. She can feel him without spreading her filth, but him touching her is too much for her. She decides to test this theory and slowly she lowers herself, taking him in her hand and sinks down on him, letting him stretch and fill her the way he's meant to._

"_Fuck, Rach," he hisses as he squeezes his eyes shut. "God, you feel so good, babe."_

_It's hurts when he's inside her, she's still sore from Leroy, but she welcomes the pain. It's different this time anyway, Noah is not trying to hurt her, and she knows he'd never intentionally hurt her. She wants to pleasure him, she wants desperately to reach that point where she can let go and forget about everything and her prince, her Noah._

_She begins moving on top of, letting his thrusting hips and moans guide her. She hears his words of admiration as he tells her how beautiful she is and how much he loves her, but her brain doesn't recognize it that way, the voice in her head completely overruling Noah's until all she can hear is Leroy._

"_**Take it, Rachel, take it all you disgusting whore. This is what you were meant for, this is all you'll ever be."**_

_She rides him harder, grinding her body against his in order to rid herself of the voice, but it only becomes stronger and the closer she gets to climax the more evil it becomes. She can't stop the tears pouring down her face and she digs her nails into his chest as she moves against him, pleasure begging to take over the wicked voice in her head._

_He doesn't know exactly what's gotten into Rachel, but at this point he doesn't really care. She's riding him without abandon and he's trying his hardest to pleasure her the way she deserves. He loves the girl on top of him and even though he knows something is up, he's not going to question it. Girls are complicated and he and Rachel have their whole lives ahead of them to figure things out, for now he just wants to worship her and treat her like the princess she is._

_The voice fades away and she's left falling, crashing through waves and waves of pleasure better than anything she's ever felt. She hears both herself and Noah scream their orgasms together before she collapses on top of him, her tears blending with the sweat on his chest._

"_That's was fucking amazing, babe," he pants as he runs his fingers through her hair._

_She winces but doesn't pull away. This is Noah, her Noah, her prince. He's the boy that makes her feel beautiful when she's not, holds her when she cries, and keeps her safe when evil is after her. She feels awful for what she's just done, for taking control over her boyfriend and the dopey grin on his face makes her feel even guiltier. She wants to come clean and tell him all about Leroy, but she can't risk losing him._

_After all, he's her prince and she's going to fight like hell to get her happy ending. Even if she nearly kills herself in the process._

She wakes with a start, jumping up and scanning her surroundings. Her stomach rolls with nausea, her head pounds, and her ribs ache, but she swallows it down and breathes a sigh of relief when she realizes where she is. She's on a train with her children sleeping peacefully on her lap, the train's continuous engine soothing them in their slumber.

She sighs and run a hand through her messy hair as memories of the previous night come flashing before her eyes. She removes a hand from her son's back and uses it to suppress the sob of pure happiness. She did it, she's free. After all of the pain and anguish, she's finally free to find her prince. Of course, she doesn't expect him to be with her or even love her after what she did to him, hell, he may not even want to look at her after he sees how truly disgusting and damaged she is, but she has to try. She has no one else besides her children and they deserve better.

She's startled by one of the attendants who offers her a tissue and tells her they'll be arriving at their location in a matter of minutes. The attendant stares in horror at Rachel and for a moment she's offended until she remembers that the make-up covering her face has probably worn off by now and all her bruises are on display. The filth that she tries so hard to hide is now open for the world to see. She takes the tissues and sits up, wiping away her tears, slowly waking her children who wipe their tired eyes and look around in confusion.

She smoothes out her son's wrinkled pants and adjusts the red-checkered bow tie around his neck. She can't help but smile, he's just too cute in his little vest, and thinks he looks like a little man, handsome and sophisticated. She runs her hands through his hair in attempt to calm the unruly mess, but as usual it sticks straight up. She holds him close and plants a big wet kiss on both toddlers' cheeks as the train rolls to a stop.

"This is it, babies. This is our new life," she whispers.

* * *

Her son grips her dress tightly and her daughter buries her face in her neck as she stands on the front porch, too afraid to move. The cab driver brings up her duffel bag and drives off before she has a chance to back out and before she knows it she's standing alone in a place she once considered home.

The house seems quiet and for a moment she thinks that no one is home, but it's nearly ten in the evening and she desperately needs somewhere to stay. Slowly, she reaches forward, one hand holding her daughter against her and the other reaching forward to knock on the door. Almost immediately the door is thrown open and she's met with a pair of familiar hazel eyes.

The girl scrunches her eyebrows together in deep thought before she takes a step back and opens her mouth. "Rachel?" she whispers quietly.

Rachel smiles softly and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear with her free hand, she lifts Nova higher on her hip ignoring the stab of pain she feels in her ribs. "Hi, Bekah, I hope I'm not disturbing anything, I was wondering if I could maybe come in for a bit?" she asks quietly.

"Fuck, Rachel, it is you!" she exclaims, shaking her head in excitement. "Hey, Ma!" she yells into the house. "Come here, you'll never fucking guess who's at the door!"

Her children's eyes widen as the girl steps aside and a larger woman stands in front of the door, wiping her hands on a towel. "Rebekah Puckerman, I've told you a million times to stop yelling in the house and if I hear one more swear word from you I'll . . ." she trails off as she comes face to face with green eyes identical to her own.

"Hi," Nova says shyly to the woman who's openly gaping at her.

Her son tugs her dress and Rachel clears her throat, drawing the older woman's attention. "Hi, Deborah, I know it's been a while, but I was wondering if we could talk, Noah isn't here by any chance is he?" she asks quietly.

Deborah stands in front of her door, her mouth opening and closely like a fish. "Ma!" Rebekah yells, getting the older woman's attention. "It's Rachel Fucking Berry, I told you she'd come back!"

The oldest brunette shakes her head. "My God, Rachel Berry," she whispers and before she stop it, her and Nova are being pulled into a bone crushing hug while her son stands on the porch, his mouth wide open. Rachel tries her hardest not to pull away and after a while she realizes she doesn't want to.

"Come on in, have a seat," she says, pulling the trio into the house. "Are you hungry? Thirsty? I'm warming up dinner now, I just got off work," she says, a huge smile across her face. "I just can't believe you're back and who are these two, they're just adorable," she coos as she tickles Nova's belly and to Rachel's complete shock, the little girl lets her.

"I bet they're hungry too. Rebekah!" she barks at the teenager. "Make yourself useful and get our guests something to drink, there's juice in the refrigerator."

She turns her attention back to Rachel and the babies, frowning when she realizes the marks covering the small girl's face. She's tempted to just come right out and ask, subtly has never been a strong point for her, but she doesn't want to scare the girl away, she looks fragile enough as it is.

"Ms. Puckerman, I hope I'm not intruding and I know it's rather late, but I'm looking for Noah," Rachel says, the exhaustion written in her eyes.

"Noah isn't here Rachel," Deborah says slowly. "He's at Ohio State now, he got a football scholarship and he's been there ever since."

Rachel's face falls. Of course he's not here, it's been two and a half years for crying out loud, she knew he went away for school, but she didn't realize he'd still be away. That he would move on and have another life, on that didn't include her.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Puckerman, I don't know what I was thinking coming here. I just wanted to tell him and part of me knew he wouldn't be here and I just. . ." she trails off, biting her lip to keep back the tears. "I'll just be on my way," she says taking her son's hand as she heads for the door.

"Now you wait just a minute," Deborah says as she blocks Rachel's path. "I haven't seen you in two years and now you show up at my doorstep beaten to a pulp with two kids and no explanation? I don't think so young lady; you owe me more than that. I want the truth and I want it now."

Rachel gulps, teas spilling down her eyes. "I c-can't, you'll h-hate me."

Deborah sighs, "Rachel you broke my son's heart four years ago for no reason and I do not hate you. You caused him so much pain that he ended up impregnating some blond cheerleader that he didn't love and I do not hate you. You left Lima without a single goodbye knowing how much we care about you and I do not hate you. Rachel, you have destroyed my Noah and turned him into this bitter Puck character that only calls on holidays and never visits and I still do not hate you. I can never hate you because there was a time when my son couldn't go a day without seeing you, a second without talking about you, or a time when he wasn't thinking about you."

"You should hate me, everybody else does. Why don't you hate me?" Rachel cries.

"Hate is such a strong word, Rachel. I strongly dislike the choices you've made and the person my son has become, but I don't hate you. It's not possible to hate the people you love," Deborah says as she rubs Rachel's back soothingly.

"Why don't you have a seat and let the children rest while you and I talk, it's been so long, but there hasn't been one single day when I didn't think of you."

Rachel carefully lowers herself into the chair across from the couch, wincing at her protesting ribs. She tucks her daughter into the corner while her son climbs into her lap, resting his head against her chest.

Deborah plops down on the couch facing Rachel. "How's your family?" she says and Rachel stiffens. "The last I heard your father, Leroy, was in prison, what happened?"

She notices the way the girl freezes at the mention of her family and how the empty look in her eyes became one filled with pain and sadness. She quickly changes the topic, "Never mind that, why don't you tell me who these precious babies are?"

She reaches her arms out towards the little girl in the corner who surprisingly holds her chubby arms out as well. Rachel lifts the tiny girl into her arms and almost immediately she cuddles to the older woman as if she's known her for years.

"This is my daughter, Nova," Rachel says proudly as the little smiles as Deborah.

"She's gorgeous, Rachel. You always did have a thing for stars, didn't you?" she asks.

Rachel nods, "Yes, but I choose the name because of its Latin root meaning 'new'," Rachel says.

"She's a mini super Nova, isn't she? I bet she's gonna be a star someday. How old is she?" Rebekah asks as she brings in two cups filled with apple juice.

"They'll be two in a few months," Rachel says as her son climbs off her lap and into Rebekah's, taking the cup of juice and drinking it down, but not before spilling half of it all over the teenager. Rachel gives her an apologetic glance, but the teenager only shrugs.

"They're twins?" Deborah asks, comparing the size difference between the two.

"Yes, they were a miracle believe it or not. There were some complications with the pregnancy, but they're okay now, both very healthy," Rachel says.

"What's this cutie's name?" Rebekah says, wiping the spilled juice from her shirt and ruffling the boy's hair.

Rachel sighs, she knew this was going to be difficult. "His name is Noah," she says quietly. "Noah Aiden Puckerman."

* * *

**Author's note: Beta read by ameliaapond **

**Please check out the outfits on my profile.**

**Please review.**


	11. The Truth Hurts

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: sensitive material, adult audience only**

* * *

"_His name is Noah," she says quietly. "Noah Aiden Puckerman." _Rachel says and the room goes quiet, even her son's constant babbling stops as he looks around at everyone's confused face.

The only noise in the room is Rachel's labored breathing. She's almost positive that coming here was a huge mistake and the silence in the room is eating at her, adding more nerves to her already churning stomach.

After a moment of recollection, Deborah smirks an all too familiar smirk. "Well, at least it suits him, right Bekah?" she jokes. "And it's a strong Jewish name."

"Ma?" Rebekah says in confusion, looking the boy in her lap up and down. "You know what that means, right?"

Deborah scoffs, "Of course I know what it means, Rebekah, I've known he was Noah's son from the minute he walked in the door. He's the spitting image of No' at that age, I was waiting for Rachel to confess."

"Ms. Puckerman, I didn't mean to offend you or spring this on you and I'm sorry for hiding it for so long, but I didn't have a choice and-"

Deborah holds up her hand and Rachel stops mid-sentence. "It doesn't matter, Rachel, what matters is that you're here now and that you've brought my Jewish grandbabies and you've given them such strong names," she smiles as she plants a big kiss on Nova's cheek who blinks up at the woman before smiling widely. "I always knew one day you'd have his children."

"Y-you're not mad?" Rachel asks timidly, her head swirling with emotions. This was entirely too much for her to handle, from the awful morning she'd had, to a disastrous dinner, to an unexpected escape, and now this? She doesn't know if she can handle this.

"Mad?" Deborah repeats as she shakes her head. "No, I'm not mad. Disappointed, yes. You kept my family from me, Rachel. From Rebekah, Noah, and me. I'm assuming he doesn't know am I correct?"

Rachel nods, keeping her head bowed to hide her shame. "I tried and I know I'm a horrible person for doing this, but you have to believe I had good reasons."

Deborah nodded, "I'm sure you did, Rachel, and I can't wait to hear all of them and an explanation as to why you left."

Rachel pales and swallows back bile, _this _is what she cannot handle. She's barely escaped her old life and already the filth that's embedded into her skin is making an appearance in front of the people she cares about the most. How is she supposed to tell them why she left? She can't lie, not to them, they mean too much to her and she can't live with that type of guilt. She fights the nausea churning in her stomach, if they find out what kind of sick disgusting person she really is, they won't want anything to do with her or her children, but it's a sacrifice she has to make, they deserve the truth.

Deborah watches the girl across form her fidget and wince while having an inner-battle with herself. She knows that whatever happened to Rachel in the past four years she wasn't with Noah was bad to the point where the girl couldn't even think about it without showing physical displeasure.

She knows Rachel will talk eventually and that the sooner she knows what's going on the sooner she can help. She does know that the girl needs to get to a hospital, she's ungodly pale, trembling, and appears to have some sort of injury around her chest area. It could be just a mother's intuition or the twenty-five years she's spent as a nurse, but she has a feeling Rachel's not going to go for an examination willing. Not with injuries like the ones she has. Black eyes, busted lips, and visible handprints are all signs of abuse. There's no way Rachel's been treated for them without anyone asking questions.

She sighs deeply and turns towards her daughter. "Bekah, why don't you take the children and their things upstairs for a while and have some playtime until they fall asleep, they look pretty tired," she says gesturing to Nova's steadily drooping eyes.

"It's okay, Ms. Puckerman, I can do it," Rachel cringes as she stands to take her son from Rebekah. "They're really not used to being around strangers and-

"Sit down, Rachel," Deborah interrupts sternly. "They're not with strangers, they're with family and Rebekah is perfectly capable of doing it. You and I are going to have some dinner and talk while they're upstairs and you're going to give me the explanation I deserve."

Rachel gulps and nods, lowering herself in the chair as quickly as she can without causing herself any pain. She watches as Rebekah leads the toddlers up the stairs with Nova only looking back at her mother once before following her brother and her aunt.

She turns towards Deborah only to have a plate full of food shoved into her lap. She's about to protest, but the look in the woman's fiery green eyes shuts her up immediately.

Rachel begins picking at her food taking a few small bites before hunger takes over and she digs in, shoveling bite after bite into her mouth. She hadn't realized how hungry she was with everything that happened today and this is the first meal she's had in years that she didn't cook herself.

She cleans the entire plate all while Deborah sits across from her with her arms folded and a smug look on her face. "There's plenty more, would you like some?"

"No, thank you," Rachel says quietly, wiping her mouth with her napkin. She's not feeling very well and she's not sure if it's her anxiety over their upcoming conversation or the food she'd practically inhaled.

"Maybe later, after you tell me why you're here and why you left and how in the world I have two year old grandchildren when you and Noah have been apart for nearly four," she says with a raised eyebrow.

Rachel opens her mouth, but the words won't come out. If she tells then she risks losing one of the few people she can trust. Almost as if the older woman is reading her mind, she leans forward and places a warm hand on Rachel's knee and to Rachel's surprise she doesn't feel the urge to pull away from it.

"You can trust me, Rachel. I will never judge you no matter what you do or say to me, you'll always be the little girl from Lima with a big heart and a big voice." she whispers and Rachel looses it.

She breaks down, the weight of the past six years beating down on her as she cries. She cries into Ms. Puckerman's lap not even caring that the woman's holding her, it's comforting and right now it's exactly what she needs. She cries for everything she's lost, for everything that had been taken, and for everything she's about to tell. She cries for Hiram and Leroy, for Shelby, Noah, and even for Jesse because she realizes that after all this time, she's never once cried for them. She's cried _because _of them, but never for them. She cries for her children and the life she'd subjected them to at such a young age, but lastly she cries for herself.

She sobs for what feels like hours until she physically cannot sob anymore, only traces of tears fall down her battered face and the entire time Deborah holds her, rubbing her back and kissing her hair and promising that everything will be okay.

It takes her a while to realize Rachel is no longer crying, but is in fact talking, her voice barely above a raspy whisper. "It started when I was twelve," she sniffles. "I tried to stop him, I begged him not to, but I was too weak."

Deborah stiffens. Twelve? That didn't seem right, Rachel was still with Noah at the age of twelve, she was still happy then or so she thought. She realizes the girl is struggling to form her next sentence so she lightly kisses her forehead and whispers words of comfort in her ear.

"The first time it happened was the night of my Bat Mitzvah. It was awful and I tried to ignore it, but it was eating me alive and it didn't happen again for a few weeks and then not for a few months and then again on my first day of high school. I didn't know what to do and I didn't tell anyone, but it just . . .it hurt so bad and I couldn't tell Noah, he would hate me. I pushed it aside, but he knew something was wrong. It hurt to be with him, so I broke up with him," Rachel says.

Deborah sighs and runs her hand over her face. Question after question is firing in her brain. She wants nothing more than to interrogate the girl like she does with her own children when she needs answers, but she can't. Not when Rachel is hurt and upset, she refuses to be one of the people that have hurt the poor girl.

She takes a deep breath and speaks calmly. "What happened, Rachel?"

"Leroy," Rachel whispers as she squeezes her eyes shut.

"The one that's in prison now?" she asks and Rachel nods.

"He touched me. I was only twelve and h-he _raped_ me," Rachel says in disbelief and she realizes it's the first time she'd ever said it out loud.

She holds back her tears as she urges Rachel to continue. "I was so confused and so hurt and I just . . .I felt so dirty all the time. He'd tell me that I deserved it and that I was a whore and I believed him. He heard us the night that Noah and I made love, we didn't plan on it, but it just felt so right and even though I was so young, I didn't care. I lost my virginity at twelve years old and the next day my father raped me."

Deborah doesn't say anything, her face remaining stoic and Rachel takes a faltering breath before continuing her story. "He continued to rape me for two years and I never said a word of it to anyone. Being with Noah became harder and harder, he wanted more from me and I couldn't give it to him. I didn't want him to touch me, I didn't want _anyone_ to touch me. I just felt so dirty, so _used_ and so _filthy_, that I couldn't imagine being with Noah any longer, he deserved better" she pauses and notices how deep lines have appeared in the older woman's forehead and how her eyes are closed.

Rachel frowns, her suspicions have been confirmed. She knew telling Deborah about her past would only disgust the woman and the fact that she can't even stand to look at her proves it.

Rachel shakes her head in grief, she's learned she's not wanted a long time ago, she only had a glimmer of hope that Deborah would be willing to help her, but seeing the way the woman is reacting to the truth tells her that she's on her own. Slowly she stands up, trying not to agitate her ribs and makes her way to the stairs.

"What are you doing, Rachel?" Deborah calls, stopping her before she can climb the first stair.

"It was wrong of me to come her and worry you with my problems, I'm sorry for intruding. I'll just get the children and I'll be on my way," Rachel says softly, her eyes directed to the floor.

"Rachel, what has gotten into you? I thought we were making progress?" The older woman says, tears leaking down her face.

"You don't want to hear the rest, I've already made you upset and I haven't even told you half of the story. I can see how disgusted you are with me and trust me, I do understand why because I feel this way everyday of my life, but I will not sit and pretend that you want me here because I know you don't. I don't belong here, you all are good and pure and I'm not. I was wrong to come here, I don't deserve your help," Rachel says and before she can take another step the same warm hand is on her shoulder, but this time she does jump back.

Deborah stands in shock; her hand hovering over the area where Rachel's shoulder was only the girl isn't there anymore. Instead, she's huddled into the corner with her hands held in front of her face like she's blocking a hit. The girl is crying hysterically and Deborah is amazed she even has any tears left at this point. She wants to help her, to pull her into her arms and never let her go, but she knows it's not a good idea and judging by the way the girl reacted to one touch, she's guessing Rachel hasn't had anyone to comfort her in a long, long time.

She lowers her hand and rolls her shoulders back, deciding to let the girl deal with whatever just happened on her own. She's seen enough cases like this at the hospital and she knows right now, Rachel just needs to calm herself.

"Rachel," she says softly, startling the sobbing brunette. "I'm not going to hurt you, I would never do that. I'm going to go check on the children and make us some tea and when you're ready, I'd like you to finish your story. You do not disgust me in fact it's the opposite. I'm on awe of you, Rachel, you've been through so much and yet you've managed to take care of your children at such a young age. I'm going to help you in anyway I can, but you've got to trust me."

She's almost sure she sees Rachel nod slightly, but she's not one hundred percent sure the girl even heard one word through her tears. She heads into the kitchen and turns on the kettle before making her way upstairs where she finds a sleeping Nova in the center of her daughter's bed and Rebekah and little Noah engrossed in a videogame of some sort.

"Dude, you're on my team, you're not supposed to kill me! You're supposed to kill them, they're the bad guys!" Rebekah pouts as she throws down her controller.

"Bad!" Noah says, pointing at the television.

"Yes, exactly. Kill them, not me."

"Nobody should be killing anybody," Deborah says as she scoops the sleeping girl into her arms and cuddles her close.

"It's just a game, Ma, nobody's getting hurt," Rebekah rolls her eyes and as much as Deborah wants to scold her daughter for rolling her eyes yet again, she can't pull herself away from the sleeping baby in her arms.

She gently strokes her index finger over the little girl's chubby freckled cheek and watches her thick dark lashes flutter open to reveal tired green eyes. She's completely in love with this little girl and in all her years she never thought being a grandmother would be even better than being a mother. It's like she's getting a second chance, a chance to help her children not make the same mistakes she did with them, but if she's completely honest, she's mostly excited about spoiling these two rotten.

She's so much like a tiny Rachel. The thick curly hair, the big doe eyes, the full pouty lips, but the nose is all Noah's. She's slightly relieved, as much as she loves her Jewish heritage, she's not fond of the way the majority of her family, including herself, was teased because of it. She was blessed when both of her children had inherited their father's noses.

What shocks her the most though is the little girl's bright green eyes, the same color that had been passed down from her grandmother, to her mother, and finally to herself. It seemed the gene had skipped a generation with her children, but both of her grandchildren had them and she couldn't have been happier.

The little girl fidgets in her arms, clearly upset at being woken from her sleep. "Hi, Nova," Deborah whispers and the little girl smiles.

Deborah's heart melts at the dimpled grin on her granddaughter's face. "I'm Debbie, your grandmother, but you can call me Nana."

Nova's grin turns into a confused frown. She's not entirely sure what a 'Nana' is, but she knows she likes this woman. She's warm like her Momma and she smells like her favorite sugar cookies.

"Nana?" she says aloud, testing out the word.

Deborah beams, hearing it sounds even more beautiful that she'd imagined, but before she can ask the little girl to say it again she's already dosing off into dreamland.

She lays her granddaughter back in Rebekah's bed and tells her daughter that she has ten minutes before she has to get ready for school tomorrow and go to bed. She makes her way downstairs the smile on her face fading when she sees Rachel's tiny figure sitting in the chair across from the couch, a cup of tea in her shaking hands and tear tracks shining on her bruised face.

She lowers herself onto the couch and grabs the cup sitting on the coffee table, taking a huge sip and letting the herbal essence calm her nerves.

"I didn't know how you take it so I made it like mine, I hope you don't mind," Rachel says timidly and Deborah waves her off. Rachel takes another sip before clearing her throat. "I suppose I owe you an apology."

"For what?" Deborah asks.

"For everything. For breaking your son's heart, for leaving without saying goodbye, for making you think that you didn't mean anything to me when you all were the only family I ever had. For hiding your grandchildren from you and showing up uninvited and for acting the way I just did," Rachel whispers. "I know I owe you an explanation, but you have to understand that the things I'm telling you, I've never told anyone. I've never even said the words out loud. I've been haunted by Leroy for the past six years and even though he's put away I can't shake the fear I'm living with."

"After I broke up with Noah, I needed an outlet. Everything became too much and I wanted to give up. Leroy would come home intoxicated late at night and sneak into my room," she stops and wipes away a stray tear. "I didn't understand what I had done to deserve what he did to me, I didn't have anybody to turn to because I'd pushed away the only people who cared. I just needed a way out and by accident I found it," she pauses and lifts the sleeve of her dress revealing blood soaked bandages.

Deborah gasps as the girl slowly pulls them away, revealing jagged red lines across her wrist and forearm.

"At the time this was all I had. It was the only escape, the only way I could have control over something. The kids at school were so cruel to me and the only reason I could figure out why was to blame Leroy for everything he had done to me, for making me the way I am."

"The way you are?" Deborah asks in confusion.

"Dirty. Slut. Filthy. Whore. Worthless. Disgusting," Rachel recites from the painful words from memory.

"Rachel, honey, you are none of those things. What your father did to you was wrong, where was Hiram during all of this?" Deborah asks.

Rachel shrugs, pain shoots through her midsection and she struggles to hide it. "At first it was a business trip in Pennsylvania. Then Nebraska, Delaware, Connecticut, and then he was gone for good. I used to beg him to stay home, to keep Leroy away from me, but I wasn't good enough for him to stay."

Deborah sighs and places her hand over Rachel's. "Sweetheart, you know that's not true."

Rachel shakes her head and pulls her hand away, she knows the truth, and she knows why Hiram left her. It's the same reason everyone else left her, she just doesn't deserve them. She slowly sits back in the worn chair and continues her story. She doesn't want to hear Deborah's lies, they hurt too much.

"I was on my own for a year or so before I met Shelby. I'd met a student of hers a while before in a music store and unknowingly, he lead me right to her," Rachel closes her eyes, she doesn't want to think about Shelby or Jesse and what they did to her, but she needs to hear the words out loud before she can begin to forgive them because deep down she knows that's what she needs to do.

"When I first met her, I thought everything would be perfect. That she'd save me from Leroy and we'd go live together in New York and everything would be perfect. I thought I could finally forget about the past and before I knew what was happening she was telling me she didn't want me and that I wasn't what she was looking for," Rachel's eyes water and she furiously wipes away the tears. She doesn't want this to affect her as much as it does, but after everything she'd been through having her very own mother basically tell her she wasn't good enough hurt her the most.

"I only remember running out of the auditorium in tears, I was completely devastated. The only thing on my mind at that point was cutting. It was my only way out, hearing Shelby tell me that she didn't want me felt worse anything Leroy had ever done to me. She didn't even know me, she knew nothing about me, but she didn't want me. It was like she could see it, like she could see how physically disgusting I was. That had to be the only reason she didn't want me. I still don't understand why she came back for me," she says in disbelief.

"She came back for you? Is she the one that put Leroy in prison?" Deborah asks.

Rachel frowns. "Yes, she's the one who called the police and helped me through the trial. After that she was given custody of me and I went to live with her, even though she never wanted me."

Deborah shakes her head and runs her fingers through her hair in frustration, tears burning at the back of her eyelids. "Why didn't you come to me, Rachel? Why didn't you let us help you, Noah would've given his life to keep you safe, he loved you so much and you kept this all from him, from us. You were family, Rachel; family doesn't do that to each other. I would've taken you in, I would've put that bastard in jail the first time he ever laid a finger on you. I was supposed to be your mother, Rachel, why didn't you come to me?"

"It wasn't that easy, Deborah. It's not that I didn't trust you, it's that I didn't want to hurt you. I was hurting Noah so much when we were together because I couldn't love him the way he loved me, not after what Leroy did. I wasn't worthy of his love or yours. I'm sick, Deborah. I'm sick and twisted and disgusting and worthless and-

"Stop!" Deborah says sternly. "You're sick for even thinking those things, Rachel, how could you ever believe that we would think those things of you? We loved you, we still do. You don't do that to the people you love."

Rachel shakes her head; this is exactly what she didn't want to happen. She didn't want to have Deborah thinking she was innocent when she wasn't. She could have stopped her father had she only tried harder. She could have told someone if she wasn't ugly and annoying and actually had friends to tell. And she could have come to Ms. Puckerman had she been able to be loved back then, but she wasn't, she still isn't. That was all taken from her the night she was raped of her dignity and her virtues.

Deborah sighs and stares at the girl in front of her. She knows not a single word sunk in and whatever Rachel's warped thoughts are will completely outbid anything she says. The girl in front of her is broken. Physically, she can see that, but mentally and emotionally is different. This girl is no longer the Rachel Berry that used to chase her son around the house and force him into tea parties. This isn't the Rachel Berry who put on impromptu talent shows and believed she was the best at everything. This girl is not the same little girl who loved her son unconditionally and was destined to become the next Mrs. Puckerman. This girl is not the little girl she watched grow up, this is not Rachel Berry, it can't be.

She leans forward in her chair making heavy eye contact with sad, empty brown eyes. "Believe what you want, Rachel. I'm here for you and I always will be. Tell me what happened."

Rachel closes her eyes as the memories come flooding back.

_She's only focused on one thing at this point and it's getting as far away from Shelby Corcoran and as close to her razor blade as possible. She's completely devastated, all the hopes, dreams, and fantasies of her mother she's created from the time she was a little girl were ripped away from her like everything in her life all because she isn't good enough._

_She could see the disappointment on Shelby's face, she sees it everywhere. She should have tried harder to be better and then maybe Shelby would have wanted to be in her life. She should have practiced more and become a better singer. She should have worked harder in dance class and become a better dancer. She should push aside her fear and hatred of Mr. Schuester and rejoin the glee club and become the star again. She should forget about her father and get back together with Noah and be a better girlfriend. She should really just become better at life in general, but she's fucked up everything so badly she doesn't even know where to start._

_The only thing she can see in her mind is the disappointment and disgust in Shelby's eyes. It's almost as if the image of her mother's cinnamon eyes are burned into her memory as a cruel reminder of how much she's not wanted. She wants the image gone and she only knows one way to get it out, to get it all out. _

_She barges into her house not even bothering to close the door behind her and heads up to her bathroom where her razor blade is hidden. She's in such desperate need for release that she doesn't even see the dark-skinned man sitting on her mattress. She walks into the bathroom and starts rummaging through her medicine cabinet looking for her escape in the form of a little piece of metal._

"_Looking for this?" a deep voice startles her and she practically jumps ten feet, spilling all the contents from the cabinet on the floor with a noisy clatter._

_She spins towards the direction of the voice and finds Leroy standing in the doorway of her ensuite bathroom holding up the object she so dreadfully needs between his two fingers._

"_Daddy," she whispers in shock, unconsciously taking a few steps away from him. "W-what are you doing home so early?"_

_He smirks, "Early? It's nearly eight-thirty in the evening, Rachel. I think the real question is why are you so late?"_

"_I'm sorry, I was supposed to meet Jesse at Carmel and I-" she stops and clamps her mouth shut, not daring to mention Shelby's name to her father. Her heart beings beating frantically in her chest as he walks towards her, the blade resting just at arm's level. He lifts his hand and dangles the blade across her face, watching as her eyes follow it to and fro as if her life literally depends on it. He smiles, he could have some fun with this._

_He steps closer to her and presses the blade against her collarbone, not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to make her breathing increase to the point of hyperventilation. He drags it over her clavicles and down in-between the crack of her breasts. _

_Through her panic, she's able to see where this is going and before she can run, he's got a hand around her throat and a sickeningly dark look in his eyes._

"_You were out screwing your little boyfriend weren't you?" he snaps and she shakes her head furiously despite the fact that he's got an iron grip around her neck. "You can spend all night fucking him, but what about you dear ol' daddy, huh? Don't you think I want to spend time with you too?" _

_Tears well up in her eyes and before she has a chance to react he tosses her to the floor and grips her hair in one hand, the other pulling furiously at her shirt. Buttons scatter across the tiled floor as her shirt is ripped from her body, leaving her in her plaid skirt, white cotton bra, knee socks, and black buckle shoes._

_She holds in the tears as he lifts her up by her hair and drags her into the bedroom, tossing her against the nearest wall where she slams against her bookshelf, knocking it to the ground. Pain shoots up her spine as the edge of the heavy wooden shelf weighs down on top of her. It's even heavier than Leroy and she can't get from underneath of it. The contents of the shelf spill out in front of her, all her albums and CDs lying broken and scattered around the floor._

"_Daddy," she manages in a struggling voice. "Help me, please."_

_He pacing the floor angrily, not bothering to paying any attention to his daughter struggling for life a few feet away. He stops when she addresses him and glares at her, his haunting eyes boring into her crippled frame._

"_Now you want my help?" he snaps, continuing his pacing. He runs his fingers through his graying, unruly hair. "You didn't want me before when you were off being a slut for your boyfriend."_

"_I'm sorry, daddy," she chokes, as she tries to move herself into a position that allows her to breath better. "I'm sorry for disobeying you, I was wrong and I'll never do it again. Daddy, please help me, I can't breathe," she gasps._

_He completely ignores her plea and instead walks towards her desk where in one quick sweep he tosses all of her belongings onto the ground, most of them shattering and breaking right before her. He turns to her, his eyes blazing._

"_When will you learn, Rachel?" he spits as he kicks a framed photo of herself and Hiram across the room. "When will you learn that you're nothing?"_

"_Daddy," she cries, chocking on her sobs. The bookshelf is pressing her against the ground tightly, preventing her form taking in oxygen and she knows it's only a matter of time before she can no longer breathe._

"_Shut up!" he hisses. "You just don't understand, do you? All of this," he says motioning around the room. "It's a lie. You don't deserve any of it, you don't even deserved to be treated like the trash in the alley, that's how disgusting you are."_

_His words hurt, but it's nothing she hasn't heard before. She's ready to give up, to stop fighting for her life and just let the bookshelf suffocate her to death, at least then the pain will stop._

_He continues around the room, throwing and breaking things. Her mirror, her computer, her iPod, and even her radio and karaoke machine lie in broken piles across her pink carpet, but she's much too tired to care, she's loosing the fight for her life and watching him destroy the last of her possessions is the final stab in her heart. She knows she's going to die. _

_She can hear him talking, but she can't understand his words, the blood pounding in her head and ears is too loud for her to be able to focus on anything else. Against her will, her eyes begin to slip closed and her body stops moving. She knows it's wrong, but she smiles anyway because she's finally getting her permanent escape, she doesn't care that she'll probably rot in hell for the rest of her life because anything is better than this life. Anything is better than being forced to sleep with you father._

_He's absolutely furious that she's not responding to his outrage, he wants her to cower in fear the way she usually does, but instead she's lying motionless under the bookshelf, her face hidden by her dark hair._

_He smirks; perhaps he should take it to the next level. He walks towards the giant "Wicked" poster that hangs above her bed and rips it from the wall, tearing the paper into tiny shreds. "You don't need this anymore, you're not going to make it anyway. A talentless, worthless, slut like you doesn't belong on Broadway."_

_He turns towards her and notices a small smile on her face and before he can stop himself he's shredding every poster in her room until he's panting and shaking with rage. "You think this is funny, Rachel!" he screams, tossing the bits of paper into the air. "You did this! You caused yourself all of this pain! It's your entire fault Hiram is gone, you took my husband from me and I will make sure you pay for it!"_

_He turns towards her, expecting to see her crying and begging for forgiveness and when he's met with the pale blue face of his daughter, he feels his blood begin to boil. He stalks toward her and lifts the bookshelf from on top of her, pulling her up by her hair and tossing her on top of the mattress, where her limp body sprawls out._

"_Wake up!" he yells as he pounces on her, slapping her across the face. "Wake your pathetic little ass up, you little fucking slut!" he yells as he slaps he repeatedly until her eyes blink open._

_Dazed and confused she tries to sit up when she notices Leroy on top of her, pinning her down with his body while his hands worked on his belt buckle. Weakly, she tries to push against him, but she knows it's no use._

_She sighs and lies back down on the grimy mattress closing her eyes tightly to keep back the tears. She had honestly thought she was going to die today and as scary as the concept of death seemed to other people, she'd been looking forward to it._

_She doesn't move as he undoes her skirt and pushes her panties aside and she doesn't even breathe when he forces himself inside her. She realizes that this is the first time she hasn't tried to stop him, but she's too tired and too disappointed to care._

_She holds in her tears as her father grunts and groans on top of her, smothering her yet again. She feels like she's back underneath the bookshelf only this time, she's awake and they'll be no end to the pain._

_Suddenly as if a dam has burst and she releases the tears she's been holding in for so long. Loud sobs wrack her body as her father brutally rapes her for the umpteenth time. She cries because it's finally hit her, she's never getting out. Shelby was her only chance at getting away from Leroy and the woman brushed her off within five minutes of their introduction._

_She's crying so hard that she doesn't even realize that she's been turned over onto her stomach and she doesn't even care. She cries into her dirty mattress, praying that it will be over soon and that her entire life has just been some cruel sick joke and one day she'll wake up and it'll all go away._

_She thinks her prayers might have been answered because she feels him pull out and shift above her. She releases the breath she was holding and waits for him to finish so she can haul her aching body into the bathroom and scrub away the filth in her life. She feels the mattress dip even lower and panic rises within her. _

"_You want to cry like a little bitch?" Leroy laughs as he sits on the backs of her thighs. "I'll give you something to cry about."_

_She's just about to protest when she feels something wet hit her backside before a pain like no other tears into her from behind. She screams out in agony and claws at her bedframe, desperately trying to get away. The pain only gets worse and she finally realizes when he's doing to her._

_She shouldn't have been surprised really, she knew it was bound to happen someday. However, it didn't stop the way her body naturally reacted to having something foreign inside that particular area. The harder he thrusts, the harder she tenses and fights to push him out, and the worse the pain gets._

_She's screaming now, the pain going from too much pressure to stabbing and ripping her apart. She's so desperate for him to stop that she calls for Shelby, praying to a god she doesn't believe in that her mother will finally come to her rescue. _

_She can smell the metallic essence of her blood as she feels it trickling down her leg and before she can stop herself she's choking on her own vomit. Luckily for her, Leroy doesn't seem to notice, he's too preoccupied with thrusting himself inside of his daughter's virgin asshole to care._

_She lies still on the mattress covered in blood and vomit for what feels like hours, even after Leroy had finished inside her and left her alone in the room. Everything hurts and she doesn't think she can move even if she wanted to._

_She hears the door open downstairs followed by footsteps coming up the stairs and as fast as she can possibly can, she jumps off of the bed and runs into her closet, shutting the door tightly. She knows it's Leroy coming back to finish her off. She'd never seen him so angry before and she knows for sure that he's coming back to murder her. She reaches her shaking hand into one of the boxes she keeps in the back and pulls out Noah's old pocketknife._

_She's already accepted the fact that she's going to die today, in fact, she welcomes it, but she's not going to give Leroy the satisfaction of killing her. She'd rather do it herself and save any dignity she has left. He's taken everything she has away from her, but the one thing she will not let him have is her life._

_She holds the blade at the side of her neck, preparing to make the biggest cut of them all; she knows it will be worth it. She presses the blade into her skin just enough to feel a pinch of pain, but it's nothing compared to the ache she feels all over. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, preparing to make the final slice when the door is pushed open._

_She jumps and drops the knife, scrambling into the back of the closet as far away from the door as possible. She curls herself into a ball and waits for Leroy to make his final move when she hears Shelby calling out to her._

"And that's how Shelby found you?" Deborah asks, her voice thick with tears.

"She called the police and they found Leroy. She took me to the hospital, even though I refused, because I was bleeding so badly and it wouldn't stop. They collected the evidence there and used it in the trial. He was found guilty and put in prison in another state and after that I left Lima to live with her."

"Why didn't you contact us, Rachel, you could have at least let us know you were leaving?" the older woman asks.

"Noah and I weren't on speaking terms, Ms. Puckerman. As far as I knew, he hated me just like everyone else did. I had no one to tell because no one cared," Rachel says.

Deborah shakes her head, knowing she's fighting a losing battle. It would take time for the girl to realize that she did have people who loved her.

* * *

**Author's note: Thank you all so much for reviewing, this already has way more than the original.**

**I promise Noah will come into the story very soon, thank you so sticking with me.**

**Beta read by ameliaapond**

**Please review.**


	12. I'm Coming Home

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: Sensitive material, adult audience only**

* * *

They continue talking well into the night about Rachel's struggle in dealing with the aftermath of what Leroy did to her.

"I couldn't tell Shelby about what happened and it hurt to much to think about it, so in therapy, I tried my best to talk around it. Shelby had found out about my cutting problem and she began monitoring me, having nurses come to watch my every move. I started to feel smothered and like no one understood. Jesse tried his best to help me, but the closer he got to me the more upset I became. I didn't know where to turn until I met the skanks," Rachel says as she plays nervously with her fingers.

"The skanks?" Deborah asks with a raised eyebrow.

Rachel nods. "There's a group of them in every school. They're the bad kids, the outcasts, the drug dealers, the ones who showed me a new escape route. It started off harmlessly, just a few cigarettes every now and then and occasionally some alcohol. It made me feel better for a while, it was just enough to numb the pain, but when the high wore off I needed more. I started getting into stronger things like marijuana and cocaine. It helped, it made me feel so much better that I didn't even realize what a mess my life had become. I woke up every morning and got high and stayed that way until I passed out drunk at night. I didn't care about anything else, but getting rid of the pain I had inside. It got so bad I'd almost failed out of school completely."

"Finally, Shelby intervened. She told me she would put me in an institution for my problems if I didn't stop. She made me join the glee club and when I started singing again, I didn't feel the urge to get high anymore. Jesse helped too, on the nights when I'd stayed awake, fighting off the desire. It was hard quitting that way, my body had become so accustomed to having such high dosages a day that I was physically sick at night. It was awful, but during that time I didn't think of Leroy, my thoughts so focused on Jesse and getting better that I didn't even realize I was slowly becoming a new person in the process."

"It seems you and Noah were in a similar position at the time," Deborah sighs.

"He did drugs, too?" she asks in bewilderment.

"Yea, asshole landed himself in juvie for a few months," Rebekah chimes as she walks down the stairs in her pajamas. Deborah shoots her daughter a glare and the teenager shrugs. "Sorry, baby Noah fell asleep and I got bored so I kinda started listening."

"Rebekah Marie Puckerman, have I taught you nothing? It's like you were raised by a pack of wolves, go upstairs and brush your teeth and get ready for bed. You have school in the morning and you will not be late again," Deborah hisses and the teenager winces at the harsh tone she's heard her mother use so many times.

"Sorry, Ma," she mumbles. "Good night, Rach, it's really nice to have you back even if you did give birth to a mini Noah, I mean he's kinda cool despite the fact that he came from the devil himself."

Rachel frowns and Deborah scolds her daughter until the teenager is up the stairs and in her bedroom.

"Honestly, I don't know why she says the things she does. Sometimes I think it's because she misses Noah so much that she feels she has to act like him to make it better and sometimes I wonder if that's just the way they are," Deborah says as she shakes her head.

Rachel shakes her head, she doesn't know anything about being a teenager because she never really was one. She never got to hang out and have sleepovers because she didn't have any friends and the only boy she ever loved she left because her father was raping her and she was slowing killing herself because of it.

Deborah smiles sadly at the girl. "It's been a long four years without, Noah. I'm so proud of him for going to school and making something of himself, but I miss him so much."

Rachel nods sadly. "I don't know what I would do if I ever had to go a day without my babies, I haven't left their side since they were born. I don't even want to think about them growing up and leaving me. They're my everything, I would die without them."

Deborah takes Rachel's small pale hand in her own. "You've done such a wonderful job with them, they really are beautiful babies. Little Noah is so handsome and his sister is as precious as a rare gem. They're both so smart and so lovable, I always knew you would be a wonderful mother, you always had the instinct."

Rachel blinks in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"When you were younger, you were always mothering Noah and even Rebekah. You would scold him when he was bad and look after Bekah while I was working. I always found it quite astounding how motherhood just seemed to come naturally to you even though you didn't have one growing up. I suppose it's just one of the many things Rachel Berry excels at," the older woman smiles widely and Rachel frowns.

"I'm afraid my talents haven't lead me anywhere, between Leroy and Jesse and getting pregnant, I haven't any opportunity to go to school or try for Broadway and to be honest I don't think I want to anymore," Rachel says. "That dream died a long time ago, along with everything else."

Deborah shakes her head. "Surely there's got to be something you want to do?"

Rachel sighs and is reminded of the sharp pain in her rib cage. She winces and wraps her arms around herself, "I just want to be a good mother, and I don't ever want to put my kids through the type of hell I had to go through. I want them to have their father in their lives, he deserves to know them and they deserve to have someone as special as him."

"I wish I could help you, Rachel, but he doesn't even come home on his birthday anymore. I get calls on holidays and flowers in the mail, but the last time I saw my son was two Hanukah's ago and he looked awful," Deborah shakes her head. "Are you sure he has no idea you were pregnant?"

Rachel frowns and thinks back to her two failed attempts at telling Noah about the babies. The first attempt had been the day she'd told Jesse and Shelby. She had gone to Noah's house earlier to try and break the news, hoping that he would take it well. She was hoping he was still home and hadn't left for school again because this was one conversation she didn't want to have via telephone. However, she wasn't given the chance because as soon as she entered his room, she came face to face with a very angry and very naked Santana Lopez straddling her ex-boyfriend.

She was humiliated and before she could even say a word the door was slammed in her face and she ran home crying until she broke the news to Shelby and Jesse.

The second time wasn't as mortifying, but it didn't hurt any less when he rejected her.

_She lies next to Jesse, stroking her full rounded belly, waiting for him to fall asleep. She doesn't like beds, she hasn't since she was twelve years old, but she can't let him know that. She doesn't want to give him another reason to think she's weak nor does she want him to use it as leverage against her. As soon as she hears his breathing crescendo into a snore, she pushes herself up out of the bed and walks down the hallway and into the newly decorated nursery and slowly lowers herself into the white rocking chair, closing her eyes in peace._

_She's around seven and a half months pregnant and sleeping on the floor like she's used to is no longer an option for her. Her back is sore, her feet ache, she's fighting off heartburn and a migraine, and to top it off she's been cramping an awful lot lately. She's exhausted from countless sleepless nights and the fact that she's doing this completely on her own. At her last appointment she was given a due date approximately two weeks away. She's looking forward to finally meeting the two people who have been growing inside her, the two little people that she loves more than anything in her entire life._

"_Oh!" she gasps as she doubles over, holding her belly. She's been getting sharp pains all day and the stronger they get, the more terrified she becomes._

_She decides that sleep isn't an option right now so she heaves herself out of the chair and waddles into the bathroom for a hot shower. The hot water feels good against her aching back and it soothes her rambunctious babies' kicks. _

_She closes her eyes and pictures herself holding her babies in her arms. She pictures a bright-eyed little girl with chestnut ringlets and a little boy with dazzling hazel eyes. She knows her children are going to be beautiful, they've got half of Noah Puckerman's genes and the man is a living Adonis after all. She wishes that he was here and holding her close with his warm hands sprawled over her belly, singing and talking to their children. She wants nothing more than to raise her babies with the man she's loved since she was a child, she wants him here to share each and every kick from their babies together, but it's just another thing Leroy had taken from her. She feels awful that she's keeping this from him, but then she remembers the look in his eyes when she pulled away from him on that fateful night and she knows she made the right choice. Telling him about the babies while she's with Jesse will only hurt him more than she already has. She wishes there was a way for them to be together, but she knows that she doesn't deserve someone as good as him. She deserves scum and that's exactly what she gets with Jesse. _

_She's in the middle of conditioning her hair when a mind-numbing pain rips through her abdomen with such ferocity that she has to grip the towel rack to keep herself upright. She cries out and squeezes her eyes shut in pain, breathing deeply until it subsides and she can stand up right again._

_Breathing deeply, she resumes washing the conditioner out of her hair and hurries out of the shower, but not before another pain radiates through her. She stands breathless in the bathroom, gripping her towel and biting her lip to keep back the cries of pain._

_She knows that something is wrong and that she needs to get to a hospital as soon as possible. She hurries up and dresses before making her way out onto the New York street to hail a cab with the money she'd stolen from Jesse last night after he passed out drunk. She knows she'll be in trouble for stealing from him, but she knew when the time came and she needed to get to the hospital that he would be less than willing to help her out, especially with the way he'd reacted the last time she had a complication._

_When she gets to the hospital she's immediately taken to delivery where she's told she's almost ready to go. From there on out, everything becomes a blur of activity and her anxiety spikes through the roof. She's stripped of her clothing and forced into a bed where a male doctor she's never seen before begins prodding around inside her. She feels like she's twelve years old again, being forced onto the dirty mattress by her father and she can't stop the tears from pouring down her face. _

_An older nurse holds her hand and wipes her tears as she cries and squirms in fear, but it does nothing to soothe the shaking girl. The doctor finishes and says something about her delivering in just a few minutes but she's too worked up to notice._

_The pain has gone from a cramp every few minutes to a gut wrenching agony that never seems to end. She's absolutely exhausted and scared out of her mind and when the nurse brings her a phone to make a call, she doesn't hesitate to call the number of the person who has the key to her heart._

"_Noah," she gasps in pain when she hears him pick up the phone._

"_Who's this?" she hears him grumble angrily, but she's delirious from the pain and hearing his voice after so long is like being given a glass of water in the desert._

"_Noah, it's me. It's Rachel," she says softly._

_She hears his sharp intake of breath and her heart literally stops beating in her chest. "Rachel," he repeats quietly and for a moment she's able to forget about the extreme amount of pain she's in._

"_Rachel, why are you calling me?" he asks in a sour tone._

_She doesn't really have an answer, she just needed to hear his voice telling her that she could do it and that she would be okay. "I'm sorry, Noah. I'm so sorry," she whispers._

_She hears him groan heavily and it breaks her heart to know that even having a conversation with her is causing him pain. "Noah, I really need to tell you something and I know you're going to hate me for it, but-_

"_Rachel," he says sharply, interrupting her. "Nothing you say to me can possibly make me hate you. I fucking love you and I always will. You're a horrible person who ripped my heart out and stomped all over it for no fucking reason and I'm still madly in love with you. I never hurt you and I didn't deserve what you did to me so whatever you have to say I don't want to fucking hear it."_

"_Noah, please" she sobs, the pain becoming overwhelming._

"_Don't call me again," he says before he hangs up on her._

_The nurse takes the phone from her shaking hands and the doctor takes his position between her legs which she clamps shut almost immediately._

"_Ms. Berry, it's time for you to push. I need you to relax and put your legs in the stirrups so we can begin," he says as he tries to pry her knees apart._

_Rachel shakes her head furiously and squeezes her legs together tighter despite the desperate need her body feels to bear down. The older nurse pushes her damp hair off of her sweat covered forehead and whispers words of comfort in her ears, but they do little to calm her. Right now she's not afraid for herself, she's afraid for her children. She does not trust the doctor in front of her because he is a man and she's learned a long time ago not to trust men. She's not letting him between her legs or anywhere near her children._

_A contraction rips through her body and she screams out, her nails threatening to rip through the bedrail. The doctor shakes his head and signals for a younger blonde doctor to take over._

_Rachel immediately relaxes when she sees the female doctor take the place of the other, and allows her to part her legs and help deliver her children._

"_Rachel," she says softly to the trembling teenager. "I need you to give me a big push on your next contraction. You need to get the first baby out as soon as possible, they're in distress because you've waited so long so when you're ready, you've got to give it your all."_

Rachel sighs. "I'm positive, Ms. Puckerman. I tried to tell him, twice actually, and both times I just couldn't do it. He rejected me and it hurt so badly that I just couldn't bring myself to tell him about the miracle we'd created together. I hated the way we ended things and as punishment I kept him away from his children. The only people I'm hurting is my babies, they deserve to have Noah in their lives. He's their father and I know deep down that he'll love them even though I'm their mother."

"Rachel, Noah still loves you, you do know that right?" Deborah asks as Rachel shakes her head. "He hasn't loved anyone else in years and the only girls I ever see him around are the no good ones looking for a night of fun. It's not that he hasn't _found_ another girl, it's that he's not _looking_. His heart belongs to you, Rachel and the sooner you accept that, the easier it will be for you both to forgive each other and move on."

Rachel shakes her head, new tears streaming down her face. "I love him so much," she sobs, holding her chest tightly. "There hasn't been a single night that I haven't dreamt of him. It wasn't supposed to be this way, we were supposed to be together forever. We were supposed to get married and then have babies and raise them together. We were supposed to grow old together and die side by side. He's my soul mate, my other half and it hurts so badly to be without him. I want him back more than anything, but I can't. He wouldn't want me, I'm not the same person he used to know. I'm disgusting," she spits with venom, years and years of hearing the words from her father and Jesse coming forth. "I'm a no good, worthless whore and I don't deserve someone like Noah." She's crying so hard, she's reached the point of hyperventilation and her sore ribs can't take the constant movement of expanding that quickly.

She doubles over in pain and sobs even harder for the loss of her one true love. She's crying so hard, she doesn't realize Deborah's moved and is rubbing her back soothingly. "I can't breathe," Rachel gasps, her heart pounding against her chest. "It hurts," she moans. "It hurts so bad, please make it stop."

Deborah nods and wraps a blanket around the shaking girl, pulling her into her arms. "Rebekah!" she shouts up the stairs. "Bring the children down, we need to get Rachel to a hospital."

"No, no hospitals please," Rachel begs.

"Honey, you're hurting and it's not just mentally. Something's wrong and you've been unsuccessfully hiding it since you walked in the door," Deborah scolds as Rebekah hurries down the stairs carrying her sleeping niece and nephew.

"What's wrong?" she asks. "Is Rachel dying?"

Deborah narrows her eyes at her daughter. "No, go get in the car and buckle in the babies, then I need you to call your brother. Tell him it's an emergency and he needs to come home."

"No," Rachel protests weakly, clutching her chest. "I'm fine, really. I don't want Noah to find out this way."

"It doesn't matter, you need medical attention, Rachel. You've been taking care of yourself for years, now it's time for you to give someone else a turn," Deborah says as she carries the frail girl to the car.

The car ride is quiet except for Rachel's labored breathing and occasional moans of pain. Deborah shakes her head, wondering how on earth she let her family get so out of hand. Her son doesn't speak to her and has had three illegitimate before the age of twenty-two, her daughter's behavior is spiraling out of control, and the girl she considered a daughter has been raped, beaten, and abused since she was a teenager.

When they arrive at the hospital, Rebekah takes the babies to the waiting room where they curl up together and fall asleep while Rachel is taken to be examined.

She's sitting on a padded table in nothing but a paper gown completely frozen in fear while doctor's poke and prod around her battered body. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Ms. Puckerman on the phone with who she assumes is Noah. She squeezes her eyes shut, she doesn't want to be here and she definitely doesn't want Noah to come and see her like this. She wanted to tell him when she was better, when the bruises had faded and she wasn't so broken. She realizes now that isn't going to happen and that Noah will be seeing her for the first time in two years beaten and worthless just like Leroy had always said she was.

She hears the doctor's examining her say something about surgery to fix a crack in her ribs. She's thankful they're not asking questions and that they're all women, but she's almost positive Deborah had something to do with that.

"Deborah," she calls out weakly. "Don't leave me, please. I can't do this alone."

"You're not alone, sweetheart," the older woman says with tears in her eyes. "I promise you, you will never ever be alone again."

"Don't let them hurt me," Rachel mumbles, her eyes squeezes shut.

"They won't, honey. They're going to take good care of you, I promise. They're going to put you under in a while and take you in for surgery and when you wake up, I promise I'll be right here," Deborah says with a sad smile.

"Tell my babies that I love them," Rachel says, wincing as a needle is shoved in her arm.

"I promise."

* * *

It's almost midnight when Noah Puckerman gets a call from his younger sister. At first he's hesitant to answer, talking to his sister makes him miss home so much more than he already does and he can't afford to loose focus on his schoolwork. Every time his mother calls is a stab in the heart because he knows he should be there with her, but going home means going back to Lima and facing the fact that Rachel's gone and he's worked too hard to forget about her.

"Hello," he sighs into the phone, he knows Bekah wouldn't call if it wasn't important.

"Noah, it's Bekah," she says breathlessly. "Something's wrong, you have to come home right now."

"What? What is it, is Ma okay?" he says, his English homework completely forgotten about.

"I can't tell you, but you need to come home and fast, it's important, Noah," she says and he can tell by her tone that she's frightened.

"Bekah, if you can't tell me what's wrong then I'm not coming home. It's obviously not that important if you're not allowed to tell me," he says angrily.

"It's not my place to tell, but please Noah, stop being an asshole and come home. Your family needs you, it's time to move on and face whatever it is you're hiding from," she snaps.

"Fuck you," he snaps in response. "I'm not hiding from anything. I don't need you and I don't need fucking Lima. Don't call me again unless someone's dying," he says as he slams the phone shut.

He runs his hand over his head in aggravation, accidently waking the leggy brunette sleeping naked in his bed.

"Is something wrong?" she mumbles as she stands up, walking over to him while she plays with the button of his shirt she's wearing.

"No," he snaps. "Just trying to get some homework done."

She sighs and flips her hair. "Maybe I can help?" she says, chewing her lip seductively.

"No, I think you've done enough," he says, flipping through his book.

"Is that an invitation for round two?" she smirks.

"No, what part of 'I'm studying' are you not understanding?" he says, finally turning towards her.

She smiles and runs her hands down his chest. "You can always take a break, it'll be there when you get back."

He studies the girl carefully and tries to figure out why he found her attractive in the first place and then it hits him. The long brown hair, big brown eyes, long legs, and tanned skin. It's got 'Rachel' written all over it. Only this girl is not his Rachel, she's about four inches too tall, her boobs are silicone and way too big, her lips are not nearly as plump, and her ass doesn't even compare to the perfect little backside he used to watch dance around in a short plaid skirt.

He grabs her wrists in his hands and pulls them off of his chest. "Look, uh-

"Mandy," she says sharply.

"Yea, whatever," he rolls his eyes. "This was fun and you were great, but I think it's time for you to go."

She raises her eyebrows in shock. "Seriously? You're kicking me out, it's practically one in the morning!"

"Yea, well I kinda got shit to do and you're getting in my way," he snaps.

"What an asshole, you're no better than the rest of the football jerks," she spits as she grabs her shoes angrily.

He shrugs, "Never said I was. Besides, I'm the fucking Puckerone, the infamous Puckersaurus, what did you expect?"

He watches as she huffs and collects her belongs in a haste, calling him every name in the book under her breath.

He laughs and shakes his head. He knows it's wrong to treat women this way and a huge part of him hates himself for it, but it's the only way he can keep his mind off of the girl that broke his heart into a million pieces. In a way he feels like he's getting her back by sleeping with every remotely attractive girl he sees-and it's completely coincidence that they all look exactly like her-or so he tries to tell himself.

"I want my shirt back," he snaps and ducks as she tosses that followed by one of his football cleats at his head.

"Take it, asshole," she spits before slamming the door.

He knows he's wrong, but he can't help himself, his life has been one huge mess one right after the other. The only way he knows how to stay in control is to be Puck. He may be an asshole and he may not have any real friends, but at least he's not wasting away like he would be if he were still Noah. Puck knows what he wants in life: money and sex. It's simple for him to get as long as he keeps his grades up, works hard, and keeps himself in shape. Puck doesn't find life hard at all, but Noah is another story. Noah wants love, affection, a family, a home, and everything else that normal people want. He wants a career that he worked hard to get to be able to support his family. He wants to watch his son play football and teach his daughter to play the guitar. He hates that Noah always seems to get in the way of Puck's plans. He hates being Noah because he hates the heartbreak that comes along with feelings. It's one of the reasons why he doesn't go home anymore. It doesn't take him very long at all to get from Ohio State to Lima, but the moment he steps foot inside that fucking cow-town, all his feelings return and the only thing he wants to do is crawl in a corner and die.

It all started about four years ago when his relationship with Rachel began to dwindle. It started with her ignoring his calls and texts to generally ignoring him in general. At first he thought it was something he'd done wrong so he'd tried extra hard to romance her and be a better boyfriend. He'd stay up late and watch all her favorite Broadway musicals so he could talk about them with her. He'd tried every trick in the book to get her to smile, turning up the Puckerman charm to a maximum, but nothing seemed to be working. He'd even taken to joining the stupid glee club and signing in front of a group of losers to tell her how much she meant to him, but the entire time her face remained stoic and if it physically hurt her to smile.

He remembers how much he used to miss her, even when she was right next to him, how he missed the sound of her laugh and the way her eyes lit up when she got excited. He missed his best friend, his love, _his Rachel_.

He remembers how she used to pull away from him when he'd sit next to her or how she'd flinch when he'd tried to grab her hand. At first he thought maybe she just didn't love him anymore so he tried to give her space, but that never lasted. He was tethered to her and being apart for more than a day hurt way more than he cared to admit.

Eventually he begun to loose his patience with her, there was only so much heartbreak a guy could take. He could stand the fact that they weren't intimate anymore or that they didn't go out on dates. He could even tolerate the fact that she didn't hug him or kiss him anymore, even though he missed her touch desperately, he never pushed her. The one thing that he could not tolerate was them not talking. Days would go by without them holding a single conversation longer than ten words. He hated that she didn't want to talk to him. Not wanting to be with and not wanting to talk to him were two completely different things.

He'd questioned her about her suspicious behavior multiple times and each time he never got an answer. After that she began to pull farther and farther away from him until he barely saw her anymore. He knew she was busy with school and her vocal and dance lessons, but so was he. It hurt that she didn't bother to make any time to spend with him when he spent each and every one of his free moments thinking of her and ways to be with her. It hurt that she put her extracurricular activities before him when she was always his first priority.

Even after everything she was doing to him, he never ever considered the possibility that they would break up. In all his thoughts pertaining to the future, not being together was not one of them. Each and every one of his plans included her and how to make her happy. So when she finally sat him down and told him she no longer loved him and that they were over, he broke.

He remembers sitting in her room and crying and begging her not to leave him. He blamed the fall of their relationship on himself, even though he knew she had caused it. He'd promised to be a better boyfriend if she stayed with him, but in the end all his crying and begging led him nowhere. He stood watching as she fought back tears, pointing towards the door he'd come in and out of so many times.

He remembers the way his heart clenched painfully as he walked out of the Berry house, his whole world shattered around him. He remembers how he walked all around Lima, sitting outside the 7-Eleven in tears before an older man drove by and offered to buy him a case a beer to cheer him up.

He remembers the way he roamed the streets drunk off his ass until he was almost hit by Santana Lopez. He remembers the way she cursed at him in Spanish and how he laughed at her in his drunken state. He remembers being forced into her red car and taken back to her house where she'd told him her parents weren't home and he'd passed out on her couch and woke up the next morning naked and on top of her.

He remembers running from the house without an explanation, his head pounding and his ears ringing. He'd never felt like more of a failure than in that moment. He remembers contemplating over whether or not to tell Rachel until he realized that she didn't care. She had thrown him out without shedding a single tear. She didn't love him anymore.

That was the moment Puck took over and Noah became a muted part of himself he kept hidden. All the students at Ohio State knew him as Puck, the badass sexy linebacker who fights any punk that gets in his way and bangs any girl who is available. He's not proud of who he is, not by a long shot, but it's his only option if he wants to make something out of his miserable life.

He runs his hand over his shaved head and sighs in exhaustion, he's almost done with his school work for the rest of the week and he plans on spending his weekend wasted and getting laid. He's just about to head to bed when his phone rings again.

He groans as he picks up the phone, holding it against his ear. "Look, Ma, I already told Bekah I'm not coming home so whatever it is, you're going to have to deal with it without me," he says tiredly.

"Noah," she cries. "Its Rachel."

* * *

**Author's note: Finally Noah has made his way into the story! From here on out he will be involved, but just a forewarning, it will take a while for them to establish a relationship because of everything they've been through. It will not be automatic Puckleberry fluff and romance, but I promise that will happen.**

**Beta read by ameliaapond.**

**Please review.**


	13. Falling in Love all Over Again

**Disclaimer: Do not own glee**

**Warning: Adult content, mature audience only.**

* * *

"_Noah," she cries. "Its Rachel."_

It takes a while for the words to process in his mind but when they do, he's rendered completely speechless.

"Noah, are you still there?" she asks.

He shakes his head, clearing away the millions of horrific scenarios going through his mind. "Yea, Ma, I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"It's Rachel, she's come back and she needs help-

"What kind of help?" he interrupts, fear coursing through his veins and bile rising in his stomach.

"She needs you, Noah. She's trying to act like everything's okay, but it's not. She needs help and you're the only one that can give it to her," his mother whispers.

He runs his hand over his face in frustration. "Fuck, Ma, it's been two years since I've seen her and she was perfectly happy with St. Douchebag then. What kind of help could she possibly need from me now?"

He hears his mother take a deep shaky breath and his heart breaks. He knows something wrong and as badass as he pretends to be, he's terrified of what she's going to say next.

"She's broken, Noah. She's not the same Rachel, she's so broken and I'm afraid for her."

"Afraid for her in what way? What's going on, Ma?" he says, throwing on his jacket and grabbing his keys. He doesn't want to admit that he's been prepared to drive to Lima the minute he heard Rachel's name leave his mother's lips because it goes against everything he's trying to so hard to keep hidden, but he'll throw it all away if he can help Rachel.

"There's so much you don't know, son. So many things have happened to this poor girl and it's not my place to tell you. I only know that she needs you and by _you _I mean she needs _Noah._ She needs the little boy who pushed her on the swings in the park, the one who held her hand when she got shots because you know how she hates the doctor's, the one who adored her, the one that always put that million dollar smile on her face. She needs that boy," Deborah says.

He stops, he was just about to jump in his truck and drive down there to see the girl who stills has the key to his heart, but listening to his mother talk about the boy he once was, the boy Rachel Berry ruined, pisses him off.

"The fuck do you mean, she needs _Noah_?" he spits. "I treated her like a princess up until the day _she_ left _me._ I held her hand every fucking day until _she_ starting pulling away. I gave that girl my heart and a part of me and she threw it back in my face and told me she didn't love me anymore, so don't you tell me that she needs _Noah _back because she's the one who broke him. _Noah _doesn't exist anymore and it's all thanks to _Rachel fucking Berry!"_

He's breathing harshly now, trying to control the anger bubbling up inside him. He hates that his mother automatically assumes that he treated Rachel poorly and that he was the one who broke up with her when it was the opposite way. He can hear his mother sobbing on the other end, but he can't bring himself to care because for once, he wanted the benefit of the doubt.

"Look, Ma, I'm sorry Rachel's hurt, but I can't let myself get involved with her again. She broke my heart and it still hurts to think about her or what we had. I'm just not ready to forgive her so just . . ." he trails off, shaking his head in sorrow, what he's about to admit will set him back tremendously. "Just tell her that I love her and that I hope she gets better soon."

He's about to hang up the phone when his mother utters four words that will change his life forever.

"Noah, she was raped," Deborah whispers through her tears.

It's those four words that have him running out of his dorm room and into his truck, his phone abandoned on the floor. He doesn't think about anything else but Rachel as he floors it all the way to Lima.

_Raped_, he thinks to himself. Rachel, _his Rachel_, was raped. When? By who!? Is she okay? Is she hurt?

One by one thoughts fly through his head and he has to pull over to the side of the road and let the tears he's been trying so hard to hold in, fall. He sits in his truck and sobs because deep down, he knows when it was and he did nothing to stop it. He's despised her for so many years for leaving him when the entire time she'd been sexually abused. He feels like the biggest piece of shit on the planet. He knows he couldn't have stopped it, but he didn't even try and that's what hurts him the most. The girl he loves was raped, touched against her will by someone else. Someone else put their hands on _his _girl.

Suddenly, he's livid and all he can see is red. His blood begins to race and he can practically feel it pumping through his veins. How dare someone do this to Rachel? She's so small and defenseless, that the thought of someone taking advantage of her sickens him. It wasn't like Rachel had any major enemies who would want to hurt her that way, she was always so kind and caring. Even the jocks and Cheerios that made fun of her always received a smile from the brunette. She wouldn't hurt a fly, what could she have possibly done to deserve to be raped?

He restarts his truck and speeds the rest of the way to Lima. He has to see his girl and tell her how sorry he is. He has to make things better and this time, he's not taking no for an answer. He's going to get his girl back, he deserves a happy ending.

* * *

Deborah paces the hallway, chewing her thumbnail nervously. Rachel has just been taken into surgery and her conversation with Noah hadn't gone smoothly and ended rather abruptly. She knows he's upset about Rachel, but it was the only way she could get him to see that they needed him.

"Nana?" a small voice interrupts her thoughts.

She looks down into identical green eyes to see her granddaughter reaching her arms up towards her. She smiles softly and scoops the little girl into her arms, holding her close as she rubs her tired eyes with her tiny hands.

The little girl studies the older woman carefully noticing how sad she looks before searching the room for her brother. She finds him fast asleep in a chair next to the girl called 'Auntie Bekah'. Next, she looks around for her mother and when she can find her, her chin starts wobbling, tears welling up in her eyes.

Deborah watches the little girl search the room frantically. "Momma?" she asks, tears threatening to spill from her sparkling green eyes.

The older woman plants a kiss on the little girl's tiny forehead and wipes away her tears. "Momma's with the doctors now, they're gonna make her all better. I promise she'll be back soon."

"Momma has boo-boo?" Nova asks, a frown on her pouty lips.

"Yes, but not for long. When she wakes up, all her boo-boos will be gone," Deborah says, running her fingers through her granddaughter's soft curls.

"Momma has big boo-boos," Nova says and Deborah squeezes her eyes shut, cuddling the little girl closer. She doesn't know what kind of life Rachel had in New York, but judging by the bruises and scars, she knows it wasn't a good one and it kills her that the little girl understands to a certain extent what her mother went through.

"Not anymore sweetheart, Momma will never get another boo-boo again," the older woman says quietly and the little girl nods in understanding.

"Nana?" Nova asks timidly.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Sing?" the little girl asks, her eyes wide with hope.

"You want me to sing to you?" she asks and Nova nods.

"Sing song," the little girl says.

"What song would you like to hear? Do you know the itsy-bitsy spider?" the older woman asks and Nova nods.

They sing the song from beginning to end three times before they're interrupted by the sound of doors flying open. Nova jumps in her grandmother's arms and buries her face into the older woman's arm as a man stalks towards them, tears clouding his hazel eyes.

"Where is she, where's Rachel?" Noah demands as he runs into the waiting room.

"She's in surgery," Deborah says quietly so she doesn't startle the baby in her arms. "She had a few bruised ribs and one of them cracked. They're worried about it possibly puncturing a lung so they've taken her in to fix it."

She watches as he releases a huge breath like he's been holding it in the entire time. "So, she's going to be okay, right?" he asks, exhaustion and pain clear in his hazel eyes. He's so worried about Rachel, he doesn't even notice the baby in his mother's arms or the one cuddled against his sister in the corner.

"Physically, yes, she will be fine after she recuperates," she says and he slumps down into the chair next to him looking as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He sits quietly with his eyes closed as if he's in deep thought. She can see how weight of the situation has taken its toll on him and it's clear that his feelings for Rachel haven't diminished in the slightest. She's about to introduce him to the child sitting in her lap when Nova shifts to face him and without a word stands up on lap, her tiny fingers gripping his muscular arm for balance.

His eyes fly open at the soft touch on his arm and to his complete surprise he's looking at a baby version of Rachel. "Ma?" he asks, his voice thick with tears. "Tell me that's not Rachel's baby?"

When Nova hears her mother's name she smiles and releases a high pitched "Momma!" delighted that this man knows her mother and is here to help her too. She likes this man whoever he is because he looks like a bigger version of her brother and she wants to cuddle in his big arms.

He gets his answer and almost immediately his heart sinks into his chest. Rachel had a baby. She slept with another man that wasn't him and had his baby. He feels bile rising in his chest, _he_ was supposed to have babies with Rachel, not some other guy she fell in love with or worse, the guy she was raped by. He looks at the baby, she's the spitting image of Rachel only her eyes are green and she's got little brown freckles on her cheeks just like Rebekah. The little girl is absolutely beautiful and the way she's holding onto him and smiling breaks his heart because she doesn't belong to him. This was supposed to be his little girl.

Deborah can practically see the wheels turning in her son's head and when he frowns she knows he's assuming the worst.

"Noah," she says quietly. "She's yours."

He shakes his head and stares at his mother in confusion. "Her name is Nova. Nova Adah Puckerman, she'll be two in a few months. I had no idea her and her brother existed until today, but there's no denying that they're your children, Noah."

"Brother?" he repeats, his eyes never leaving the baby girl's.

"Over there with Rebekah," Deborah says, gesturing towards the sleeping duo. "They're twins."

He stands up on shaking legs where he sees a little boy with _his_ tan skin, brown hair, lips, and nose, curled up, fast asleep. He's seen enough of his baby pictures to know that this little boy is his son, a carbon copy of himself.

Tears well up in his eyes as he looks at his son for the first time and before he can stop himself he's scooping the boy into his arms and pressing a kiss against his forehead.

"What's his name?" he asks, his voice thick with tears.

"Noah," Deborah says.

"What?"

"His name is Noah," Deborah clarifies.

"She named him after me?" he asks, looking from the sleeping boy to the little girl in his mother's lap. "These are my babies?"

"At first I didn't believe her, but one look at him and it's clear that he's your son. Please tell me you have some knowledge as to how they were conceived?" Deborah says as her son sits down next to her, holding the baby in his arms.

_He's standing against the wall, a cup full of his favorite beer and his best friends by his side. He promised himself that when he first left Lima he wouldn't come back. Ohio State really was a dream come true for him. His classes were great, his professors loved him, girls were all over him, and he was on his way to becoming a football star, but despite all of that, he was lonely._

_So lonely that he'd slept with his best friend's girlfriend and knocked her up the first time he came home. He's been home for a few weeks now on break and so far he's spent his nights out partying and drunk and his days locked away in his room, sleeping off the hangovers. _

_He pushes himself off of the wall when he sees Finn approach him with none other than Quinn Fabray under his arm, her arms cradled around her growing bump._

"_What's up, dude?" Finn asks, bumping his fist against Puck._

_He smirks. "Frankenteen, MILF," he greets and Quinn rolls her eyes._

_It probably should bother him that Quinn refuses to acknowledge that he is the father of her baby, but he can't bring himself to care. He wants to be there for the baby, but she's hell-bent on adoption and he knows there's no changing her mind. He looks up at Finn's dopey grin as he slides his arm around her expanding waist. He wants to come clean, to tell his best friend what an asshole he is for sleeping with his girl and what a slut Quinn is for letting him, but he sees the icy look in her eyes and he holds his tongue. _

_He doesn't even remember how it happened really, he'd come from Ohio State to an empty house, his heart still breaking from driving past Rachel's house on the way back. He'd settled on the couch with a few beers and before he knew what was happening, Quinn Fabray was standing on his porch with a pack of wine coolers in her hand. She was upset with Finn and he was upset with Rachel and one thing led to another. It didn't take much convincing on his part, she was already drunk and feeling fat so all he had to do was pretend that the blonde beneath him was a few inches shorter and brunette while promising her that she was skinny as a rail. The next thing he knew, she was texting him that she was pregnant and he was the father, but she would pretend it was Finn and that would have nothing to do with the baby as it was being put up for adoption. _

_He realizes he's been completely ignoring Finn's rant about their latest doctor's appointment and he feels like an even bigger asshole, after all the guy is talking about __**his **__child. _

"_You okay, dude?" Matt Rutherford asks and Puck shakes his head, setting his beer down on a random coffee table._

_He walks through the crowded house, looking for a girl drunk enough to let him blow off some steam when he's stopped dead in his tracks. It's a laugh that has his heart pumping ten times faster, a loud obnoxious laugh that he would know anywhere. It's Rachel's laugh. He whips his head towards her direction and spots her immediately, surrounding by a bunch of stuck up rich kids from Carmel._

_She's standing in an overly crowded house filled with drunken teenagers grinding all over each other to the music blaring from the speakers. It's not her scene, not by a long shot. The music is so loud she can feel the bass thumping in her chest and it's much too crowded, the large masses of people dancing so provocatively bring back memories of her father grinding against her as she cried and begged him to stop._

_She shakes her head and clears away the memories, taking a sip of the mixed drink Jesse poured for her. She crinkles her nose at the taste, he's made it much too strong but she has a feeling it's his intention to get her drunk tonight. She looks around at all of her friends, laughing and having a good time. Jesse purposes a toast for their triumphant victory and Rachel smiles, laughing along with the rest of the members of Vocal Adrenaline. _

_She tries to pretend she's happy, she deserves this. She has no reason not to be after everything she's accomplished. She knows it was her solo that won them the competition, it was the only number that received a standing ovation. She went from an abused little girl, to a drug addict, to the lead singer in a National championship winning glee club. She has a boyfriend who's the most popular guy in the school and a mother who would do anything for her. For the first time in four years her life is completely perfect and yet it's still not enough to make her happy._

_She finishes off the last of her drink, letting the warm fuzzy effect of the alcohol take over. Deep down, she knows why she's unhappy and it kills her to know that she'll never have that part of her again. She knows she broke him when she left and now that she's free from Leroy for good, she wants nothing more than to run into his arms and apologize, but she can't because he's gone._

_She wonders outside and lets the cool crisp air clear her mind. She brings her arm up, tracing over the fresh cuts she made the night before buried beneath a thick layer of makeup. She sighs deeply, dropping her arm against her side. She's promised Shelby she would stop, but it's one addiction she can't break overnight, especially when she doesn't want to. She can't explain it, not to her therapist, not to Shelby or Jesse, and not even to herself, but her urge to cut will never fade. No matter how perfect her life may seem, the filth Leroy instilled on her will always be there and cutting is the only way to get it out without hurting anyone else. The drugs were an easy outlet for a while, but the effect it had on the relationship with her mother was not worth the short escape it provided for her. The cutting however, was so much more than an escape. It was a way for her to remember that no matter how perfect her life may seem, she's imperfect and seeing the physical self-inflicted evidence on her body each day is a constant reminder of how flawed she really is. Ripping open the skin on her body is like opening a portal, one that lets all the filth out until she feels clean. The only problem is that she never feels clean after what Leroy did to her, hence why she cannot stop cutting._

_She squeezes her eyes shut, remembering a time before Leroy had touched her. The thoughts are pleasant, filled with times of laughter and love. She misses those times, but she's grateful for the short period of happiness she had because she knows there will never be another one._

_He'd followed her outside, staying close enough to see her in full view while remaining hidden. He watches as she stands on the porch all alone, a frown marring the face that was once young and innocent. At first he'd thought he'd followed out the wrong girl, but once glimpse of those long legs in a pair of skin tight jeans and he knew that was his Rachel. He doesn't know how to approach her after all these years especially now that she looks so sad. He frowns as he runs his hand over his head in frustration, it's been two years since he's laid eyes the love of his life and even though she looks as beautiful as he remembers, something's different about her. He's just about walk toward her when he's met with a pair of memorable brown eyes._

_She's standing in front of him, mouth wide open and eyes wide in shock. She's wearing a sparkly tight fitting shirt and a pair of jeans that hug each and every one of the curves he spent his childhood mesmerizing. He opens his mouth to speak, but his brain and his heart are in two completely different worlds right now. There's something different about the girl standing in front of him but he can't quite figure out what._

_He realizes he's opening staring at her but before he can say anything she whispers a corse "Noah."_

_He closes his eyes and savors the way his name sounds coming from her lips, the perfectly plump lips he wants to bruise with kisses until he's dying for air._

"_Rach," he whispers back and he watches she visibly stiffens in response. _

_It's not the sight of him that has her blood racing through her veins and her heart pounding in her chest, it's the sound of his voice. His low, smooth, sweet, liquid voice whispering the nickname only __**he**__ calls her that makes her want to melt into his warm, muscular arms._

_She swallows thickly, taking in all that is the man standing before her. He's gotten taller, much taller and broader too. His chiseled jawline is littered with stubble that she's suddenly dying to run her fingers through, his hair is still cut in that ridiculous mohawk, but is suits him and she misses it as much as she's missed him. She notices that he's staring at her and thanks to the large amount of alcohol she consumed at the party, she's feeling anything but self-conscious. Gone are the feelings of worthlessness and filth, gone are all the walls she's built to keep people from finding out the truth, and instead she feels a yearning she knows is for the man standing in front of her._

_They both stare at each other unconsciously drifting closer as if there's a magnet between them, drawing them together. They're standing face to face and the only words they've uttered are each other's names. He reaches towards her and despite the voice in the back of her mind telling her to pull away, she's moving forward until their fingertips brush together creating a spark that can only be described as supernatural rushes through the both of them. They jump apart in pure shock, but never loose eye contact. He stares into sad orbs the color of molten chocolate while she gazes into his hazel pools, their breathing labored from the force of the jolt. _

_There's some type of electricity in the air entering their bodies through the oxygen they're breathing. It enters their lungs and spreads throughout their entire beings until they're both radiating warmth. The sheer force of the energy taking their breath's away as they look not only into each other's eyes, but into their souls._

_In her eyes, he can see the pain she's endured in the past two years. He can see she's carrying around the weight of the world and it kills him that he wasn't there to help. She sees the same in his eyes. They look tired, as if he's spent countless nights in sorrow. There's one thing that's clear in both of their eyes and that's loneliness and they both know it's because they've been without each other. _

_He has the desperate urge to wrap her in his arms and never let go despite his anger towards her. He takes a deep breath, the warm air hitting her lips and she shivers in excitement. His skin is tingling, tiny prickles piercing against his every pore. He licks his lips and swallows, his throat dry and raw. His body is doing weird things, things that haven't happened in two yeas, things that only happen when Rachel is around. _

"_I've missed you so, so much Rach."_

_She has the undying need to kiss him and be held by those wonderful arms that belong to Noah Puckerman despite the fact that she's damaged beyond repair. She knows she should be afraid right now and if she were sober she would have run the moment she laid eyes on him. It's not safe for her to be around him, especially now that's she so vulnerable. She's risking everything right now, she didn't break up with him for no reason after all. She did it to keep him away from her and the filthy baggage she carries. She did it to keep him from finding out about Leroy and the addiction she'd developed as a result of his abuse. She's broken and she knows he'll fight to the death to fix her, but it's impossible for even him. She doesn't want to burden him, he deserves so much more than a worthless slut like herself, but she can't turn away now even if she wanted to._

"_I've missed you too," she responds quietly._

_And just like that their bodies are molding together, lips connected, teeth clashing, and tongues massaging each other's. She throws her arms around his neck and he digs his fingers into her waist pulling her closer even though it's not physically possible._

_He relishes in the sweet berry taste that's all Rachel while she savors his scent. It's woodsy and manly just liked she remembers and she inhales deeply sensing remnants of his spicy cologne, the one she always bought for him. Her fingers toy with the strip of spiky hair at the base of his neck and he moans into her mouth, tearing his lips away from hers and trailing a kiss of open mouth kisses down her neck like a starved man devoring his meal._

_Her skin lights on fire, each kiss to her burning skin is like gasoline fueling the flame. She shudders against him, her head rolling back and her eyes lulling shut as he kisses and nips at her neck. A shiver of pure desire runs through her body and she digs her nails into the back of his neck signaling for more. He smirks against her skin, he knows her neck is her weak spot, he'd discover that when he was sixteen and he's pleased that at least one thing about her hasn't changed._

_He licks a red hot trail from her neck to that special spot behind her ear and moans when she pulls him down closer, grinding herself against him. She's literally melting in his arms, each and every one of her senses consumed by the man she loves. Her heart is racing, swelling with each kiss he presses against her flaming skin and in this moment she's never felt more safe and wanted. She can feel the bulge growing against her stomach, her subconscious screams at her to get lost, but the part of her mind that desperately wants him-__**needs**__ him-won't let him go. She's absolutely terrified because she wants this just as much as he does, but she's not scared of __**him**__ in the least bit even though he's a man with the intention of having sexual intercourse with her. She loves him more than life itself, he's the one she gave everything to. That night she and Noah made love, she gave him much more than her virginity, she gave him her heart, her soul, her __**everything**__ and she's willing to do it again if she can feel safe and loved for just one night._

"_Noah," she moans as she slides her hand from his neck around to his cheeks, cupping them gently. She smiles as she runs her fingers over the soft yet prickly stubble beneath her fingertips, her eyes locked on hazel globes darkened with lust. His lips are shiny and swollen from kisses, parted slightly to allow his deep ragged breaths to pass through, his muscular chest is covered by a tight black t-shirt and his signature leather jacket, his bulging pectoral muscles visible through the thin material. His arms-her favorite part of him-are wrapped around her waist, his fingertips digging into her hips tightly as if he's afraid she's going to disappear. He's wearing a pair of worn jeans that hang low and fit in all the right places, showing off his muscular legs. He's looking at her like a predator stalking it's prey and she knows she wants him just as much if not more. She can't believe that someone as gorgeously handsome and genetically gifted as Noah Puckerman wants her, but the love she feels and sees in his eyes is enough to convince her._

_He drags his hands from her waist and buries them in soft brown ringlets, tangling his fingers in the thick strands. His fingers brush against her scalp and the sensation has her shooting forward, pulling his face down to connect with her lips once more. She kisses him feverishly and he reciprocates, opening his mouth for her to explore while his own tongue tastes every crevice she has available to him._

_Their lungs burn from lack of oxygen and they pull apart breathlessly, resting their foreheads together as they swallow oxygen back into their bodies. He twirls her silky locks in his hands, moaning softly as it brushes over his knuckles. He's always loved her hair, especially when she lets it go naturally in long thick curls. Her eyes are shining up at him with what looks like renewed hope and he can't help but place one last chaste kiss on her swollen lips. He loves the woman in front of him regardless of the fact that she broke his heart into a million pieces two years ago. He's ready to forgive her for all of that if she agrees to give him another chance. He's nothing without his girl, Rachel Berry is his other half-his soul mate-it's just not physically possible for him to function without her._

"_Rach," he moans as she places her hands on his chest, her touch sending tingles up his spine. "I want you," he breathes._

_His words shoot through her like a bolt of lightening and she grinds against him in response. He moans again, dropping his head onto her neck as his member twitches in his pants. He inhales her sweet smell, dropping sweet kisses on her smooth skin as his hands massage her scalp._

_She breathes deeply as he holds her close, her arms trapped between the two of them. She slides her hands down to his chiseled stomach feeling his muscle spasm beneath the pads of her fingers._

"_I want you, too," she whispers._

_His head snaps up almost immediately and his arms reach down under her legs, scooping her up. Her legs wrap around his back and her hands lock behind his neck, her lips molded to his._

"_Are you sure?" he asks between kisses and receives his answer when she bites down on his bottom lip, tugging gently with a predatory glint in her eyes. Their kiss doesn't break until she's laid across the seat of his truck with him on top of her. He sits up to pull his shirt over his head and she's stunned by the sheer beauty of this man. His hands slid under her shirt, his calloused fingers gliding across her stomach and up towards her breasts. She sits up and allows him to pull her shirt off before she's forced back down by the weight of his body. Their bare skin rubs together igniting the flames stirring deep in their bodies. His skin feel hot against her own burning flesh and leans down to kiss her, grinding himself against her smooth skin. _

_It's dark outside, the only light provided by the full moon. They're parked in a secluded area, surrounded by trees away from all types of civilization. His hands are everywhere on her body, his touch spiking her arousal higher and higher until they both can smell it. She blames the alcohol for her lack of self-control, but she knows the only thing she's drunk off of is him. _

_She's mewling and withering beneath him as he massages her breasts through her bra, placing hot wet kisses just about the cup. She feels as if he's teasing her, but in actuality he's taking his time, getting to know the girl he loves all over again, memorizing each and every detail. He continues kissing her everywhere, their hips finding their own rhythm, grinding against each other. The friction of his jeans against his hardening member is torture and his fingers find the button on her pants quickly, eager to be as close to her as possible and relieve the pressure building in his groin._

_She feels him unbutton her pants and when he begins dragging them down her legs her breathing hitches and she freezes. Her eyes slam shut and suddenly she's lying on the mattress with Leroy undressing her, preparing to rape her. Her moaning stops and almost immediately he notices that she's stopped moving and breathing all together. Her eyes are scrunched closed and she appears to be in pain. He removes his hands from her body and places them on her flushed cheeks._

"_Rachel," he breathes. "Look at me, baby."_

_Her eyes flutter open at the sound of his voice and she's meet with hazel eyes so dark they're almost black. "Noah," she gasps._

"_I'm here, baby," he says, placing a sweet kiss on her lips._

_Her eyes close again as his soft lips fuse with hers and she moans his name quietly against his lips. That's all the reassurance he needs and his hands return to her pants, slowly removing them as he kisses down her thighs and calves. He pulls them completely off and licks his lips as her body comes into view. He kisses his way back up her legs, hooking his thumbs into her panties and removing them as well. He looks down at her flushed face and hooded eyes, her hands fisted tightly against the material of the truck's seats. He leans down and sucks at her neck, her moans stirring his rock hard member. He licks and nips at her while his hand slides down and cups her bare mound._

_She gasps and bucks against his hand, feeling the wetness seep onto his fingers. She moans heavily against him, her nails digging into his back while his fingers massage her heavenly, his lips leaving blazing hot trails on her skin. His fingers rub her delicately, coaching her tiny pleasure nub out of it's hood while his other hand pushes his own pants down. She's moaning and gasping beneath him, her body and mind being reduced to a pile of nerves._

_She feels his member hot and hard against her thigh and she reaches down to stroke him wondering how he'd managed to undress himself without her noticing. He groans and drops his head between her neck and shoulder, his lips leaving her skin. She frowns and leans up to kiss him, pushing him backwards until she's in his lap, straddling him. She kisses him deeply adjusting herself so she's positioned properly for penetration. She grips him firmly in her small hand and prepares to sink down on him, but he stops her with his hands on her hips, halting her movements._

_She looks into his eyes and the combination of love and lust is enough to throw her over the edge she's teetering on. He takes a deep breath and swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "I love you, Rachel," he whispers._

_She smiles, his words sending a feeling of warmth throughout her body. "I love you, too, Noah."_

_Their lips connect at the same time as their bodies, their hips thrusting together until he's buried inside her, filling her to the hilt. She gasps at the intrusion and arches her back, taking him even deeper. He moans loudly and throws his head back against the headrest. He's deep inside her where he belongs and every pulse of her body around him sends him into a downward spiral of pleasure. She feels hot and wet around him, her womanhood contracting and pulling him farther and farther inside. He wants desperately to move, to thrust against her and bury himself again and again until they're screaming each other's name, but he won't move until she's ready, even if it kills him. _

_She can feel him twitching inside her while she pulses around him, anxiously awaiting the delicious friction they once felt before. Her body is telling her to move, to ride him without abandon and to give in and relive the pressure building between her legs, but her mind is screaming for her to stop. Her eyes remained shut tightly as images of herself pinned under Leroy, struggling while he forced himself inside her assault her mind. _

_She feels gentle calloused fingers rub her arms soothingly and the memories fade away. She blinks her eyes open to find her love staring at her in pure awe. She's amazed that he's able to make her feel so many things with just one look, that he's able to take away all of the pain with one simple look._

"_Rach," he rasps, his voice tight as he struggles to stay still and not pound into the tight heat his member is being suffocated by. His body is vibrating with pleasure, his arousal spiked through the roof, as he holds her close, peppering her neck and chest with kisses._

_She hugs him back, their sweaty chests pressed together tightly as she lays her head on his shoulder and sobs in pleasure. She wraps her hands around the back of his neck and whispers his name against his lips._

_It's all they can take before she's rolling her body against his as he grinds against her. They both scream out, tears of immense pleasure leaking from both of their eyes. They quickly develop a rhythm of rolling, humping, and grinding together becoming lost in the throes of their lovemaking._

_She kisses away his salty tears while his thumbs gently wipe hers, cupping her face before pulling her in for a kiss. They moan into each other's mouths as their pace increases bringing them closer and closer to the edge._

_He realizes he hasn't removed her last article of clothing and he reaches around, expertly removing her bra revealing her perfect breasts. She gasps as her nipples pucker in the cool air and moans when she feels hot hands massaging in sync to each plunge of his rigid shaft inside her._

_He works up her body, tugging, biting, and sucking on her nipples as she cries out and gushes around his throbbing erection. He can feel her quivering around him and he knows it won't be long until she gives in. He can tell she's fighting her orgasm, but she's trying desperately to savor the feeling of having him inside of her, of having the man she adores make love to her the way it's supposed to be._

_He feels as if he's going to explode if he doesn't let go so he brings one hand up to cup her cheek and drops the other, placing it right above the spot they're connected. He rubs her clit slowly and thrusts faster, his straining manhood hitting places inside her she never knew existed. She screams out, her nails biting into his biceps so hard he's almost positive they'll leave a mark. He hisses at the pleasurable pain and pulls her in for a fierce kiss that leaves her absolutely breathless._

_He increases the pace until he's slamming into her, crying out as she tightens and pulsates around him. He rubs her furiously, kissing her with all his love until she sobs against him, coming with a force unknown to her body. As soon as he feels her lock and throb around him, he's let's go. _

"_Oh, Rachel," he rasps as his world goes black, his body jerking and spurting, filling her with everything he has._

_She's still climaxing, her body falling farther and farther off of the imaginary cliff and when she hears him cry her name and fill her with his essence, she looses control thrashing violently against him, the force of her orgasm enough to make her loose consciousness._

_When she finally opens her eyes, she's cradled against him, his arms wrapped tightly around her. The car is filled with the heady aroma of their combined arousals and the windows are foggy. Her ear is pressed against his ribcage and she can hear his heart beating, the calming rhythmic thump easing her back to sleep. She's hasn't felt this safe or loved since she was fourteen and she never wants him to let go. She feels full both figuratively and physically and she realizes that he's still inside her and even soft, he's still unreasonably large. She goes to ease him out of her body when she realizes she cannot move because he's holding her so tightly. He groans sleepily as his eyes flutter open revealing those gorgeous hazel pools she could stare at forever._

"_Stop moving, I'm comfy," he grumbles into her hair._

_She snickers and cuddles against him, savoring the moment because she knows it won't be long until the truth comes out._

"_Stop thinking so loudly, just sleep," he murmurs and she chuckles again, he always did know her better than she knew herself. She's safe with him, this she knows for a fact. It doesn't matter that she's dating Jesse or that's she's beyond fucked up because right now she's with him, __**her Noah**__._

"_I love you," he whispers and she feels him say it rather than hears it._

"_I love you, too, Noah. So, so very much."_

"I remember," he says quietly as he studies his son. "I can't believe she was pregnant and didn't tell me. The _one_ woman I actually wanted to have babies with, kept them from me. It feels like high school all over again."

"Noah, I know you're upset with Rachel, but she's been through so much. I know this is asking a lot, but can you find it in your heart to forgive her?" Deborah asks.

He looks from his son to his baby girl who's watching him and her brother closely. He holds out his large hand towards her and in one motion she's in his lap, cuddled close. He smiles, "Noah and Nova, _my_ kids. Who would have thought?"

"Honey, I understand if you need some time to deal with this," Deborah says.

"Deal with what? They're my children, mine and Rachel's. There's nothing more to deal with. I love them and I love her and I'm going to stand by all of them no matter what. I didn't get to fight for Beth and as much as I regret giving her up, it was the best choice, but them? I could never give them up. I love them," he says, dropping a kiss on both of their heads. "I always knew a part of me was missing, you know?" he asks his mother, his eyes never leaving his children. "Like when Rachel left me, she didn't just take away a part of me and now I know it's because she did. I've felt so incomplete these past two years and now just looking at them, I feel whole again."

Deborah smiles and runs her hand over her grandson's unruly curls. "I'm so proud of you, Noah. Whatever you and Rachel decide to do, I know it will work out."

He watches as the little boy's eyes flutter open, revealing green eyes identical to his sister's and his grandmother's. "They have your eyes?" he asks his mother and she nods silently.

He smiles and watches as the little boy looks across at his sister snuggled into a strange man's arms. He finds it odd that she seems so relaxed without their mother around, but if she's okay then there's no reason for him to panic.

His thoughts are interrupted when the man starts talking, his voice low and smooth, nothing like the man that lived with them in New York. "Hey buddy, I know this seems kind of weird and I know you've never seen me before, but I'm your daddy. You might have heard about me before or maybe not, but I promise to take care of you guys. I love you both so much, I'll never let anyone hurt you," he whispers.

Almost as if on cue, the babies look at each other and then back to him. "Dadda?" they say in unison.

He closes his eyes when he hears them call his name. It's officially his favorite sound in the entire world, right next to the sound of Rachel's laugh. He smiles widely. "That's me and I'm here to take care of you guys and your momma."

Nova smiles and snuggles against him, her soft baby skin pressing against his hard wall of muscle. He finds it odd that's he's holding her so comfortably because she's so small, but she fits so perfectly that he never wants to let go. Her eyes begin to flutter closed and he presses a kiss on top of her soft hair. "Sweet dreams, baby girl," he whispers as she falls asleep.

He looks back toward his son who's openly staring at him as if he's still trying to figure out who he is. "So, you're Noah number two," he says to the little boy who smiles in response, his dimpled cheeks and baby smile melting his father's heart. Noah shakes his head, adorable baby or not, he's not going to turn into a pussy and he'll be damned if his son does too.

"Well, any son of mine is destined to be badass so we're gonna have to give you a badass name 'cause trust me, _Noah_ just doesn't cut it. It's cute and all when you're a baby, but we've got to find you badass name. I've already taken Puck so how would you like to be Puck Jr.? We'll call you P.J. for short," he says and the little boy laughs.

He feels his heart swell at the melodic sound of his son's laughter. It's a sound so beautiful it almost brings him to tears. He's only been a father for ten minutes and already he feels as though he was meant to do this.

"Alright then, P.J. it is, just don't tell your mother, she'll refuse to call you anything but your given name, trust me" he whispers into the little boy's ear.

Deborah watches as her son interacts with his children. She loves how excited he seems over the whole ordeal, she'd honestly been worried he'd reject them out of spite.

As their conversation dies down, she watches as they all fall asleep together, cuddled closely. An overwhelming sense of relief passes through her and she feels like for once, all is right.

* * *

**Author's note: Sorry for the delay, school's been keeping me very busy so to make up for it I put as much Puckleberry as possible in this chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it and I promise things will get better for them eventually.**

**I received a few pms asking to respond to their reviews and questions so I'll put it at the end of each chapter instead of the beginning. I personally hate when author's do this, but if it what the readers want, then I'll oblige.**

**Anon: Yes, Deborah seems a little pushy, but kept in mind Rachel completely broke her son. Deborah's been around since Rachel's was a child and she loved her like her own so she has the right to be upset when she finds out she's been lied to. Regardless, she'll get better as they goes on and hopefully you'll like her more then. Thanks for reviewing.**

**ImInLoveWithNoahPuckerman: I plan on finishing this, school's been getting in my way. I'm glad you like this better than the original, it was my first story, but it was poorly written. **

**clmeinscher: I'm sorry I made you cry, hope it was worth it though!**

**christaarayy: Glad you liked it, hope this one is even better than the last!**

**m-white624: Thank you!**

**neppo618: I'm happy he's back too, I can't wait for them to settle down and be a family. I'm a sucker for Puckleberry family stories.**

**JAMES-EAI: Thanks so much!**

**rjewels18: hope you like this one just as much!**

**auhaes23: I hope you enjoy this one too**

**SassyBR: Thank you, I aim to please.**

**TommyH: Yes he is ;)**

**Roxy555: Yes, even though he's back it will definitely not be instant Puckleberry romance. Rachel has a ton of baggage to sort through and Puck has his own unidentified issues. Plus, they're young so raising a family isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows. I try to keep it as realistic as possible. Glad you liked it.**

**seher143: Yes, he's here! Let the real story begin!**

**BellaRose555: Glad you liked it.**

**RainbowGleek: Puckleberry will take a while to be back to the way they were, there's still a lot they need to address before a romantic relationship starts, but they do love each other and that will never change.**

**TheCdKnight: Sorry about the suspense, but you'll have to wait until next chapter to figure out what's wrong with Rachel.**

**Beta read by ****ameliaapond**

******Please review.**


	14. Where it Began

**Disclaimer: Do not own Glee!**

**Warning: Sensitive material, adult audience only**

* * *

_It's the day after Regionals and true to her word, Shelby drops Rachel off at the clinic first thing in the morning. The older woman hasn't spoken one word to the teenager since she'd told her she was pregnant. She doesn't trust herself enough to even look at the girl without completely loosing her temper. It's not that she doesn't love her daughter, she's doing this because of how much she loves her, it's that she doesn't want to say or do something she'll regret, something that will permanently ruin her relationship with her daughter. She knows forcing Rachel to have an abortion is not the ideal solution-she doesn't even believe it's ethical after all-but she needs the problem to disappear and this is the only way she knows how. She knows Rachel is strong, hell the girl's had her childhood snatched away by a man she loved and trusted and she's still moving forward, but even someone as strong as Rachel cannot handle adoption. If anyone knows, it's Shelby. She thought she was strong once upon a time and look where it's landed her. _

_The idea of Rachel keeping the baby sickens Shelby. Her baby girl is only sixteen and after everything she's been through she deserves to live. She deserves a chance to be a normal teenager and have fun, she deserves a chance to learn and make her own mistakes (besides getting herself knocked up), and most of all she deserves a chance to be successful. Her baby girl deserves the world, it didn't matter that she wasn't around for the first fourteen years of the girl's life or that she'd made an idiotic decision when she decided to be a surrogate and carry a child for nine months and then hand it over, she was going to try her hardest to help Rachel become the star she's destined to be. _

_She's sitting in the waiting room with Jesse going over her lesson plans for the next day. She appears calm and collected as usual, but on the inside she's anything but. These past two days she's known of Rachel's pregnancy have been the absolute worst days out of her entire life. She wants to shrivel up in a ball and cry for her daughter but she can't. Her only option is to remain strong and pretend like things are okay even though she knows they never will be. Yesterday's performance allowed her to vent a little though, she'd unleashed her anger on all of Vocal Adrenaline before they went on stage. It didn't make her feel any better like it usually did, she couldn't even enjoy watching her daughter on stage performing flawlessly because of the way her heart is breaking for the girl. She knows it's selfish to be this upset, but when it comes to Rachel she doesn't know any other way. She knows this will break their relationship and that her daughter will probably hate her for the rest of her life, but she knows it will be worth it when her baby girl's name is light up all across New York. She knows that Rachel's future will only become brighter after they move on from this, or at least she prays it does._

_Out of the corner of her eye she can see Jesse gnawing anxiously on his fingernails, his leg bouncing up and down at rapid speed. She wishes she had some compassion for the boy, but considering the fact that he'd manage to singlehandedly ruin all of the progress Rachel has made, she can find even an ounce of sympathy. _

"_Will you stop fidgeting?" she snaps and almost immediately the boy jumps to attention, blinking furiously as if he's just been woken up from a dream._

"_Sorry," he murmurs, a very unlike Jesse characteristic. "It's just . . ."_

"_What?" she interrupts him as he trails off, struggling to find the right words._

"_I don't think this is right. It's a baby, a real life human being, killing it just isn't right," he says, chewing his lip nervously._

"_What are you saying, Jesse?" she sighs in exasperation. "You want to keep the baby and move to New York with, Rachel? You want to be teenage parents and sacrifice your dreams?" he shakes his head. "That's what I thought. I wish by some miracle that it would be possible for Rachel to carry the baby and put it up for adoption, but she's not strong enough for that, this is the only option."_

_He opens his mouth to protest, but he catches something in her cinnamon colored eyes that shuts him up. Despite what people may think, he's not a complete asshole. He loves Rachel, but he's not in love with her. She's his best friend, his only friend if he's completely honest, they're practically the same person. Overly talented, ambitious, demanding, and bold are just the few characteristics he and Rachel share and while it makes them great friends and potential lovers, it doesn't make for good parents. They're both too selfish when it comes to their dreams, always competing against each other for solos, raising a baby together would be hell for them. They'd end up hating each other just like every other couple that becomes a statistic and has a baby they're nowhere near ready for. The last thing he wants is to loose his best friend, he doesn't remember them sleeping together, he was always way too drunk, he only remembers waking up naked next to her on multiple occasions. He cares about Rachel and he knows that being forced to murder the child she's probably already in love with will kill her, he wants to stop her more than ever, but he knows he's powerless against Shelby and the thought of loosing his best friend and being stuck in Lima with a baby keeps him rooted to his seat with his mouth shut._

"_Shouldn't somebody be with her at least? I mean, I really don't want her to be alone for this," he whispers and Shelby nods even though she'd much rather stay as far away from the room as possible. Nausea overtakes her every time she even begins to think of the procedure she's forcing her daughter to undergo, but she shoves the thought away each time convincing herself that this is for the best._

_She stands on shaking legs and adjusts her signature black pencil skirt, pulling it up around her waist. She runs her hands down her silky purple shirt and flips her hair over her shoulders, mentally preparing herself for what she's about to do. She fixes her face into a cold hard, 'Shelby Corcoran' perfected glare and takes a deep breath. Perfection and professionalism are all she knows, it's all she's ever been taught, even as a child she was expected to be the best as a reflection of the high status her family held. There was never any room for mistakes in the Corcoran household, only perfection was welcome. So now, even though she knows her behavior is irrational, she keeps her composure and remains professional as she walks to the reception desk and asks if she can see her daughter, living behind the words her father had branded into her mind as a child. "Emotion is for the weak, Shelby," he would whisper to her at night before bed, most children were told bedtime stories, Shelby Corcoran was taught to be succesful. _

_The nurse behind the desk gives her a look that can only be described as downright dirty but Shelby brushes it off like she does with anything else unworthy of her notice and a few moments later, she's escorted to the room._

_She hesitates before knocking on the door, taking one last calming breath. This may be the second hardest thing she's ever had to do since handing over her flesh and blood to a young gay couple, sealing the deal with a contract to keep her away from her only child. She didn't think anything could be harder than that, but clearly she was wrong. A nurse opens the door and immediately she's aware of the hysterical sobbing of her daughter. She's lying on an examine table in a white gown that's pushed up to her chest, her flat stomach bare and exposed. The sheets on the bed cover her lower half and Rachel's fists grip them tightly as she withers and cries while the doctor struggles to perform an ultrasound._

_She rushes to her daughter's side and begins stroking her hair, whispering words of reassurance she doesn't even believe into the struggling girl's ear. Rachel visibly calms, but doesn't stop crying and Shelby feels something inside her tear._

"_Do you think I could have a moment alone with my daughter?" Shelby asks the doctor who shrugs and leaves the room with his nursing staff in tow._

_Almost as soon as he's out the door, Rachel's is off of the bed and in the corner of the room, shaking so hard Shelby can literally hear the girl's teeth rattling._

"_Oh baby girl," she cries as she pulls her daughter into her arms._

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," Rachel whispers fiercely. "I c-can't do this. I knew it wasn't daddy, but I kept seeing his face. He made me take off my clothes and then he was touching me, and then the bed and it . . . it's too much. I'm sorry," Rachel sobs and Shelby holds her closer realizing that forcing Rachel to do this was much harder than she could have imagined. She didn't realize this would the young singer to face the fears she kept bottled inside. Shelby knew her daughter disliked men and beds and people in general, so why she thought her daughter could __**ever**__ handle this is beyond her. Part of her was just so desperate to fix the mistake and pretend it never existed and the other part was disappointed and disgusted that she'd failed as a mother when all she'd ever been taught was to succeed. She'd failed at the one thing she always promised to do right, her sixteen-year-old daughter is pregnant and she did nothing to stop it from happening. Her thoughts are disappear almost as soon as they occur because of the sobbing girl in her arms. Her failure no longer matters, the only thing on her mind is comforting her baby girl after she broke her yet again._

"_I tried to do the exercises I learned in therapy, but they weren't working, I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me, but I just couldn't . . . Leroy's face was everywhere. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to panic or cause anymore trouble," Rachel sobs. _

"_No, no I'm sorry baby girl," Shelby whispers, burying her face in her daughter's hair. "I should have never forced you into this, I just wanted what was best for you. God, what kind of mother am I?" she cries, letting the tears she's been holding for far too long cascade down her face. "You deserve so much more than this and I'm so, so sorry. Do you think you can find it in your heart to forgive me, baby girl?" Shelby pleads._

_Rachel sobs and buries her head in her mother's chest even though she's absolutely furious with her. She wants nothing more than to scream at the woman who calls herself a 'mother', but she can't. Leroy's face is fresh in her mind and she needs to get out and Shelby is her only escape. She can't let that doctor near herself or the babies she'd seen for the first time a few minutes ago. Those two little flashing white dots on the black screen are the world to her. It doesn't matter that she's barely sixteen years old or that she has no clue how to raise a baby, let alone two, she's already promised to love and protect them with all her might. She has to, they're her children and she's their mother, that's all that matters in her eyes. _

"_I'll forgive if you take me home and promise me he'll never touch me again. Let my keep my babies and I will pretend this never happened," Rachel says, her brown eyes boring into her mother's, she's not letting down on her promise, she'll fight with every ounce of strength in her body to keep her babies safe._

_Shelby takes a deep unsteady breath. "Rachel, is this what you want? To be an unwed teenage mother forced to give up on her dreams to raise a child she didn't want?" Shelby asks, her eyes searching her daughter's for answers._

"_Yes," Rachel answers quickly and surely. "There's nothing more I want than to raise my babies, I have to keep them safe. I don't expect someone who willing gave their child away to understand, but I have an overwhelming need to protect them. I can't kill them, I __**won't**__. Marital status and dreams mean nothing to me if I can't keep my children safe. I'll give everything and anything in me to be the best mother to them, I need to do this."_

_Shelby swallows thickly and ignores the stab in her chest when Rachel tells her that she doesn't understand because honestly, she may be the one person that understands to the fullest extent what her daughter is going through. Her eyes flood with a fresh wave of tears and her chest tightens painfully, but she holds it together. "Emotions are for the weak, Shelby," she hears her father's voice echo in her mind. She clears her throat in attempt to salvage whatever strength she has left so she doesn't completely fall apart. "If that's what you want, I only want you to be happy."_

"_I want my babies, both of them. I love them so much already, they're a part of me. They're a new beginning, something fresh for me. My life has been one huge mess, one incident after another, but this is different. I can do this, for once in my life I'm being given something good, when I think about these babies it's like everything bad has been erased. I need that, Shelby. I need them and they need me," Rachel says, her voice thick with tears while she grips her mother's silk shirt in her small hands._

_Shelby nods and takes a deep breath, hugging her daughter close. "Okay," she whispers. "Just promise me you'll never stop fighting, that you'll live your life to its fullest and never look back. That you won't let this stop you from living."_

"_I promise."_

He blinks his eyes open slowly, his children curled into his chest with his arms around them holding them as they sleep. He smiles down at them admiring how peaceful and innocent they look. He should be freaking out right now, he's twenty-two years old and only a few months away from graduating, he's got his entire life ahead of him to do whatever he wants, only now he's got two kids to raise. Sure it's not going to be easy and he has no idea how to be a father, but it's where he's meant to be and he wouldn't have it any other way. He doesn't understand how these two little people have managed to completely turn his life around and give it a purpose in less than twenty-four hours but he's not going to question it because he's never loved something so much in his entire life.

His daughter is curled into a little ball across his chest, her long brown curls strewn across her perfect little face. Gently, he pushes her hair back and places a kiss on her forehead as she snores quietly. She's so small and angelic that he's in awe that he was able to create something so perfect. She definitely takes after her mother, he thinks to himself but the thought is soon lost as he looks down at his son, his pint sized doppelganger sprawled out across his lap. The little boy is passed out on his back with his legs and arms dangling in all directions, a small puddle of drool forming on his jeans from the little boy open mouth. He smirks, little Noah definitely takes after him and he wouldn't have it any other way, he _is_ the Puckerone after all.

He always imagined him and Rachel having a daughter first, a little girl for him to spoil and protect and it hits him, he doesn't even know which twin is older-hell, he doesn't even know their birthday. He doesn't know their likes and dislikes, their favorite toys, or their favorite games. He knows absolutely nothing about his children and yet he would die for them in a heartbeat. The thought scares him, but not as much as facing Rachel after all this time, after she hid his children from him. He shakes his head, and places his large hand on his daughter's back, amazed that she almost fits in the palm of his hand, he feels more relaxed with her around, just knowing that she's here and safe keeps his worrying mind at ease. He prays that he'll be a good father to his children, that he'll be able to teach them right from wrong. He's not entirely sure he's cut out for fatherhood, but the thought of loosing the two precious children in his lap makes him sick to his stomach. Somehow he'll make it work, he's got his Ma and Rebekah to help him out and he's almost positive Rachel won't let him fail.

"Noah?" his mother's voice brings him out of his thoughts. "Are you alright, dear?"

He runs his face over his face in exasperation wondering how long he'd been asleep. "I'm fine, is everything okay with Rachel?"

"She's back in her room, sleeping. The surgery was successful, they said you can go see her if you wish," Deborah says quietly as she sits down next to her son.

"You want me to go see her?" he asks as his mother shrugs in response. "I don't know, Ma. It's been two and a half years and-

"And she needs you, Noah," she interrupts. "She's always needed you there by her side. Yes, she has made mistakes and yes, she's hurt us, but we're family. Go see her and talk to her, she's unconscious, but she can hear you. Go make amends and fight for your family, be the man I know you're capable of being."

He sighs and looks down at his two beautiful children. His mother is right, he needs to go and see Rachel, he needs to get everything off of his chest and this is his chance. He needs to do this for his kids, they need their father. He cradles his little girl in his arms as he passes her sleeping form to his mother who holds her close. He picks up his son and places a soft kiss on his chubby cheek before handing him over as well.

The walk down the hallway seems to take him forever, his heavy footsteps echoing down the quiet corridor. He stands outside her room going over everything he wants to say to her, everything he needs to say in order to forgive her and he realizes he's terrified. Seeing Rachel opens up wounds he'd thought had healed years ago. His last memory of her is after they'd made love at the party, the last time he felt Noah make an appearance in what seemed to be 'Puck's life'. They'd confessed their love for each other and promised to work out their issues only for St. James to call and ruin everything. She'd told him that she'd only ever loved him and yet she'd mumbled a quick "I love you" to Jesse before she'd hung up the phone. Yes, he knew Jesse was her boyfriend and the thought alone was enough to make him want to light his skin on fire, but hearing her say those three little words to another guy infuriated him. He'd loved Rachel Berry since he was ten years old, how dare she tell another guy she loved him when she'd said it to him not ten minutes ago? He remembers the 'not-so-nice' way he'd told her to leave before driving off, leaving her behind, his heart breaking as he sped off towards Ohio State where he got drunk off his ass and fucked the first girl he saw.

He shakes his head and clears away the awful memories, he needs to face his fears before his anger and frustration get the better of him and he does something to ruin his one chance of getting his family together. He runs his hand over his short strip of hair and mentally calms himself before pushing open the white door to Rachel's room. Almost immediately after stepping forward, his eyes lock with the tiny, fragile brunette lying in the center of the hospital bed.

"Holy fuck," he whispers to himself as his brain processes the image of Rachel Berry after so many years. He stands frozen in the doorway, his eyes wide with shock as he absorbs her appearance and before he realizes it, his fists are clenched angrily at his side.

"What happened to her?" he demands, acknowledging a nurse he recognizes as his mother's friend Joanne, who was checking Rachel's vitals.

"She had a few cracked ribs, they needed surgically repaired," the nurse responded quietly. She was all too familiar with the angry outbursts of Noah Puckerman, having been around Deborah since he was a child.

"I know that," he said through clenched teeth. "_How_ did this happen?" he spat.

He really didn't mean to lash out at Joanne, she was only doing her job after all, but this is not what he expected. He had not prepared himself for this battered image of Rachel lying before him. Yes, he knew she was raped, but beaten and broken? No. Not Rachel, not _his _Rachel Berry. Her long brown hair is still the same, only it's dull and hangs limply around her sullen face. There's a small, deep gash that's been stitched up on her forehead and her nose and cheek are bruised, an almost visible handprint mutilating her once perfect face. Her bottom lip is busted and he's been in enough fights to know exactly how that particular injury happens.

"We're not entirely sure, Deborah only brought her in a few hours ago and the poor girl was complaining of chest pain. Her chest was so bruised we knew something was broken and sure enough it was her ribs, two on the left and one on the right. I don't know if you're familiar with anatomy, but it takes a hell of a lot to crack a rib, let alone three. It takes an unbelievable amount of force and trauma to do something like this," she says, pausing to see his reaction. His hazel are blazing with anger and something else she can't place. She knows this girl is important to him and she'll do anything she can to help them.

"Look, Noah, I'm not supposed to say anything, but I can't help it. Someone did this to her, these injuries are no accident. Someone has been hurting her for quite some time now, most of her injuries are old."

"What do you mean, 'most of her injuries'?" he said, walking towards her.

She sighs and adjusts one of the monitors attached to Rachel. "Well, her forehead is one. Judging by the amount of infected tissues they cleaned, it's been there for quite a while and it hasn't been treated, it'll be a miracle if it doesn't scar. There's also extensive bruising around her torso, visible footprints and welts. The backs of her legs are also infected, she has severe burns on her thighs that blistered and were full of infectivity. She's on a lot of antibiotics to clear them up, but it's going to take time for her body to heal," she pauses and frowns deeply. "There's also these," she says, peeling back a bandage to reveal several horizontal red lines across the top of her forearm and a few vertical ones on the inside of her wrist.

He pales instantly and for a second she thinks he's going to be sick. "Noah, it's not as bad as you think. Most of them are old and because she has them on her stomach and upper thighs as well, my best guess is that it's a coping method, most likely a result of the abuse. She didn't do it to kill herself, at least she hasn't recently, those two vertical ones would have been fatal, but they've been stitched professionally and they've healed. She obviously knows what she's doing and judging by the amount of scars, she didn't care to stop. I don't know this girl or anything about what she's been through, but I do know that she's going to need you when she wakes up."

He clears his throat and wipes the tears from his eyes before they can fall. "I'll be there for her whether she wants me to or not, she's my everything and I'm not letting her go ever again."

Joanne nods and pats his shoulder gently before leaving him alone with Rachel. As soon as he hears the door click shut, he's sobbing. Heavy tears fall from his eyes and cries rip violently through he chest as he weeps. His anger toward Rachel has completely dissipated and an overwhelming sense of sadness and pain has settled in his heart. He cries so hard, he doesn't even realize his mother attempting to comfort him while she cradles her sleeping grandchildren.

"Joanne told me what happened," she whispers as his sobs quiet into painful moans and whimpers. "I am so, so sorry, Noah."

He shakes his head and sniffles, tears leaking down his face. His chest aches and his head is pounding, but it's nothing compared to the sharp pain in his heart. It feels as if it's literally been ripped from his chest and shredded before him. He's hurting not only mentally, but physically for the girl in front of him, almost as if his pain is mirroring hers.

"I need answers, Ma," he sobs and Deborah frowns, placing a hand on her son's shaking shoulders. "I need to know who did this to her, I need to know because I am going to fucking murder them!" he screams and she jumps back, clutching her grandchildren to her chest. His emotions are everywhere, seeing Rachel in this state has literally caused him to go mad and at the moment he's absolutely livid.

He pulls away from her and paces the floor angrily, his fists clenched and his eyes burning. "Someone did this, someone purposely hurt her and all I want to do is bash their fucking face in until nobody knows who the hell they are. Someone hurt her so badly that she tried to take her own life and I want them to pay. I want them dead!" he roars.

Deborah stands back in shock, covering the babies' ears as best she can. Never in twenty-two years has she seen her son this angry. His eyes are not the soft hazel she's used to, they're dark and threatening. She can see every flexed muscle in his body, the angry veins in his neck and forehead, and the way his chest heaves and he breathes through his flared nostrils. He resembles a monster, the way he's pacing and growling around the room and it frightens her to see him this way. She's just about to take the children and leave the room when he hurls his fist towards the wall, punching a whole through the surface. The loud cracks rings through the air and he pulls his hand back, examining his bloody knuckles. All he can see is red as he imagines himself beating the fucker who hurt Rachel into oblivion.

"Noah," she gasps as the children in her arms stir from their sleep and before she knows it he's punching the wall repeatedly as her grandchildren watch with terrified eyes.

One sickening crack after the other fill the air until he's too exhausted to fight any longer. He slumps against the wall, burying his face in his hands. He can hear his children crying loudly and it tears at him in a new kind of way he realizes he hates even more. He forces himself up and he walks towards the crying babies in his mother's arms. He watches in pure horror as they flinch away from him and cry harder into their grandmother's neck.

He looks to his mother, but only receives a look of pure sadness in her eyes.

"Nova," he says quietly as reaches for his daughter, holding her tightly against his chest. "Ssh, princess, please don't cry," he whispers gently as he rocks her. "Daddy is sorry, please princess, don't cry. You don't have to be afraid of me. I promise I would never ever hurt you or little Noah. I love you guys so much, you're my entire world. I'd do anything to protect you."

She cries and snuggles against him because even though he scared her, she's still comforted by him. She knows he's not like the man in New York because that man never made her feel safe and he was always mean, but this man she calls 'Dadda' is different. She lays her head on his chest and listens to the funny rumbling sound it makes as he hums quietly against her hair. She hears him begin to sing quietly and it's a song she's never heard before, but she quickly realizes she likes it and she likes him too.

"_Where it began_

_I can't begin to knowing_

_But then I know it's growing strong._

_Was in the spring_

_And spring became a summer_

_Who'd believe you'd come along,"_

His voice is lowand smooth, different from anything she's ever heard before. It's warm and calming and she clutches his shirt as he rocks her to the beat of the song.

"_Hands_

_Touching hands_

_Reaching out_

_Touching me_

_Touching you"_

He's so focused on calming his little girl that he doesn't realize she's stopped crying, along with her brother or that Rachel has started to rouse from her sleep.

"_Sweet Caroline_

_Good times never seemed so good_

_I've been inclined_

_To believe they never would_

_But now I_

_Look at the night_

_And it don't seem so lonely_

_We full it up with only two_

_And when I hurt_

_Hurting runs off my shoulders_

_How can I hurt when holding you?"_

He whispers the last part and looks down into his daughter's green eyes. She's smiling and clapping her hands and almost instantly the overwhelming pain that had ripped at him has vanished as his baby girl giggles in his arms.

"Dadda!" little Noah calls out and Noah scoops him into his other arm, planting huge kisses on both of their cheeks.

"Do you forgive daddy?" he asks quietly as his son wraps his arms around his neck.

He closes his eyes and smiles as he holds his children and when he opens them, he's met with a pair of chocolate brown eyes he never thought he'd see again.

* * *

**Author's note: So terribly sorry this took so long to update and I apologize for the shortness. I know you're probably disappointed in the way this chapter ended, but hopefully the next one will make up for that.**

**Beta read by ameliaapond**

**Disclaimer: Do not own the right or lyrics to 'Sweet Caroline'.**

**Thank you all for you're lovely reviews!**

**NoahandMattFoReVeR: So glad you like the direction of the story, thank you for the compliment. I hope you enjoy this chapter and all the rest to come!**

**Veggie95: Puckleberry interaction might take a while, but I promise when it happens it'll be epic! And of course, he's daddy Puck, can you see him any other way?**

**Amy: sorry it took so long to get this chapter out, I promise the next one won't take so long. Glad you liked it.**

**JAMES-EAI: I've missed everyone! Your review makes my day, sorry it took so long to post this. I've been super busy.**

**seher143: Awe, I'm glad you liked it, hopefully the next ones will be just as good.**

**BellaRose55: He won't be able to fix Rachel alone, it'll take a lot of support from his mother and even Rebekah to get Rachel to back to her normal self, but eventually it will happen. Glad you liked it!**

**auhaes23: Sorry you had to wait so long for this, I hope it's worth it! And if you think that was emotional, you're in for a long ride.**

**neppo618: glad you enjoyed it!**

**m-white624: Thank you, glad you enjoyed it!**

**Potato: You make a good point and I honestly didn't think of it that way, I just saw it as something Puck could use to bond with his son, but now that I really think about it, I don't like it either. Perhaps I can use this idea in later chapters, thanks for the review. Glad you liked it anyway.**

**iamastar: Yes, yes, yes. Puckleberry all the way!**

**christaarayy: It's finally here, sorry I made you wait so long :(**** hope you enjoy it anyway!**

**clmeinscher: Awe thank you, that means a lot to me.**

**Anon: This is definitely going to be an emotional roller coaster. Hope you're up for the ride!**

**rjewels18: Hope you love this one just as much!**

**ImInLoveWithNoahPuckerman: You're welcome :) Hope you enjoy this as well, thanks for the review!**

**Anon: Sorry for the jab at Quinn, but she's not really a friend of Rachel's in this story. Shelby and Beth will make an appearance and you'll find out what happens to Jessse soon!**

**winterfresh: Thank you, I'm glad you think this is well written, the last one wasn't so great. And Shelby will be back, she's one of my favorite characters so trust me, she'll definitely play a part in this.**

**LivinLife: Sorry it's made you upset, my goal isn't to make anyone cry. I'm afraid this chapter isn't a very happy one, but on a happier note, you find out what's going on in Puck's head and there's some cute daddy Puck moments! The next few chapters are gonna be kinda sad, but I promise it'll get better!**

**LindsaylovesPacey: Thank you so much and trust me, the old version was just plain awful. I'm glad you're ready this even though it's out of your comfort zone, it kinda gives me a boost of confidence so thank you for your review! Hopefully this chapter will shed some light for you on what's to come.**

**Please continue to support this story and review.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Do not own Glee!**

**Warning: Adult content, sensitive material. Mature audience only.**

* * *

She's pulled from a peaceful dreamless sleep by a smooth low voice, a voice she's known since she was seven years old. She can hear how it's changed, how the once high-pitched tone has deepened into a deep bass, even lower than the last time she'd seen him. His voice is no longer that of a little boy's or a teenager's. It's a man's voice, a real man.

She can hear everything in his voice, the pain, the sadness, the fear, the joy, every single thing he's feeling. She can visualize him too, tall and broad just like the he was two years ago, but his face would be different. His jawline is more defined and his cheeks a little less chubby. His voice changes as he shifts into the chorus and she can hear the raw emotion he emits, the sound mirroring her visual of him. She imagines he'd grown out his hair-or at least she prays he did-and that his face is scruffy with stubble. His voice takes on a sad, softer tone and she can practically see the frown lines across his smooth forehead and the grief in his hazel eyes.

She hears him walking around the room to the beat of the song and she can almost picture him holding their children, rocking them in his muscular arms as he sings, her arms wrapped around his chiseled abs from behind while her cheek rests against his warm back. The picture in her mind is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen. Her family, the one she knows will never exist. The chorus is ending and the picture is fading as her body and mind begin to fully awaken. She fights to keep her eyes closed, to hang on and listen to the voice for as long as she can, but her body is aching from being still for so long and her mind is now completely awake and racing.

She hears him sing the second verse and slowly she opens her eyes, trying not to move her stiff limbs too much for him to notice. She doesn't want him to stop signing, his voice makes her feel as if she's stuck in a dream, one she never wants to wake up from.

She can tell by the way his voice has slowed that he's ending the song prematurely and she opens her eyes enough to see something other than darkness and almost immediately she wants to close them to keep out the blinding light coming from the ceiling. Almost as if on cue, all of her senses awaken and she's aware of where she is. The white walls, nauseating smell of bleach and other cleaning products, the constant beep of the monitor attached to her index finger, and the hustle of shoes walking up and down pristine white hallways draw her to the conclusion that she is in fact in a hospital, her least favorite place.

Suddenly, she's wide awake and before she can stop herself, she's sitting up, eyes wide, alert, and locked on a pair of all too familiar hazels. He catches her off guard, her brown eyes scared and frantic and almost as soon as she's up, she's crumpling back down in pain, her eyes clenched shut as an unbearable soreness rips across her chest area.

"Rachel!" he exclaims as he rushes towards her. "Are you okay?"

She groans as she wraps her arms around herself, willing the pain to stop. She feels the bed dip and she opens her eyes to see him sitting next to her, her babies clinging to him as they watch their mother wither in pain.

"Momma," Nova whimpers as she reaches for her mother.

"Momma just had surgery, princess, she's feeling a little sick right now," Noah tries to explain to his daughter, but the stubborn toddler refuses to listen. Instead she flips herself around in his lap and reaches for her mother again, determine to crawl into Rachel's arms.

"No Dadda!" the toddler yells as she squirms away from her father.

Rachel watches as her daughter prepares to throw one of her famous temper tantrums and she wants nothing more than to comfort her little girl, but the pain in her chest is barely letting up and she doesn't think she can speak even if she tried.

He feels his daughter struggle against his grip and luckily he has guns of steel and can hold her back while still keeping a firm grip on his son who watches his sister in what Puck assumes is amusement. He closes his eyes for a split second as reality finally sets in. He's only been a father for a few short hours, but those hours have been nothing but pure bliss. There were no crying fits, no temper tantrums, no fighting or arguments, no messy diapers, or aggravation. His first few hours of fatherhood have been the best of his life, but all that is changing as his daughter cries and struggles against him while his son pulls on his shirt trying to get his attention.

The sound of Nova's cries tear at his heart, it's the second time he's made her cry in less than an hour, needless to say he feels like the worst father ever. He's even more than tempted to give up and walk out of the room and out of their lives. They'd be better off without him anyway, he has no idea who he was fooling before when he thought he could handle being a father. Just look at what an example he has to follow. He loves his children, there's no doubt about that, but he wants the best for them and having a no good immature guy like him who can barely take care of himself for a father is not what he wants for his children. They're only kids, they won't remember who he is and considering the fact that he'd only found out about them a few short hours ago, he sees no reason to stick around. Besides, they deserve more than him. He's has no job and even though he tries his hardest in school, his life is headed nowhere fast. He drinks too much, swears like a sailor, and bangs everything with breasts, there's no way he's cut out to be a father, let alone a good one. He's nothing but a pathetic excuse for a man following in his father's footsteps. It kills him to walk away, just the thought of never seeing his children again tears him apart, but he knows it for the best.

He's about to give up, he's five seconds away from giving up on the family he'd dreamed of having ever since he was old enough to know what family is and search for his mother. He's planning his excuse now, how he's going to make up some bullshit lie and explain to her that he can't be here anymore. He goes to stand up and prepare himself to say goodbye to the children he barely knows when his little boy lets out a stream of incoherent babbles followed by the exact same panty dropping smirk he'd worked so many years on perfecting. And it hits him, just like a slap in the face. This is his son, his living breathing carbon copy and if he leaves his son will turn out to be the exact same fuck up he is. He blinks furiously as he stares into the little boy's green eyes. He can't let this happen, he can't let his children grow up thinking their father didn't love them the way he did. He can't let his children grow up hating him and acting out. He can't be his father, he won't. There's no way he can walk out on his children and never look back. He'll never let his children feel unwanted and abandoned the way he did, sure they'll have Rachel just like he had Ma and Rebekah, but it's not the same and if anyone knows that, it's him. He knows he's not an ideal father and that his children deserve so much more, but he has to try. Even if it's to keep his son from turning out like him, he has to try.

He acts quickly, allowing his instincts to take over. He sets his son down on the bed and blows a raspberry on the little boy's cheek while he shrieks with laughter and shifts Nova so she's being held firmly against his shoulder away from her mother. The little girl wails loudly and kicks her little feet against his chest in anger, but it hardly fazes him. Instead, he rubs his hand over her back soothingly and whispers against her hair.

"Hey princess," he murmurs against Nova's head as he pulls her against his chest. "If you wait just a little bit longer for the doctors to come and make momma better, I promise she'll hold you and maybe if we're lucky she'll sing us a song." He says, shooting a pleading look to Rachel who's struggling to keep her breathing steady through the pain. Somehow she manages to nod and it's enough to satisfy Nova into relaxing against her father's touch.

He hums quietly against her head as he rubs her back while making funny faces at his son, keeping the little boy occupied. Rachel shifts uncomfortably and bites her lip to keep herself from crying out in pain. She watches as Noah multitasks, giving his attention to both toddlers. Tears flood in her eyes and she blinks them away before they can blur the heavenly vision before her. It amazes her how well he's adjusted to being a father, how naturally he'd taken to the role. Parenthood wasn't easy, she'd learned that the hard way and dealing with not one, but two toddlers was enough to make anyone want to pull their hair out. Especially when her daughter throws one of her famous diva tantrums. Her daughter was like her in more ways than one especially when things didn't go her way. Her tantrums could go on for hours without the little girl showing the simplest signs of letting up, if it's one thing Rachel had to pride her daughter on, it was her dedication. Once Nova decided to do something, she did it and she did it to the best of her abilities, even something as simple as coloring a picture merited all of the one and a half year olds attention. To say that Rachel was in complete shock over Noah's ability to calm the baby _and_ in record time was a complete understatement.

"Dadda!" little Noah shrieks with laughter as Puck pretends to growl like a bear and Rachel finds herself holding back laughter as she watches them play. Nova however, is dedicating her all to this tantrum and isn't letting her father off that easy. She gives him one last kick in the side followed by the angriest face she can possibly make at one and a half years old. Her little red scrunched up face sends her brother into a fit of hysterics and in record time she shifts from angry to angrier. She holds her breath while he laughs and prepares to scream her little head off at him. Rachel watches as the scene unfolds and moves to grab her daughter before their ears are exposed to a new type of decibel-a very, very loud decibel-but when she leans forward she feels like her insides have literally split in half. She takes a deep breath and reaches her arm out toward her daughter who gladly wraps her little hand around Rachel's thumb. Puck turns away from his giggling little boy when he feels Nova relax completely in his arms and smiles when he sees Rachel holding the little girl's hand. It amazes him that one touch from her mother is all Nova needed, but he always knew Rachel would be an amazing mother, he should have known that was all she needed from the beginning.

"Momma," the little girl whimpers and sits up against Noah's chest when she realizes her mother still isn't better like her nana had promised.

"Hi baby," Rachel whispers, her pain long forgotten about as she watches her son play with his father.

"Sing momma," Nova sniffles and wipes her runny nose and tear-streaked cheeks on her father's shirt.

"I can't right now baby, maybe tomorrow when I feel better."

"Momma has boo-boo?" Nova asks in confusion. "Boo-boo not gone?"

"Momma's boo-boo's are gone, but she's feeling a little sick. But we don't have to worry or be scared because the doctor's are gonna take good care of her," Noah answers just as his mother walks in.

"What's all the fuss about? I could hear this little one all the way down the hall! I'd say she definitely inherited her mother's lung capacity," Deborah says as she plucks her granddaughter out of his arms and cuddles her.

"Nana!" little Noah called as he raises his chubby arms up towards her.

"Hello little Noah, are you and you're sister having fun with your daddy?" she coos.

"Momma!" the little boy grins, pointing towards Rachel.

"Oh my goodness, Rachel, you're awake!" she exclaims and Rachel offers a small smile in return.

"Yea, she woke up a few minutes ago and she sat up, I think she may have torn a few stiches, do you think you can find her doctor? I want her examined," he says as he makes his way toward the head of Rachel's bed.

"Of course, we'll go find him right away," she says as she carries the twins form the room.

He swallows thickly as his mother leaves the room and he realizes that it's the first time he's been alone with Rachel since the twins were unknowingly conceived nearly two years ago. He runs his hand over his strip of hair in effort to calm his nerves. She watches him closely as he takes a seat in the chair next to her bed, his eyebrows furrowed and his hands clenching and unclenching revealing small bloody cuts scattered across his knuckles.

Slowly he drags his eyes up from the linoleum floor to meet her hers and the sadness and pain that lies behind her chocolate irises tears at his heart. "Rachel. . ." he begins.

She takes a deep breath despite the ache it causes in her chest and mentally prepares herself for the conversation she'd been dreading for the past two years.

"Noah," she croaks, surprised that she's able to find her voice through the pain radiating through her body. "What happened?"

"You had a broken rib, they had to surgically repair it so it didn't puncture your lungs. They also had to stich up your forehead and treat some of the burns on your legs," he says quietly.

He pauses for a moment and Rachel knows he needs this time to get everything off his chest, she knows she needs to explain herself, but right now he needs her to listen. It's nothing new to her, his need to explain his every thought to her, it's just like when they were young and he shared everything with her even though she could always read him like a book. But it's new to others, the idea that badass Noah 'Puck' Puckerman shares his feelings. She knows he's sensitive about it and that he doesn't handle his feelings and emotions well, but when it comes to their relationship, he'd always articulated them to the best of his ability, profanity included of course.

She nods her head and shifts into a more comfortable position, ready to give him her undivided attention. It's one of the things that made their relationship work so well, her ability to listen when he needed her and his ability to keep her sane when she went absolutely bat-shit crazy. It was like they were purposely given traits to balance each other out. They're polar opposites, they always have been, but just like magnets they're drawn to each other.

He stands up and rubs his sweaty palms across his jeans and the simple action tells her just how upset he really is. He paces the room slowly as he gathers his thoughts. He's angry-furious even, but he can't direct his anger at her, at least not until he finds out the truth. He chooses his words carefully and takes a deep breath, looking into her sad brown eyes.

"I don't understand this, Rachel. I've been thinking and thinking for the last eighteen hours and I just don't understand. It's been two and a half years, two and a half fucking years since I've seen you, let alone heard a single fucking word from you and all of a sudden you're here and you're…you're…different and we have two kids," he says. He runs his hands over his face, his anger getting the best of him like it usually does.

She watches his face, how his frown deepens as invisible thoughts run through his head. "I was getting better, I was finally getting better and you just had to go and fuck it all up. Do you know how long it took for me to get my shit together and stop moping around over you? Do you know how bad it hurt when I woke up every morning after that night knowing that I'd lost my girl to some rich show-tune singing jackass? Do you know how bad you hurt me?" he says. He tone is eerily calm, but she can see the tears welling in his eyes and the flare of his nostrils and she's thankful he's trying to keep from lashing out at her when she really does deserve it.

He runs his hand over his face again as tears sting behind his eyelids. "I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could barely function. Everything just hurt so fucking bad all the time! I hated everyone and I was angry, angrier than I ever thought possible. I hated you for doing that do me, or at least I wanted, but I couldn't because I loved you. I was still head over fucking heels for you and even though you broken my fucking heart, I couldn't stop loving you."

She nods her head while she listens to him and watches as he paces back and forth, completely ignoring the fact that she was in the room and it hits her. He's not talking to her or even at her, he's talking about her. He's sharing his feelings and each and every one of his thoughts, making himself vulnerable to her. He's opening up to her in a way that's she's never seen before. It's not a conversation he's looking for, it's much more than that. It's his way of getting everything off his chest without hurting her and yes, a part of him would love to see her hurt the way he did, but he tell by the look in her eyes that she has suffered and he loves her too much to ever hurt her. He's going out on a limb and praying that she doesn't let him fall.

He walks away from her, turning away so she can't see him as he lets his tears fall. "You told me that you loved me and the whole time you were shacking up with St. Asshole! You wanted me that night, you wanted _us_ and not just in that moment, you wanted us forever just like I did. I needed you, Rachel, and you left me like I was a piece of trash. Things were bad between us back then and we could have worked it out, but you fucking disappeared for two years! And then, when I finally did see you again at a high school party, which I know you didn't want to go to, you were a completely different person. I tried to get past that because I missed you so fucking bad and then that fucker calls you after. . .after we made love and the moment you heard his voice you were up and beckoning to his call."

She swallows thickly because yes, she knew she hurt him that night and she knows the way she broke off their relationship was hard on him, but she always assumed he'd moved on. She'd heard about his numerous sexcapades, Beth was living proof of that. She'd always assumed he'd just become Puck instead of Noah and that he dealt with it just like everyone else who left her.

"I mean, you just left. Y-you left like it didn't matter, like _I_ didn't matter. You choose _him_ over _me. _I mean, I know I'm not your knight in shining armor, but fuck Rach! Did I mean that little to you? You know I used to feel like I didn't deserve you?" he asks and she shakes her head slowly knowing he didn't see her answer.

"When we were younger and head over heels for each other, I used to think I wasn't good enough for you," he says as his pacing slows to a stop and he runs his hands over his face for the hundredth time before dropping them against his legs. "You were always so confident and you knew what you wanted, even at seven years old, you knew what you wanted to be. And me? I had no idea what I wanted, I still don't know," he pauses as he shakes his head, leaving it bowed as if he's surrendering everything he has.

"I used to have these nightmares that you would leave me for some guy who had the same dreams as you and that night you made them all come true. I broke, Rachel, I broke like a fucking pussy and hid my pain from everyone. I shut out my family and my friends, I stopped caring about school and life in general. Nothing mattered anymore because you choose him and _I_ wasn't good enough for _you._ Everything just got so out of hand after that."

She can see his shoulders shaking and she knows he's crying even though he's turned away from her. Tears glide down her face and she realizes for the first time just how badly she'd hurt him. She didn't think it was possible that someone cared about her that much, her fathers surely didn't, Jesse could care less about her and treated her awfully, even her own mother kicked her out.

"I almost lost my scholarship, I couldn't keep my head in the game and Coach almost kicked me off the team. That was all I had at the moment and I couldn't stand to loose anything else. It was just getting better, my grades were up, I was back in the game, and most importantly I didn't wake up every morning and think about you," he said, turning to face her.

His eyes were red and tears glistened against his cheeks and it only made the ache in her chest worse, taking it from painful to unbearable. She wrapped her arms around herself, refusing to meet his scrutinizing glare.

"And then Ma calls and fuck, when she mentioned your name I almost lost everything again. It was like I was spiraling back down after I worked so hard to get my shit together. At first I wasn't going to come, I didn't want to see you again," he says as he lowers himself down in the chair next to her once again and his words crush her already broken heart.

"But then she told me that you were ra. . ." he shakes his head and clenches his fists and she can see the anger flooding his face again. "She told me that someone hurt you, that someone touched you and I lost it," he whispers. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, physically calming himself.

"I got here as fast as I could and she was holding this tiny beautiful baby girl and I was furious. I didn't know she was mine and it fucking hurt because she looked so much like you. I almost walked out, I couldn't deal with the fact that you had another man's baby, just thinking about you and St. James makes me sick. And then I saw little Noah and I...I just felt so...complete, like nothing else mattered but keeping them safe. I never thought I could love something so much, but when I think about losing them I loose my fucking mind."

He leans forward towards her and without thinking reaches for her hand. Her eyes go wide and he retracts his arm before they touch and shakes his head. "I need to know why, Rach. It's been eating me alive for the past eighteen hours and I can't come up with a logical explanation. I've been beating myself up over this and I don't know why? I just…I need to know."

She takes a shaky breath when she realizes he's done talking and wants the explanation he deserves. She knows he needs the truth, but she's so ashamed of the things she's done that she doesn't even know if she _can_ tell him.

"I don't even know where to begin," she says quietly.

"What happened when we were younger, why did you break up with me? Why did you pull away from me? Why did you tell me you didn't love me when I know that you did?" he says tightly.

"It happened the night of my Bat Mitzvah, after everyone left," she says and he inhales sharply, his mind immediately drifting to the amazing and intimate night they'd shared before. _That _had truly been the best day of his life, regardless of how things turned out between him and Rachel _that_ had been the best moment he'd ever experienced. "Everything had been so special about that whole day, spending the night with you, seeing my dad after so long, dressing up and feeling beautiful and grown up, completing the right of passage. I just felt so loved by everyone and your mother was so good to me, everyone was. It was the last time I've ever felt like that."

"Like what?" he asks.

"Loved," she answers simply. "That night everything changed, my daddy, Leroy, he-he . . ." she trails off as a sob catches in her throat, pain ripping across her chest.

"Rach," he murmurs, reaching forward to grab her hand in attempt to calm her down. She pulls away at first, but she sees something in his hazel eyes and she knows she can trust him. He reaches again and successfully wraps his larger hand around her smaller one. He knows it's a totally fucked up situation, but he can't help the small smile that spreads when he looks at how much smaller she is than him and how their size difference never mattered when it came to their relationship.

"It'll be okay, you can tell me anything," he runs his thumb over the back of her hand.

She shivers as his touch sends tingles down her spine and it feels like she's ten years old all over again, holding hands with her boyfriend when her daddies weren't looking. She misses that feeling.

"He wouldn't leave my room when I was getting undressed, he was drunk from the party and he was upset because dad left again for work. I knew something was different with him, he had this look in his eye like…like a predator or something. He kept trying to get me to take off my dress, but I wasn't comfortable with him seeing me naked anymore, especially not after our night together. I just felt so grown up and he was treating me like a child and I hated it. I got mad at him and demanded that he leave. He said he would, but only after he gave me a gift," she says slowly and he knows the next part of the story isn't good.

"What was it?" he asks, as he turns her hand over in his, his fingers tickling her palms.

She inhales sharply as a burst of electricity courses through her veins awakening each and every one of her nerves endings. She exhales slowly, the pain in her ribs dissipating as she concentrates on his touch.

"A necklace with a diamond encrusted Star of David pendant. It was beautiful and elegant, the perfect gift. I was so taken aback by his gift that I didn't realize he'd unzipped my dress. I tried to move away from him, but he . . . he became angry and violent. He pushed me down on my bed and crawled on top of me and I . . .I couldn't get him off," she pulls her hand away from his and buries her face in them as she cries. Telling him about Leroy is worse than reliving it and she had many times before in her dreams.

"Rach," he whispers as he pulls her hands away, revealing her red tear-stained face. She sniffles loudly and wipes her eyes, ignoring her protesting ribs and looks into his watery hazel eyes. "Rachel, I know this must be hard for you. I can't imagine what you've been through and I want you to know that I think you're incredibly strong for not giving up even when I know you wanted to," he says, as he turns her arm over, running his fingers over her bandaged wrist.

"Y-you do?" she cries.

"Of course I do. You're so incredibly strong for raising two babies at such a young age and you've don't such a good job with them. They're beautiful and so fucking smart and I know that's only because they have such an amazing woman for a mother," he says and the sincere look on his face almost has her convinced.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she whispers. "I've been nothing but horrible to you. I've dumped you, walked out on you, and hid your children from you for nearly two years. Why aren't you screaming at me? I don't deserve this, dammit Noah, why aren't you mad!?" she yells, immediately wrapping her arms around her aching chest.

He takes a deep breath and no matter how much he hates the answer, he needs to be truthful. He'd never lied to her before and he wasn't going to start now. "Because you were raped, Rachel. . .and that. . . that changes everything," he says softly, grabbing her hand again.

"You were held down on your own bed by your father and forced to have sex with him. You were young and scared and you didn't have anybody to protect you. If I'm mad at anyone, it's myself. I should have been there, I should have noticed how drunk Leroy was getting at the party instead of daydreaming about the night before. I should have been there for you and I wasn't and I'm so, so sorry," he cries as brushes his calloused index finger up and down each of her fingers before tangling their hands together in a firm grip.

"Noah, you couldn't have known, there's no way you could have stopped him. I…I deserved what he did to me, he said so himself. It's what filthy whores like me deserve," she whispers the last part so lowly he barely hears it and just the sound of those horrid words coming from her lips makes his skin prickle.

"How can you possibly say those things about yourself, Rachel?" he asks, his voice low and thick as if he's physically repulsed.

"He heard us the night before, he must've come home early from the bar. I was mortified that he'd eavesdropped on us and h-he..he used it against me. He called me a whore and told me I was good for nothing but sex and that was the only way any guy would see me. I tried not to listen, I didn't want to believe him, but it was the only reason I had to justify what he did to me. I know my daddy loved me, he wouldn't have done that if I didn't deserve it," Rachel says, her head bowed and her eyes lowered in shame.

"No, Rach, your father did that to you because he is a sick twisted bastard who gets off on taking advantage of little girls," Noah spits.

"That's not true because he's gay, Noah, gay as in married to a man. Little girls and women in general for that matter don't interest him, he didn't do it to 'get off', he did it because I deserved it," she whispers.

He can feel the anger rising in his veins and he stands suddenly, almost knocking his chair over in the process.

"Fuck!" he whisper-yells as he rakes his nails over his head in anger. He doesn't know what to say because anything he tells her will be a waste of breath. Rachel Berry is the most stubborn person in the world and when she has her mind set, there's no changing it. "I can't do this, Rach. I can't sit here and listen to you say those things about yourself, I just can't. I want to help you, I want us to be a family, but I can't handle this."

"Okay," Rachel says, nodding softly.

"Okay?" he repeats in confusion, he knows her and the Rachel Berry he knew never thought things were just 'okay'.

She takes a breath and looks away from him. "I'm not the same person I was when we were twelve, Noah. That girl, she…she died a long time ago. That Rachel Berry was innocent and naïve, she didn't think anyone would ever hurt her, especially not someone she loved as much as her daddy. She had dreams and a future, she was going somewhere, her future was so bright. That Rachel is gone, Noah. She got a cold hard dose of real life the moment her father forced himself into her body and it killed her, ripping her apart from the inside out. There's nothing left of that girl, Noah. Nothing."

He shakes his head and closes his eyes not even bothering to wipe away his fallen tears. "If that's what you believe then fine, but I know differently. I know the real Rachel Berry inside and out and I know that she's still alive. You can hide behind whatever fear you have haunting you, but I know the truth and I will not give up until you can see it too. You're going to get better, Rachel, physically, mentally, and emotionally, you will get better and I'm going to help you and fight for you with every bone in my body. You've already walked out on me twice and both times I sat back and let you, but this time I'm fighting back. You can't just walk in and out of my life when things get bad, you can't run away from your problems and your fears. It's going to be hard, but I'm up for the challenge. We're going to get you better because I'll be damned if I let you leave me again and I would die before I let someone take my children away from me, even if that someone is you. I know I'm not the smartest and I don't always say the right thing, but we're going to get through this, you just have to trust me."

"I do. I trust you, Noah," she says between sobs. Never had she had someone fight for her before and knowing that he's willing to give his all to help her gives her a another reason to fight for herself. Before, the only reason she had to live was her children, but now she's has Noah and if he's willing to fight for her after everything she's put him through then she has to try.

"You know I would never, ever hurt you Rachel. Never. And no matter how fucked up things have gotten, I never stopped loving you," he admits softly as he sits back down in his chair.

"Neither have I."

"You just have to stick with me, there's so much I don't know and half of it I'm sure I don't want to know, but I will do anything for you, Rachel. I will fight for our family," he says unquestionably.

"Thank you, Noah. I believe you and I trust you with everything I have. I promise I'll tell you anything you want to know. I want to get better, I really do. I'm so tired of being afraid," she cries.

He stands from his chair and slowly wraps his arms around her, hugging her as gently as he can. She's stiff at first, her body automatically withdrawing from him, but eventually she calms and sinks into his warm body. He places a soft kiss on top of her head and rubs her arms gently.

"You have nothing to be afraid of anymore. I love you, Rachel. I know we have a long journey ahead of us and I know things will get ugly before they get pretty, but I want you to know that I love you and that will never ever change," he whispers.

"I love you too, so much, but the only thing I'm afraid of is loosing you," she whispers.

"That's impossible, you and those kids mean the world to me. Everyone has baggage, we've all made mistakes, we're not perfect. I've already lost two people who mean the world to me. I can't get Beth back, but I can get you and I won't stop until we're one big happy family-ugly Christmas sweaters and all," he says, laughing softly to lighten the mood. Another thing she loves about him, his ability to see the best in the absolute worst situations.

She chuckles softly, keeping the movement in her chest area limited. "We're Jewish, Noah."

"Yea, but I've always wanted to decorate a Christmas tree and that's beside the point, what's important is that you're here, the kids are here, and I'm here and nobody is leaving anymore," he says as he rests his cheek on top of her head.

"Thank you," she whispers as she forces her tired body to relax against him. "You don't know how much this means to me."

* * *

**Author's note: Didn't have this chapter reviewed by my beta, I was in a hurry to get it done so please forgive any errors.**

**Also I couldn't think of a title for this chapter so if anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.**

**ImInLoveWithNoahPuckerman: I'm trying to finish, trust me. I feel like I'm writing a bunch of filler chapters and the plot isn't going anywhere, but I promise it'll move along.**

**neppo618: Thank you so much!**

**rjewels18: Yay! Hope it was worth the wait.**

**JAMES-EAI: I'm sorry for the cliffy, hopefully this will make up for it. Happier ending this time...I think.**

**midnightblupuppy: Sorry for the wait!**

**SassyBR: Thank you!**

**iamastar: Thank you, you have no idea how much that means to me!**

**m-white624: I'm glad you like it.**

**guest: Glad you enjoyed it and for the record, any type of Noah is hot.**

**guest: Thank you! There will be tons of Puckleberry family coming up but keep in mind these are fictional characters, yes Rachel's been through a lot, but she's a trooper. She can handle anything I decide to throw at her.**

**li: Thank you! Puck just seems to have a protective nature about him, even on the show. I have no doubt that if he were real, he'd fight to the death for his family.**

**azchick81: Thank you, but unfortunately you'll have to wait a while for Rachel to come clean about Jesse. She's dealing with a lot so I'm not gonna push it.**

**winterfresh: I'm interested in finding out how she'll explain it as well because as of now I have no idea! Glad you liked the story, I hope you'll stick around for her explanation...whenever I come up with one that is.**

**Veggie95: Hope you enjoyed it!**

**BellaRose55: Oh Jesse, he'll definitely be back in some way, shape, or form.**

**not-so-innocent011: From here on out Rachel and Noah will be dealing with their issues or rather, her issues. Lots of talking will be going on, trust me.**

**Thanks again for all the reviews, they're so encouraging and motivating. Please keep them coming.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Do not own Glee!**

**Warning: Adult content, sensitive material. Mature audience only.**

* * *

She's forced from a semi-peaceful sleep by chills sweeping through her body. She's not completely conscious, her body is still fast asleep and healing while her mind awakens and immediately begins racing. Yesterday had been an extremely eventful day, a little too eventful for her to handle. When Shelby had first stepped foot into the apartment, she'd been absolutely terrified that her mother would find out about Jesse and the true paternity of her children. She'd wanted nothing more than to make a clean escape, cutting off all ties with her ex-boyfriend, and leaving behind every memory that's ever haunted her, but of course it would never be that easy. Nothing in her life is easy.

She's extremely thankful for Noah, without him she'd have nothing and her children would be out on the streets. She doesn't even want to think of where she would have ended up if he had rejected her and the twins. She knows she has nothing to fear when he's around and knowing that he still cares for her, that he still _loves_ her is more than she could ever ask for, more than she deserves.

She shivers against the scratchy sheets of her hospital bed, her fingers curling around Noah's, who spent the entire night with her until he'd fallen asleep in the chair next to her bed, his fingers interlocked with hers. It had taken her a while to fall asleep in the bed, she hasn't slept in one since she was twelve years old, but Noah had promised at least a million times that he would protect her from every demon that ever haunted her, even the ones in her dreams. That and the fairly large amount of medication the doctors given her eventually forced her eyes closed.

His hands are warm and his fingers are calloused just as she remembers them and she wonders what he looks like when he's sleeping, if he still looks the same as when he was sixteen, carefree and innocent. She wants to open her eyes to see him, but she's so exhausted she doesn't think she has the physical strength to move her eyelids.

She feels a slight tingle below her chest, almost as if someone is ghosting his or her fingers over her ribcage. A slight tremble runs through her body and immediately all of her nerve endings awaken, ready to spring into action if need be, but her mind keeps her frozen in the bed, fear coursing its way through her veins.

Her hand unconsciously grips Noah's, his smooth skin and calloused fingers relaxing her. She takes deep breaths and focuses on keeping her breathing even. She's just about to fall back asleep when then wooly blue blanket she'd been covered with is pulled down to her waist.

She instantly thinks of her daddy and how he would sneak into her room while she slept. She thinks of the way he would stroke her hair and face before he pulled back her star covered comforter and laid on top of her, slipping inside her while she forced herself to hold back the tears and pretend to sleep on the filthy mattress. She remembers how bad things used to get when he would find out she was pretending, how angry he would be and how much more pain he caused her.

She knows he's not here and it's just the combination of fear, her over-active imagination, and dramatics that's causing the scenario. She squeezes Noah's hand so hard she knows without opening her eyes that they're turning blue. She knows she's being ridiculous, no one can hurt her in the hospital, not when Noah is sitting right next to her. She feels a prick on her arm and hands on her ribs, pushing her hospital gown aside and before she can stop herself she's reacting.

Immediately she sits up, an ear piercing scream tearing from her throat as she curls herself into a ball. She'd been wrong, someone was trying to hurt her and she knows it's Jesse, he's found her and he's come to punish her for running away. She's panicking, her breathing becomes erratic and her blood races through her veins. She holds her hands out in defense and begs to be left alone.

At the sound of Rachel's scream, Noah sits up, eyes wide and alert. Rachel's curled against the headboard and she's shaking so hard, the bed rails are rattling. Her eyes are wild and frantic and her hair is a mess of frazzled curls. Standing next to Rachel on the bed is a nurse with a needle in her hand and doctor with his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish, a surprised look on both of their faces.

"The fuck did you do to her?" he asks as he stands protectively over a sobbing Rachel.

"I w-was sent in t-to do blood work and check her chart," the nurse stutters as she subconsciously steps away from the hospital bed. "Dr. Rogers is changing her bandages and checking the stiches, we didn't want to disturb you."

"Fuck," he breathes as he runs his hand over his face, the little amount of sleep he got hits him like a ton of bricks.

Slowly he reaches out and grabs Rachel's shaking hands, closing his fists around them and kissing her knuckles gently. He watches as she flinches violently and pulls away.

"Rachel, it's me, it's Noah. You're okay, Rach, it's only me," he whispers against her hands.

"No, please don't hurt me," she cries as she struggles against him, eyes clenched tightly in fear.

"Nobody's going to hurt you, I promise," he coos as he holds both of her hands in one of his using his free hand to wipe away her tears. "Open your eyes, babe."

"Please just leave me alone," she whimpers and he feels something inside him shatter. The tone of her voice is so desolate and broken that he literally _feels_ the desperation in her plea.

He needs to do something and fast before he looses the woman he loves again. He acts completely on instinct, relying on the invisible tether that holds them together for guidance.

"You know I can't do that, Rach. Not when you have two beautiful babies that need you, not when you have an entire city waiting for your name to light up the streets, and especially not when I'm so completely in love with you," he says as he cups her trembling chin in his hands. "I can't leave you alone, Rach. I need you to open your eyes and look at me, you're safe with me. I promise."

She hears his promise and feels his warm skin on hers. She knows he's here and she trusts him, she always has. Her eyes flutter open slowly and she's met with worried hazel eyes and instantly her fears begin to fade away and her body is able to relax.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs as he runs his thumb over her bottom lip.

"It's okay, you have nothing to be sorry for," he whispers. "Why don't you lay back down, sitting up isn't good for your ribs?"

He holds one of her hands tightly while the other one wraps around her middle and eases her back into the bed. As soon as he grabs her though, she jumps slightly and he fears her reaction means she's afraid of him. The last thing he wants is for the woman he loves afraid of him. He hums a random soothing melody until she relaxes and he can get her into bed. Once she's lying down he runs his hand through her hair, pushing it out of her face, giving her a small smile as she eases into his touch.

"Where are the babies?" she asks as he pulls the blanket over her body.

"At home with Ma and Bekah, they both took the day off since no one got any sleep last night," he says, immediately regretting it when he sees the guilt spreading across her face. "You know it's not your fault, Rach, none of it is."

She nods softly and turns toward Dr. Rogers and the embarrassed nurse. "I'm sorry about the way I reacted, hospitals have always made me uncomfortable. When will I be released, I'd like to go home as soon as possible?"

Dr. Rogers clears his throat before taking a step forward from his place in the corner, noticing the slight way she shrinks back as he does. "You'll need to stay tonight for another 24-hour observation to make sure none of the stiches become infected and the burns on your legs will need another treatment as well. After that you're released from intensive care unit until the stiches need to come out, however, there's a chance you may or may not need physical therapy for your rib injury."

"I'm able to leave tomorrow?" she asks.

"Not exactly," Dr. Rogers says carefully. "Certain injuries of yours are self-inflicted and it's my duty to report them to the psychiatry department."

"What are you implying?" Rachel asks, her tone eerily calm.

"You have injuries displaying signs of abuse and suicide. To make sure you're not a risk to yourself or others, a closed 72 hour observation with one of our psychiatric doctors is necessary," the doctor explains.

"I can assure you that I am neither crazy nor am I dangerous. I've seen therapists in the past, Dr. Rogers, and nothing has ever helped my issues. I have two children to take care of, I can't stay here for another four days," Rachel defends.

"I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice, Ms. Berry. It's court ordered, there's nothing neither I nor anyone else can do about it. The psychiatrist will be in later on today to explain how the evaluation will work," Dr. Rogers says.

"Please, Dr. Rogers, my mother is a nurse and Rachel is going to be staying with us, can't she just look after her at home?" Noah asks, his grip on Rachel's hand tightening.

"I'm afraid a nurse isn't qualified to provide Ms. Berry with the type of treatment she needs in this situation, Mr. Puckerman," Dr. Rogers says. "I know this is difficult for you and your family, Ms. Berry, but it is in your best interest for your health.

"This is absurd, I do not need to see a psychiatrist. Are you positive there's nothing you can do?" Rachel asks, her voice desperate and pleading.

"I am sorry, Ms. Berry, but I had to report it. After seeing your injuries I couldn't walk away and not get you the help you need, it just wouldn't be right."

"Noah, please, don't let them keep my here for three days all alone. I need my babies and they need me, we've never been apart until yesterday. They don't understand, Noah, this can't happen," Rachel begs, tears making their way down her tired face.

"I know, Rach, this isn't what I want either. Maybe Ma can do something about it, but I highly doubt it. I know it sounds bad, babe, but maybe it's a good thing. I know you don't want to talk about your past and we still have so much to talk about together. Maybe if you talk to someone else it'll make it easier for you to tell me and Ma?" Noah says, running his thumb over her knuckles.

Her eyebrows furrow at his words and she pulls her hand away from his, resting it in her lap. "So you think I'm crazy as well?" she asks with an icy tone he's never heard from her before. "I suppose that's reasonable after everything I've done to you, just another 'Crazy Berry' stunts to get attention. I should have known better than to assume that you'd take my side, I don't deserve it, especially after I hid your children from you. No sane person would keep their children from their father."

He shakes his head and handles his words carefully, he knows she's upset and he can't blame for feeling that way, but therapy is what she needs-what they need-and he'll be damned if he lets anything get in the way of him and his family.

"Rachel, you know that's not the reason. I'm on your side one hundred percent, babe, and because I'm on your side I'm saying that you need treatment. Three days isn't that long and if that's how long I have to wait to have you home, happy, and healthy, then I'll wait. I'll take care of the kids and school and everything and when you come home we can work everything out. I want us to work, babe, but if you're sick-_not crazy_-but sick, then it will never work. I love you and I know you want our family just as much as I do, so I need you to be strong and fight for it," he explains reaching for her hand again.

"I want our family too, Noah, but I'm not sick. Not anymore, there's things you don't know, things I need to explain and I don't need a psychiatrist to help me or diagnose me. I'm okay, really Noah, I am. I know why the things that happened occurred, I deserved them and there's nothing that anyone can say or do that will change that fact," she cries "Therapy and psychiatry is not the answer."

He hears the doctor clear his throat, but he ignores him. He knows how completely fucked up Rachel's mind is and it only proves how badly she needs therapy, possibly even medication. He knows if anyone can convince her, that it's his mother.

"Babe, you know I would never lie to you and I only want what's best for my family. I can't give you what you need and I'll do whatever it takes to get you better, I don't care if you like it or not, you're getting the treatment and that's final," he says, his tone authoritative and almost fatherly like, but calm enough to keep from scaring her.

She turns away from him, fresh tears in her eyes. "I disagree," she says dejectedly.

He runs his hands over his face in frustration and cracks each of his bruised knuckles, the last thing he wanted to do was upset her, hell, if anyone had the right to be upset it was him! He knows lashing out on her is the wrong thing to do and he's so angry, he has to leave before he does something he regrets. He considers that none of this is her fault and this entire mess is Leroy Berry's doing, if only that bastard hadn't been such a pathetic excuse for a human being, he would have never lost his girl and this never would have happened. But what's done is done and he knows he must move forward so he places a kiss on the back on her head and tells her that he's sorry before he makes his way to the door.

"I don't think she's in the right mindset for a check-up, do you think you could have my mother do it when she comes in for her shift? Rachel will be more comfortable with her," he says as the nurse nods.

He turns toward Rachel, who is still avoiding eye contact and a part of him wants to smile because she's still that same stubborn little girl he chased around the back yard. "I love you so much, please remember that. I'll be back later with the twins and Bekah," he says before he leaves the room.

Rachel watches his retreating form and tries unsuccessfully to keep the burning tears from falling. She knows how badly she reacted and a part of her knows how disgusting her thoughts are. She knows the cutting is bad, she's always hated that she felt the constant need to harm herself to feel pure, but she was able to stop once and she knows she can do it again, especially with Noah by her side.

"We'll send in Nurse Puckerman to do the blood work and charts when she arrives. In the mean time, try to rest and keep still, your ribs need stability in order to heal properly," Dr. Rogers says before he and the nurse leave her room.

Once she's alone in her room, her mind begins to wander. How did her life always manage to go from bad to worse? Couldn't she just have good news for once in her life? Seeing a therapist is something she never wanted to do again because therapy meant talking and talking meant reliving a past she wanted nothing more than to forget about.

The last time she'd told anyone about her past had been during the trial for Leroy's arrest. She barely remembers because she'd mentally detached herself as much as possible, her body and mind void of any emotion at all. That had been a truly awful experience for Rachel because for once, she couldn't pretend like everything was okay. She wasn't able to hide behind a façade and her razor blade. Every ounce of vulnerability she'd had was laid out for everyone to see and if Rachel Berry hated one thing, it was being vulnerable. It made you a weak, easy target that people take advantage of just like Jesse had done to her. She knows she's going to have to tell Noah about Jesse and that's what she's dreading the most. She doesn't know how she can explain the fact that she pawned his children off on some poor teenage boy who she didn't love and subjected them to his violent and angry ways. She doesn't know how to explain to Noah that their children watched as their mother was violated by the man they thought was their father without sounding like she's the reason for it. There's so many things he doesn't know, so many things she doesn't want to talk about in therapy because they make her feel dirty-like she's the biggest piece of scum on the earth and the only logical explanation she can fathom is that she must truly be the biggest piece of shit alive.

She sighs as she forces her eyes closed, she's beyond exhausted, but with her mind racing a mile a minute, she knows sleep is impossible. She thinks back to the trial and every feeling of disgust, disappointment, and guilt she felt then begins to resurface and the urge to slice into a piece of her skin is stronger than ever. This is why she doesn't want therapy, the past is meant to stay in the past. If only life were ever that simple.

"_Now, Rachel, all you have to do is tell the court exactly what happened," Shelby says encouragingly as Rachel stares at the ground. "I know you're scared, baby girl, but I promise after this it'll all be over."_

"_Promise?" Rachel whispers, tears stinging behind her eyelids._

"_Oh, Rachel," Shelby murmurs as she pulls her daughter into a hug. "I am so sorry you have to go through this, are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?"_

_Rachel shakes her head. "I-I've never…I don't know how to tell anyone about what happened. I can't tell you, you'll hate me and you won't want me anymore. I don't think I can do this. What if he's in there? What if we loose and I have to go back with him…I can't go back there, please don't make me do this," Rachel cries._

_Shelby runs her hands through her daughter's hair, scraping her nails lightly against her scalp in effort to calm her shaking daughter. "Honey, you know I would never force you to do something you don't want to, but this is the only way to make sure he never hurts you again. You have to believe that, baby girl. Once this is over we can put everything behind us and focus on you and your future. Nobody will ever have to know what happened, we can make up a story if you want and we'll never tell anyone. We're doing this to keep you safe baby girl, we're putting him behind bars where he belongs and you and I are going to move on with our lives. All I want is for you to be happy and that won't happen until you feel safe and that bastard-excuse my language-is in jail."_

_Rachel relaxes against her mother and nods in understanding. She knows it's the right thing to do, she deserves some type of justice for what her father did to her, even if it was her fault._

"_Rachel, we're going to begin soon," her lawyer says quietly._

_Shelby takes a deep breath and squeezes her daughter tightly. "Just answer their questions the best you can, okay? I'll be waiting right here for you."_

"_Okay, I'll do my best," Rachel says as Shelby wipes at her tears. _

"_I know you will, baby girl," Shelby whispers as Rachel pulls away and heads towards the large ominous doors that have the ability to change everything. She takes a deep breath and rubs her sweating palms on her dress. This is it, this is the only chance she has to be freed of her fathers for good, if she messes this up she'll have no one to blame but herself. "Rachel!" Shelby calls out just as she's about to open the door._

_She spins around and faces her mother, the tear tracks on her face adding more pressure to Rachel's already wounded heart. "Yes?" she asks quietly._

"_I love you," she says quickly, but firmly. "I love you so much and regardless of what happens in that room, you'll always be my baby girl, understand?" _

_Rachel nods, a miniscule smile forming on her face. "I love you, too."_

_With that the doors of the courtroom opened and almost instantly her body and mind go completely numb. She's escorted to a seat beside her lawyer and another woman and told to stand until the judge and bailiff tell them to seat. She hears her name along with her father's, but she's not listening. Her body is tingling with numbness and her blood is pumping so loudly she feels as if her eardrums will explode, she cannot focus on what's going on around her. _

_Minutes or hours-she's not entirely sure-fly by without her moving a single motion. Her lawyer has stood up and yelled multiple times along with a man opposite her and she has no idea what they're even talking about. She scans the courtroom to the best of her ability while keeping her head straight, the last thing she wants to see are either of her fathers. Out of her peripheral she sees the jury. Most of them look annoyed as if they couldn't be bothered and those who weren't were giving her looks of pity. She forced her eyes downwards, she didn't want their pity. She didn't want anything from them, not even justice. The only reason she'd agreed to this was to please Shelby. Honestly, she didn't believe she deserved justice. She deserved everything her Leroy had done to her, if anyone's guilty it's her._

_She's completely consumed by the amount of guilt that has suddenly taken over that she doesn't hear her name being called nor does she feel the hand on her arm until she's forced to stand._

"_Rachel, are you feeling alright?" her lawyer asks as Rachel snatches her arm away, a habit she fears she'll never break. _

_She shakes her head, forcing the guilt away as she takes her seat in front of the court and allows her lawyer to lead her to the stand._

"_I'm going to ask you a few questions and then Mr. Youngwood, Leroy's lawyer is going to ask you some as well. Just answer them to the best of your ability and no matter what, tell the truth," she says. "There's nothing to be afraid of, they already have the recording you made with the testimony, they know what happened. Don't let this break you, I need you to stay strong and not crack, can you do that for me?" _

"_I will try," Rachel whispers, not one ounce of confidence in her voice._

_From there things spiral downhill quickly. Her lawyer asks her to name the various body parts her father's touched and when the abuse first started. She asks about Hiram and Rachel honestly has no idea what she should say about him. Hiram had never abused her, he'd been nothing but a loving father who spoiled her up until his work pulled him away. She tells the jury about Hiram, keeping her eyes fixed on her lap, her hands twisting the hem of her skirt nervously._

_Her lawyer finishes all of her questions and gives Rachel a small smile before Mr. Youngwood, approaches the podium. He's a tall and burly man in his late forties, just like her daddy and when he places his hands on the rail of the podium in front of her, she instantly jumps back nearly falling out of the oversized chair in the process. The judge next to her raises an eyebrow, but motions for Mr. Youngwood to continue._

_He can tell Rachel is afraid of him and he knows without a doubt that his client, Leroy, is guilty on all charges. He feels awful for defending this scumbag, but it's his job and if he wins this case he has a chance at making partner. He knows this case is impossible to win, there's too much evidence against Leroy Berry, the man's DNA was found in the girl's vaginal canal for Christ's sake, but he's going to try his hardest to get off with the least amount of charges as possible. Leroy's already guilty of sex with a minor and incest since Rachel is legally-not biologically-his child, but he can weasel his way out of the rape charges and save Leroy a few years behind bars even if the bastard deserves to rot. All he has to do is get into Rachel's head and get her to agree that is was consensual and he's home free. He prey's on Rachel's vulnerability and raises himself to his full height, watching her eyes widened and fall into her lap. She's absolutely terrified of him and he plans on using this to his advantage._

"_How old are you, Rachel? Is it okay to call you by your first name?" he asks, his voice loud, intimidating, and assertive._

_She winces as he addresses her, she knows he's trying to scare her, but what he doesn't know is that he doesn't even have to try, just standing in her presence is enough to make her want to shrink into a ball and disappear._

"_Y-yes," she murmurs only loud enough for him to hear. "I'm fourteen, I'll be fifteen in December."_

"_You're awfully young to be making these types of accusations, do you even know what sex is, Rachel?" he asks, pacing the distance of the podium._

"_Of course, I've taken health and sex education classes in school," she responds quietly._

"_Would you care to give me a definition?" he asks as he leans over the railing, his face only inches from hers._

"_I'd rather not," she gulps and shrinks back as far as possible._

"_Then how can we be sure you were abused in the sexual nature, we can't simply go based off of your word, especially if we can't be sure you know what sexual intercourse is to begin with," he says, as she focuses on her hands in her lap._

"_I told you that I know what sexual intercourse is, I'd rather not discuss it with you or anyone as it is an inappropriate subject. You have medical records and physical proof of the abuse. Like you said, Mr. Youngwood, you can't rely only on my word," she states quietly, reciting the words her lawyer had burned into her memory._

"_Have you experience with sexual intercourse before?" he asks catching everyone off guard._

"_Objection!" her lawyer yells, rising from her seat._

_Mr. Youngwood holds up his hand, his lip twisted in a slight snarl. "I'll refrain the question," he says and the judge nods, signaling her approval._

_He walks around the courtroom for a few seconds before slamming his hands down on the wooden railing in front of her. She's so shocked by the noise and his close proximity that her head snaps up and her eyes lock with the one person she never wanted to see again._

"_Have you ever had consensual sexual relations with a member of the opposite sex, Rachel?" he asks._

_She's so consumed with the haunting brown eyes of her daddy that she barely hears his question. It's like all time has ceased and everyone around her has completely disappear leaving only her and Leroy. She wants to run, flee, escape, anything that will get her away from this man. Her heart beats wildly in her chest, her breathing increasing to the point of hyperventilation, her entire body is suddenly covered in a thin sheet of sweat, and she has a dire need to use the restroom._

_She's about to make a run for it, but he's blocking her only entrance. She hears her name being called off into the distance, but she pushes it aside and chalks it up to her imagination, there's no one else in the room. There's no one to save her this time, not even Shelby._

_She hears her name again and again, but she says nothing, her body physically frozen in fear. Suddenly there's a pounding noise and she literally jumps to her feet, realizing she's been in a courtroom full of people the entire time._

"_Order!" the judge calls and Rachel watches as Mr. Youngwood and her lawyer argue. "That's enough, Mr. Youngwood! The trial is set to reschedule when Ms. Berry is competent. Court adjourned."_

_She watches as the jury begins packing their things and lawyers stuffing their briefcases. She can't let this trial drag on and risk seeing Leroy again, she's only agreed to one testimony, it's all she can handle without completely falling apart._

"_Yes!" she yells, stopping everyone in the room._

"_What was that, Ms. Berry?" the judge asks her._

"_Yes, I've have sexual intercourse before," she says as she tears her eyes away from Leroy's._

"_Ms. Berry, the trial has been rescheduled, you don't have to answer the question," the judge whispers as Mr. Youngwood's eyebrows shoot up to the sky in surprise. He hadn't been expecting her to answer at all, not knowing she had indeed been sexually active._

"_No, I want to continue, please? I'm fine, I would really like to continue," she says, desperation filling her voice. She slowly lowers herself into the chair, her back hasn't fully healed yet and she stills wears a boot on her left ankle._

_The judge stares at her for a few seconds, skepticism written all over her face before she takes a deep breath and turns toward the court. "Is anyone opposed to continuing?" she asks as the majority shakes their heads. "Alright then, proceed, Mr. Youngwood."_

"_So you're saying that you have had consensual sexual intercourse in the past, Rachel, is this correct?" he asks, a sly grin on his face. Maybe there is hope for his client after_

_all._

"_Yes, Mr. Youngwood," she says tightly. "I was sexually active with my boyfriend, the night before I made my Bat Mitzvah. As tradition holds, I was taking the step to become an adult in the eyes of God, a woman. So I made the adult decision to have sexual intercourse with my boyfriend." She leaves out the part where she slept with him again a few days later when she literally tried to fuck her father out of her mind. She feels guilty enough about that day._

_She honestly doesn't know where this confidence is coming from. It's all an act and judging by the look on the jury's faces, she's as good an actress as she thought. Inside she feel like she's been liquefied, her brain is mush and completely disconnected from her mouth. She has no idea what she's saying or what's going on, she's dug herself a ditch deeper than hell and no one's there to pull her out._

"_Correct me if I'm wrong, Ms. Berry, but from your video testimony you said your father, Leroy, supposedly raped you the day after your Bat Mitzvah," he says as he stroked his bearded chin in interest._

"_That's correct, that was the first time," she answers, her voice shaking. Her mask is slipping and she's not sure how much longer she can keep up this performance._

"_And how old were you, then?" he asks._

"_I was twelve going on thirteen," she responds and she hears the entire room gasp. "I know I was young, but I knew what I wanted. My boyfriend was older and we made the decision together."_

"_So it's only a coincidence that your father raped you the day after you lost your virginity? Judging by the timeline you've given us, you were sexually abused for nearly three years before telling anyone. Call me crazy, but it sounds like you didn't want anyone to know because the sexual relationship between you and your father was, in fact consensual," he states and Rachel blanches, her mouth opening and closing like a fish. "You seem a bit flushed, Rachel, there's no need to be embarrassed by the lust you had and may still have for your father. I'm sure your boyfriend will understand your need for your daddy, it's a basic human need although yours is just a bit more isn't it? Admit it, you're only pressing rape charges because you don't want to be caught cheating!"_

"_Objection!" her lawyer yells. _

"_Sustained, please answer the question, Ms. Berry," the judge says._

"_Yes, I waited three years before telling anyone because I had no one to tell. I have no friends, no other family members, and all of my teachers hate me. I'm a joke to everyone at school and the majority of them constantly bully me. There was no one to tell who would actually listen without throwing a frozen drink in my face and walking away. I found Shelby, my birth mother for the first time a few months ago and I didn't even have the courage to tell her. I wasn't embarrassed, Mr. Youngwood, I was terrified. The things my father did to me should never have been done to any living being, how could I possibly tell someone about them without fearing he would find out and take things to the next level? So to answer your question, no, I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want to be punished for trying to find help. And I broke up with my boyfriend shortly after realizing I was my father's sex slave because it was cheating and it wasn't fair to him," she cries._

_The jury sits in silence, tears streaming down their faces. She feels her own cheeks wet with her tears but she makes no move to wipe them away, instead she locks eyes with her daddy. His eyes are dark and menacing, holding promises she knows aren't good. She knows she'll never live to find out what they are because as soon as she leaves this courtroom, she's dead._

_She sits there void and empty of any emotion. She doesn't hear when the judge says no further questions or tells them to take a break. There's a razor blade stashed in the pocket of her coat just outside and all she can think about is the release she so desperately needs._

_She's the first one out of the room, practically sprinting past Leroy and Shelby, who's right outside with her arms open, waiting for her baby girl. She grabs her coat off the hook and runs into the nearest restroom, turning the lock behind her. She digs into the pocket and pulls out the blade, shredding the paper it had been wrapped in. She makes one deep cut, one deadly vertical cut on her wrist and watches the blood pour out onto the floor until she can't keep her eyes open any longer._

She wakes to the sounds of children laughing, more specifically _her_ children laughing. They're sitting at the foot of her bed in the space that isn't occupied by her legs, playing together while Deborah sits in the chair next to her reading through a newspaper. Her son holds a brand new bright red fire truck that he runs along the length of the bed. He's no longer wearing his little red bowtie or vest from yesterday, instead he's dressed in a plaid flannel with tiny baby jeans and red converse. His usually unruly curly hair has been spiked in the front into a fauxhawk, his curls smooth and slicked back and she knows that was the work of Noah Puckerman Senior, as is the Jack Daniel's T-shirt he wears under his flannel. She purses her lip, at least her daughter is dressed sensibly. She's wearing a black and pink striped shirt, black leggings, and silver sandals. A big pink bow headband holds back her brown ringlets and in her hands is a small stuffed pig.

She's missed her babies so much that she doesn't think twice before reaching down and scooping them into her arms, the pain in her chest pushed aside as she hugs her children.

"Momma!" they yell in unison as they wrap their arms around her. Her eyes fill with tears as she thinks about spending the next three days away from them.

"She strokes her daughter's hair and kisses her son's forehead. Are you guys having fun?" she coos as they settle against her side.

"Momma, meet Piggy!" Nova says as she shows off her new stuffed animal.

"Hi, Piggy," she giggles and her son waves. "I missed you both so much," she whispers as she hugs them close. "Did you behave for your Nana?" she asks, looking to Deborah.

"They were the best little children anyone could ask for and they missed you terribly," she says. "They spent the day with Noah, he took them shopping, he just adores them."

"Where is he now?" Rachel asks, biting her lip softly.

"He's with Rebekah at the Lima Bean, he figured you'd be hungry so he went to pick you up a snack and some coffee," Deborah says, folding the paper and putting it on the tray it came on.

Rachel feels new tears spring to her eyes. "That's awfully nice of him considering I was so cruel to him last night."

Deborah sighs, "he loves you, Rachel and with everything you two have been through, there's going to be some ups and downs. No couple is perfect, especially when there's children involved. You're both so young, you have plenty of time to work things out, but this is only the beginning."

Rachel nods and snuggles next to her babies as Noah and Rebekah enter the room, a paper bag in his hands.

"Dadda!" the twins yell in unison.

A huge smile spreads across his face, he'll never get used to them calling him that. "Hey No'," he coos as he sets the bag down on the hospital table. "How's my princess?" he asks as he tosses her in the air and catches her, setting her back on the bed. "Sup, P.J?" he asks as he does the same with his son, laughing as the little boy shrieks with laughter. Rachel's eyes widen at the nickname for her son, she supposes she could get used to it even if she thinks his given name has a much stronger meaning.

"How're you, Rach?" he asks, surprising her with a kiss on top of her head.

"I'm fine, thank you, Noah," she answers with a small smile.

"Good, I hope you're hungry. Bekah and I had to wait forever for this, but I know it's your favorite," he says handing her a fresh cup of coffee. "There are a few pastries in the bag, too."

"Thank you, you didn't have to do that," she says quietly.

"You know I'd do anything for you," he says grabbing her hand as Bekah makes a gagging sound behind his back and reaches for P.J's toy truck.

It amazes her that he can forgive her so easily, even after all the horrible things she's done. She has no clue how to thank him for being so amazing with her and the twins. Her stomach growls loudly and her focus shifts to the paper bag containing the mouthwatering pastries from the Lima Bean.

He chuckles as he hands her the bag and picks up the Nova, "It's time for me to get these two home and fed, I promised we'd go to the park after lunch."

"Ducks!" Nova squeals as she claps her chubby hands together.

"And feed the ducks," he says, tickling her belly. "He bends down and kisses Rachel's forehead right above the butterfly stitched cut. "I'll be back later to talk, okay?" he whispers and she nods, giving her children one last kiss. She won't see them for another three days and her heart breaks into a thousand pieces.

She holds back her tears as she watches Rebekah scoop up her son and follow Noah out of the room, his little hand waving over her shoulder.

"This is going to be the worst three days of my life," Rachel says, wiping at her eyes.

"Three days is a long time to go without your children, but if anyone can handle it, it's you. You're strong, Rachel, you can do this," Deborah says, grabbing the hand Noah had been holding seconds ago.

Rachel nods, "I've been thinking about the observation and I think it would be best if I saw a therapist after I'm released."

Deborah's eyes widen, "I think that's incredibly brave of you, Rachel. If that's what you think is best then I'm sure we can arrange something."

"I think it will help with the cutting. I stopped once before and I won't do it again, but the urge is still there and that scares me," she whispers.

"It's okay to be afraid, Rachel. You don't have to be strong all the time, it's okay to let your guard down every once and a while," Deborah says softly as she strokes Rachel's hand.

"I'm terrified," Rachel says, sobs catching in her throat. "I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of having a relationship with Noah, I'm scared of failing as a mother and that the twins will be confused when they grow up, I'm scared of disappointing you again, I'm scared of so many things, it's exhausting."

"Those are all completely normal fears, Rachel. You're only human, you have feelings and it's okay to be afraid of getting them broken. It's okay to be afraid of things you can't control, the future is unpredictable, who knows where we'll end up in ten years? The important thing is that you try your hardest and live each day to the fullest. You have a past, lots of people do, but that doesn't mean you have to let it get in the way of your future," Deborah says.

"Do you really think Noah and I have a future together as a family?" Rachel asks quietly.

"Is that what you want?" Deborah replies.

Rachel closes her eyes and pictures their future, "more than anything."

"Then I believe you can make it happen," Deborah smiles and gives her hand a squeeze. "It's almost time for my shift, would you like me to finish your blood test?"

Rachel groans at the thought of needles being shoved underneath her skin, she's never been good with shots which is kind of ironic considering she used to drag a razor blade across her skin until she bled and the pain overrode any emotion she felt.

"I'll take that as a yes," Deborah says as she preps a tray filled with needles.

"Is this really necessary?" Rachel whines as Deborah wraps the rubber band around her arm.

"I'm afraid so, we have to make sure you're healthy and that the antibiotics are working. It'll be over soon and then I'll check your bandages and you can relax," Deborah says as she pushes the needles into Rachel's pale thin arm.

* * *

He's having the time of his life with his kids. He'd cooked them a healthy, protein filled dinner and took them to the park where they ran around and played until they couldn't suppress their yawns any longer.

"Come on, princess. Let's get you and your brother home and tucked in," he says plucking his daughter out of the baby swing she was in.

"No," she whines as her head falls onto his shoulder, her green eyes slipping shut.

"Let's go, P.J.," he says, taking the little boy's hand.

He drives them home and tucks them into bed next to Rebekah who promises to keep an eye on them while she does her homework. He gives all three of them a kiss despite Rebekah's protests and jumps in his truck, heading towards the hospital, stopping to pick a bouquet of brightly colored lilies for Rachel.

He enters the hospital and takes the elevator up to her room, knocking softly on the doorframe. When he gets no answer he slips into the room, setting the flowers down on the windowsill. He notices she's asleep and for the first time she's not frowning. She's lying peacefully, a relaxed look on her face as she rests. He sits in the chair next to her and takes her hand, lightly placing a kiss on the back of her knuckles.

Her eyelids flutter open and reveal tired brown eyes as sparks shoot through her skin the minute his lips touch her skin. "Hi," she whispers tiredly.

"Hey," he whispers back, his thumb rubbing over the spot he'd just kissed.

She struggles to sit up and he stands, adjusting the pillows behind her back so she's comfortable. "Did you get those for me?" she asks gesturing towards the flowers and he nods. "They're beautiful, Noah, thank you," she smiles.

He smiles back because it's been an entire day without seeing her smile and he loves her smile so much.

"I got you something else, too," he says, pulling out a small cellphone.

She takes the phone from him and turns it on, smiling at the picture of her babies' smiling faces in the background. "Noah," she whispers, tears in her eyes.

"I took a shit load of pictures of them yesterday and even some today at the park. I know you're going to miss them over the next three days so I figured you'd at least want to look at them. I'm really sorry this has to happen, Rach," he says.

"No, Noah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so stubborn and difficult. I know you were only trying to help and I pushed you away because I was scared. I know it's the best thing for me and I promise you I'm going to get the help I need. I want our family too, Noah. I want it more than anything," Rachel says, gripping his hand for support.

He searches her brown eyes and behind them he can see all of the pain and fear she's hiding. He knows this is going to be difficult, but there's a small glint in her eyes, a sparkle amongst a pool of sadness, and he knows it's the newfound happiness and hope she holds for their future.

"You know I love you, Rach. I was never mad, just frustrated. I'm so happy you're going to get better, babe. The kids need you-_I_ need you," he whispers.

She swallows back tears, "I need you too, Noah."

Hearing her say those words is too much for him. He's spent the last fours years of his life missing her and he can't wait any longer. He lets his instincts take over, letting the invisible magnetic force between them pull their bodies closer and closer together until his lips are pressed tightly against hers, his eyes shut and his body tingling with love he thought he'd never feel again.

* * *

**Author's note: No excuses for why this took so long, I just really wasn't motivated enough to write. However, I've recently found out that this story has been stolen. Literally, like someone copied and pasted chapters 9 and 10 and posted it as their own. I was going to report, but the author took it down and claimed it was an accident. I would believe that if they hadn't changed the summary when the posted it. Anyway, to make a long story short, having my story stolen has given me some inspiration that people actually do like it so I will try my hardest to update at least once every other week.**

**Also, I am not a doctor nor am I a lawyer so please bear with me, I'm making everything up! This is fiction after all.**

**I also need a title for this chapter and chapter 15, I'm not very good at chapter titles so suggestions are welcome!**

**You can also check out my polyvore cite where I post some outfits from the story for visual effect.**

**I also don't have a beta so please excuse any errors, I tried my hardest.**

**Anon: I'm glad you like it! I'm trying to update soon.**

**SawyerDonovan: Thanks for the heads up, they finally removed after a sent a pm threatening to report them.**

** : Hope this chapter gives you an idea of where it's going!**

**Serendipity: Thanks for the heads up, I'm glad you like it, hope this chapter was worth it.**

**Adilamgp: I did! Hope you like it.**

**Li: I am still working on it, it's taking much longer than I'd hoped.**

**Donna14: That you so much, hope this was worth the wait**

**Rjewels18: Hope you like this one just as much!**

**Veggie95: They will have many more talks in the future, it's only the beginning for Puckleberry.**

**Christaarayy: Thank you!**

**m-white624: Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Whispering Dreams On Paper: In the orinigal story, I did kill Jesse off, but I don't think I'm going to head down that path for this one. And as for Leroy?...**

**Winterfresh: No explanation in this chapter, but it'll come out soon and someone is not gonna like it…**

**LindsaylovesPacey: They're meant to be, I couldn't imagine Puck not sticking by Rachel!**

**BellaRose55: Rachel will definitely open up more and he'll find out more of her past, it'll be sad but worth it!**

**TommyH: Thank you, they've definitely got a lot to talk about.**

**Neppo618: thank you!**


End file.
